


Clexa Christmas Carol

by AL0veNeverKn0wn



Category: A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/F, Happy Ending, Redemption, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 11:08:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 73,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16973478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AL0veNeverKn0wn/pseuds/AL0veNeverKn0wn
Summary: Alexandria Woods has been groomed as a ruthless business woman, driven for success and profits. Worn down by life and loneliness she observes life from outside. Is it possible for her to change direction?Christmas Eve she gets a visit from an old and very dead colleague, it will not be the last ghost of the evening. Exploring the pain of the past, her present reality and the murky gloom of her future, can she finally wake up to life and love?





	1. It Begins with his End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tanagariel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanagariel/gifts), [W0rldofmy0wn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/W0rldofmy0wn/gifts).



> Well I read some festive fics and have been inspired, after all we're meant to be inspired by each other right?  
> Charles Dickens’ classic seemed like a no-brainer but I'm really nervous about being able to pull it off. Plus it's December the 12th now and I want to get it done before Christmas finishes...not long until epiphany anyway, hopefully I can figure out how to work this and get myself in a lovely Christmas mood.
> 
> Obviously it goes without saying that I don't own the characters and my apologies if it's completely rubbish.
> 
> Also I've gifted this to two writers whose Christmas Clexa Fics inspired me you should check out all their work they're great.

Chapter 1.  
Titus’ fight was over, let’s be clear on that from the very start. There was absolutely no doubt about it, He had passed on. That man was no more. He had ceased to be! Expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace...well perhaps he didn’t rest in peace Alexandria Woods didn’t ask herself existential questions like that one. However, as she was the one who had registered the death, planned the funeral and was the chief mourner in a very small assembly of people, she knew without question that he was no more.  
When I say his fight was over, I do not mean to imply that he was some sort of brave hero snatched from this world in an act of self-sacrifice, no he certainly was not that sort of person. His fight was with the world, and its emotional trappings, he was a man of business and was concerned with that alone. Alexandria was certain that, though she didn’t greatly mourn his passing, the world of business would never be the same. Titus was her mentor first, partner later, never friends but then in the world of business there were no friends. So let us not be confused to start this story, Titus was dead and Alexandria was very much aware of that fact. I don’t mean to go on about it, and perhaps you are very quick of understanding so that this point did not need repeating. For the sake of this story though I must get this one point across or nothing from here on will seem wondrous.  
For you see this really is a wonderful story, a magical one, I don’t want you to miss out on its splendour, so, it is of vital importance that you understand this, and this alone, Titus was dead. Alexandria had taken his name off the business and now she was the sole owner, the commander of it all. 

Oh, how people hated Alexandria Woods that “tight fisted hand at the grind-stone, a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous young woman. Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck a generous fire; secret and self-contained and as solitary as an oyster.” That was what people thought of her and she didn’t mind one bit. The cold within her soul radiated from her features striking many with her frosty glare. Beautiful green eyes, but frozen and devoid of emotion, her beautiful face marred by her pride and indifference. Most people’s comments weren’t as poetic as above, generally the words she heard sniggered in hushed voices as she left a room were; “damn that bitch’s heart is as cold as her body is smoking hot!” Not that anybody would dare make those remarks to her face, and when she heard them they didn’t affect her, she merely carried on walking, leaving their irrelevant opinions behind her.

Indeed nothing ever seem to slow the brunette down, she always walked briskly with intense purpose and direction. Eyes set straight ahead and hands clasped behind her back. She walked with her chin lifted high, apparently above all the usual trivialities of life, her mind perhaps upon higher things. Whatever the weather she was always the same. Now, as the frosts of winter began to take hold she seemed not to feel the chill in the air. Perhaps it was at comfortable equilibrium with the ice inside her. The only difference between the weather and her, was hope; the winter would turn to spring, warmth would return again. But the sun would never shine from her face, she would remain cold as death.  
Alexandria, she was always busy and so it was important for her to be constantly efficient “time is money”. She had so perfected her aura of hostility that where there were crowds of people gathered, they parted before her. Nobody dared approach the stealy looking woman, children did not smile at her, she was never waited on in shops, never was she even asked what time of day it was. She was used to the isolation indeed she embraced it like an old friend, one which had been her companion for many years now. She had no intention of letting anyone in, and nobody ever even tried, well almost nobody.

On this occasion her footsteps were headed towards her largest source of frustration at this time, Dr Griffin’s office at Arkadia General Hospital. The hospital had been the last acquisition to the large portfolio of businesses that she and Titus had amassed. The brunette had been less than thrilled when, without consultation her partner had used _their money_ to buy a controlling interest in the failing hospital. Perhaps it had been his own failing health which had persuaded him to do it, some sort of final attempt at redemption perhaps. Alexandria inwardly smirked at the thought, Titus was never sentimental “love is weakness” was practically the company creed. No Lexa knew full well that Titus has only one thought in mind and that was building his own empire. The hospital was indeed failing currently but he had managed to get the largest stake at a very reasonable price and the assets of the hospital, if stripped down and divided, would make it a very very profitable investment.

“Hello Miss Woods, a very merry Christmas to you!” Sparkling blue eyes met hers filled with the joy of the season, and a broad smile accompanied the words of greeting. It was the irrepressibly happy Dr Griffin again, as though she were made as her living counterpoint, always warm and smiling, always with time for others, always making Alexandria’s life more difficult.  
“Dr Griffin, I see you’ve added tinsel to your stethoscope, are you sure that is practical given that it is an instrument of work, this is a hospital, not Santa’s Grotto?” She tilted her head and surveyed the blonde before her, trying her best to ignore the unfortunate physical responses this particular person always provoked in her. Her eyes definitely lingered slightly too long at the place where the stethoscope lay, though when she realised she quickly lifted them back to her face.  
The blonde was utterly unfazed, as always, “Gee I thought I’d made a wrong turn on my way in, so you’re telling me I should stop looking now for Father Christmas?” She let out a soft chuckle which was beautifully husky and almost melodic.  
“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Dr Griffin.”  
The brunette really didn’t know why she was wasting her time on this interaction, she had more important things to be doing with her time, yet this frustrating woman always seemed to make her pause.  
“My Mother is waiting in the office Miss Woods, it seems as though both of you share similar feelings about your meetings, she is in a foul mood too.”  
Alexandria was almost going to respond, provoked as always by the words of the young Dr Griffin, but she reminded herself that really she hadn’t the time to be wasting, as much as she was tempted to carry on their conversation. She was after all here not to see a junior Dr, but the Chief of Medicine who in this case just happened to be this young Doctor’s Mother. She spoke no more words, stepped straight past the blonde on towards the office door and opened it without knocking.  
“Hope to see you later then I suppose Miss Woods.” The blonde said shaking her head yet still smiling all the same. There was something about that woman. Clarke was naturally a bubbly friendly person, but her patience wasn’t nearly as boundless as it appeared currently. There was just something different about Alexandria Woods, something that she couldn’t put her finger on, the more that she spoke to her, the more intrigued she became. She was absolutely desperate to solve the riddle of that beautiful green eyed goddess. A full throated laugh broke her silent contemplation of the retiring figure.  
“Why the hell do you bother Clarke?” Raven looked up from her work fixing her friend with a quirk of her eyebrows. She then finished her tinkering with the electric wheelchair she’d working on that morning. She looked at the young girl sat nearby who was eagerly awaiting Raven finishing.  
“There you go Charlotte, it is a good as new. Actually it’s better. I’ve given you a little extra torque so you should be able to leave your friends far behind now.” Her grin was wide and infectious, as she beamed at the little girl who returned the look with awe in her gaze. She left the girl to try out her new and improved wheels and stood instead by her friend.  
“Seriously Clarke, that woman is bad news, especially for this hospital, especially for these kids. She doesn’t deserve your well wishes. Do the same as her, give her the cold shoulder that’s about the only satisfaction we can get when she’s about to tear this place to pieces.  
Clarke stayed silent, her mind still on the business woman, she knew Raven was most likely completely right, yet she just couldn’t shake off the feeling that she saw something more in those emerald eyes. She came back to focus upon Raven, Clarke was always a sucker for a beautiful face perhaps that is all it was.  
“I’m just trying to spread the joy of the season Rae, everyone deserves to be wished a merry Christmas.”  
“You try and give her any more cheer and she might finally snap and scream “Bah Humbug” at you, actually keep going, I’d pay to see that happen.”  
Clarke loved her best friend, very dearly, they had been inseparable now for almost 20 years, she wasn’t just a friend she was part of the family. Jake and Abby loved Raven the same as they loved Clarke. They were more like sisters than anything else. They had luckily overcome the most trying time of their friendship, Mr Collins, it had taken a lot of healing and care to regain their easy friendship and the intimacy of shared confidences, but now they were back on track, Clarke couldn’t be happier.  
“So Miss Reyes, when am I going to meet this mystery girl?”  
Raven gave a huge grin, and forgot all about the uptight brunette that had just left (which Clarke had been hoping for).  
“Wouldn’t you like to know! I don’t know really. I’m meeting her family over Christmas which is so huge, I don’t really feel like I want to share her yet. But if I’m meeting hers, I guess it means she’ll have to meet mine sooner or later.”  
Clarke smiled at her friend, it was good to see her so happy. Whoever they were they had Clarke’s approval already, not many people managed to have such a positive effect on the cheeky engineer, she could wait, but she would be really glad to finally meet them.

Abby heard the door open and knew without looking who it would be, not one word had been spoken and yet she could already feel the seething anger under her skin her blood as it began to simmer...it would soon be boiling. There was no half measures about it, Dr Abigail Griffin hated the young woman before her, she completely and utterly loathed her.  
“Must I really remind you again Miss Woods that this is an office and it is customary to knock?”  
“I have arrived completely punctually for our agreed upon meeting Dr Griffin, surely you should be expecting me, therefore I see no reason to knock.” Actually Alexandria knew perfectly well that she should have knocked before entering this office, however also knew that the Chief of Medicine had absolutely no respect for her, so she wasn’t about to reciprocate with such deference. Actually she rather enjoyed pushing the older woman's buttons.  
“Apparently they don’t teach children manners these days.”  
Alexandria felt herself harden, the senior Dr Griffin had quite the opposite effect of her daughter. One had Alexandria’s wall creaking and cracking, as she overcame all of her coldness with floods of warmth, but her mother. Well Alexandria could feel her walls rejuvenated, stronger than ever. She fixed Dr Griffin with her most piercing stare.  
“Pleasantries are not going to change facts Dr Griffin, we will be closing those areas of the hospital that I outlined in my plan which was adopted in October. I do not care for your opinion of me, nor do I care for any others, my aim is to make this place profitable. This seems to be an area where you have been an unmitigated disaster.”  
“How dare you..” Began the older woman, her face was red and she made no attempt to mask her rage, she was one of those people who couldn’t have hidden it even if they had wanted to. “You do realise it is Christmas? Did you get that memo? In case you were wondering what all the lights, cards and decorations were about! You are talking about closing the family residential area, that is so families can be with their children in comfort whilst undergoing long-term treatment. Families in there are staring death in the face, and not their own death, but the deaths of their most beloved children. This is just inhumane!”  
“We have gone over this many times before Dr, I will not be repeating myself again. As for the Season, I do not see why this should stop us making necessary decisions. I do not spend my Christmas indulging in frivolous expenditure, I can assure you that this hospital certainly does not have the available funds to be indulging either. See to it that the closure is enacted, I’ve nothing further to say.”  
With that the brunette turned on her heels, hands still tightly clasped behind her and she strode out of the door without another word.  
“Bitch.”  
She ignored the Dr’s words, far more used to that address than practically any other. 


	2. Confronting Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, thanks so much for leaving Kudos. Honestly I really expected to like be waiting weeks to get any response whatsoever I never imagined it would be so immediate. I really do appreciate it and I can only hope people continue to enjoy it.
> 
> This chapter might feel a bit rushed, I expect you will recognise the dialogue and movements I realise I'm really condensing some of Clexa's early interactions. However I felt like this story could be a little Clexa light and I really wanted to convey the strength of feeling at the heart of this story. I hope you don't feel that it is too disjointed and it didn't take you out of the narrative.
> 
> I'm hoping shorter Chapters but more regular updates is going to work, but obviously this being my first rodeo, anything could happen.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 2  
Clarke was making her rounds in the children’s department when her Mother finally caught up with her. Abby had not regained her composure, not even slightly. Her face was still red and she was scowling so much that some of the patients seemed intimidated by her presence.  
Clarke’s eyes widened at the sight of her mother, though her Mum never had the the most skill where politics were concerned she did usually compose herself in front of the patients. Something must have really riled her up to make her anger this evident, even on the wards. Clarke was finished with her current patient and so gestured to her mother that they could speak better in the comfort of the staff room.  
She sunk into one her favourite armchairs, she was already 10 hours into her shift and it looked like she might be staying well beyond the 12 that she had scheduled. She took a deep breath and looked up expectantly at the chief of medicine.  
“The family residential area will need to close tomorrow.” The anger Clarke had seen before was now completely eclipsed by her Mother’s sorrow.  
“Really? Tomorrow? But it will be Christmas Eve?” The young doctor was visibly shaken and though her questions were obvious there was a genuine disbelief in her tone.  
“Yes, really, tomorrow. If you have any particular questions about it then perhaps you should direct them to that heartless cow, you know, the one you seem to be on such friendly terms with!” The anger had returned and was now fully directed at Clarke. Clarke managed to overcome her own frustration and leave the second half of that statement alone. She had always managed to be more diplomatic than her mother, understanding that some fights were really not worth having.  
“That’s disgusting! I’m so sorry you’ve had to try and deal with this on your own, I’m guessing that there isn’t any more that we can do to...I don’t know, stall?”  
“There is nothing to be done, I have no choice but to inform the families that the rooms need to be vacated. To be honest Clarke, I am hoping that you will agree to take that on. You know these people much better than I, you have developed relationships with them. I really want to avoid it being just another heartless pencil pusher ordering these families out on their ears. These families are going to be separated for Christmas.” With those final words Abby let out a long sigh, Clarke could see the tears forming in her mother’s eyes.  
“Absolutely, I understand that, after I’ve finished up my rounds I will go and begin the talks. Afterwards though I’m going to find Miss Woods, see if there isn’t some way to reach her.”  
“Clarke don’t be so stupid, look I know you, I know you like to see the best in people. Just look at your relationship with Finn, how long did that last, even when it became obvious he was a complete waste of space? There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to Alexandria Woods, and she does not deserve your belief in her. Stay away.”  
Clarke’s stomach rolled slightly. She still felt a lingering guilt when she thought about Finn. She had thought herself in love, and her Mum was right to say that it blinded her. By the end it was horribly obvious she had wildly misjudged him. She did try to see the best in people, she had tendency to care a little too much, to take the weight of her world on her own shoulders. Maybe she should take her Mother’s advice this time, steer well clear of the mysterious brunette. Apparently Alexandria had no qualms about tearing families apart for a Christmas present, it certainly didn’t bode well.  
Clarke spoke with her Mother for a while longer, trying to quench some of her anger and direct her energies in ways she might be able to help. There was no point giving up entirely, she felt sure that this was not the only challenge that the hospital faced, they were going to need spirit to fight for the things that were important. After the chief left she stayed in the empty staff room for a while longer, collecting her thoughts for what was surely going to be a heartbreaking afternoon. 

“How is my best boy doing?” Clarke had managed to push down all those worries and frustrations she wore a dazzling smile and looked down adoringly at the young boy resting in the bed.  
“I’m doing good doc” The little boy beamed back at her, he always had such a beautiful smile. Whatever this kid had to go through, he did it with such a sweetness of temper. Clarke had been involved in his treatment since he was born, and 5 years later she knew she was completely in love with this little man. She turned to his parents who were both at his bedside watching her anxiously.  
“How is he doing Doctor?”  
“Please, Octavia, it is Clarke. How many times must I tell you? I’ve known you and Lincoln for long enough now, I truly hope you know how much I care for all your family.”  
Octavia and Lincoln Ranger were holding hands tightly, they were a wonderful couple and you could tell that though the last few years had been tough it had just increased their love for one another. It was their youngest boy Timmy who was Clarke’s patient, their other two children were still at school, this was apparently the last day before the holidays.  
“Timmy is unstoppable, we all know that.” Clarke winked at the little cutie tucked up in hospital sheets. “The operation went really well, as you know we had our best surgeon in there and everyone is so invested in getting this right. Obviously it’s going to be a long recovery, he’s on the anti-rejection drugs and will be for the rest of his life. Now we’re going to need to watch him closely, just to see if he’s suffering from any side effects from those. Honestly though I am so happy with his progress, he is such a fighter and I couldn’t be happier with his response. Yes, we have a long road ahead, but I know that the love your family has for him, really will make such a difference.”  
Octavia and Lincoln looked from their child to the doctor who’d be caring for him so long. They were so grateful for Dr Clarke Griffin. They knew that she had gone beyond what most doctors would do. The amount of times that she stayed beyond her shift to care for the boy. The countless occasions when she had Timmy in fits of giggles playing snap or colouring with him. The doctor had become a great friend to their family, even stopping by their house to talk through procedures bringing along baked treats for Timmy and his siblings. Still both Lincoln and Octavia seemed to struggle calling her by name, Clarke understood the difficulty but hoped in time that they would see her as a friend more than as a doctor.  
Lincoln hugged his wife close, “Thank you...Clarke, you know we can’t express our thanks enough. Please excuse me though, I really need to go back to the room to pick up a few things.”  
Clarke’s heart sunk, she swallowed thickly, knowing this would not be an easy discussion at all.  
“Guys, you know how I like to bring you only good news, and luckily Timmy is such a trooper, I have only good things to say about his health. But, I have some bad news regarding the housing in the hospital. It’s always been a priority of ours that we provide a home from home for all you wonderful families, but unfortunately with recent changes to management...well the house is being closed.”  
Lincoln closed his eyes momentarily, he was always so measured in his responses Timmy certainly got his temperament from his Dad. Before he was able to find the right words his wife cut across him. Octavia never minced her words.  
“Clarke you have to be kidding me! What on earth kind of monster made that decision? You better tell me, because I swear if I ever get my hands on them…”  
Lincoln pulled his wife into a close embrace, and spoke calmly. “Clarke, I know this isn’t your decision. Are you certain that nothing can be done?”  
“Look, I’m not going to take this sitting down, you know how much I like a good fight. However as the current situation stands my understanding is that tonight is the last night, Christmas Eve it will close for the foreseeable future.”  
“IT’S CLOSING CHRISTMAS EVE!!” Octavia wrenched herself from her husbands arm and rounded threateningly upon the young doctor. “YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME CLARKE!!”  
“Mummy, don’t be angry with Clarke.” Timmy had sat up in his bed, his eyes wide staring at Clarke with the same look of adoration he had before.  
Thankfully the tiny interruption really did help the conversation and it was less heated thereafter. Clarke was not at all offended by the reaction, she understood completely how angry Octavia felt. She only wished there was some way she could help. It was the first of countless heartbreaking conversations that she was to have that afternoon. Some, like Octavia were angry others just cried. There were a few who stoically made no response, yet Clarke knew even if they didn't show it, they were devastated. It meant so much to these families to be near to their children whilst they were being treated. The hospital covered such a large area, some families had homes hours away. The effects of this decision were going to be felt very deeply by very vulnerable people at the lowest point in their lives. Clarke had always felt a duty of care, not just to her patients, but to those families as well. They were her people and she would not stand by and watch them suffer, not if there was anything at all that she could do about it. Her Mum may be right about her character flaw, but maybe this time she'd be right. Maybe there was more to Alexandria than met the eye.

The papers piled upon her desk seemed endless, Alexandria sighed deeply, there would be no day off for her this Christmas. Not that she usually stopped for such things. This time she wouldn't have to lie to Anya about why she wouldn't be joining her and her parents for Christmas lunch. She had declined the offer on so many occasions she couldn't understand how the offer was still made year upon year. Anya was her only friend, they had met in Anya's final year at school. Anya was 4 years her senior so unfortunately she hadn't benefited much from her companionship during those school days. Actually they had not really hit it off until their paths crossed again when she got her first job. Anya seemed cut from the same cloth as Alexandria, actually her appearance, if possible, was even more fearsome than her own. However this was tempered by her fierce loyalty, when she loved, she loved so dearly. It was this quality that kept the young businesswoman from her home at Christmas. The family interactions felt so foreign to her, she felt out of place. She'd rather not spend Christmas reminded that she didn't really belong anywhere or with anyone.  
No, she definitely wouldn't need an excuse this year, what a mess. She usually was on top of everything, but with Titus gone she had more work and no help.  
Titus had moulded Alexandria in his image, instilling within her the importance of dispassionate business, profits before people, the art of the deal. The only love he had in life was money, though he was also prodigiously proud of the woman he had created, she would carry the company forward, ever growing, increasing his legacy.  
Except perhaps Titus had not fashioned her quite as thoroughly as he thought. In his pride he had assumed that she agreed with him on all his philosophies. Alexandria was not so easily swayed. She had her own thoughts and feelings about businesses and the way they should be run. Alexandria didn't have any particular fondness for money, she already had enough money for life especially as her expenditure was rather frugal. What she did love, what really drove her forward, was the thrill of battle. Business was warfare and how she loved to wage war, and win. The challenge of taking an ailing business and turning it around, bringing it out from the red and into the black, that's what it was all about. That took skill and ingenuity, it showed true business prowess. Titus settled for just making money, and they had clashed constantly. Her way of business took time, and Titus was not a patient man, he liked to get in quick and get out (with profit) even quicker. He had felt no responsibility for those whose lives depended upon their jobs, or positions in the companies he took over. They were dispensable, always ignored in favour of the bottom line. When Titus acquired the hospital It never crossed his mind that the people of this district needed a properly functioning hospital. To him they didn't deserve any care that they couldn't pay for in full. Titus had planned an extremely quick turnaround, instant profits. He had already started this undertaking, when the undertaker came for him. This was what caused Alexandria's current headache. Titus had immediately sold the hospitals debts to one of his many business associates. He had managed to pick his most ruthless contact too, Ms Nia Quinn. Alexandria had hoped that she would have some time to turn the hospital around, but no such luck, the wolf was at the gate, and it was hungry. Without drastic action she would have to sell large pieces of the hospital off in order to not default on the debt. It was absolutely unacceptable to default, all her other business interests might suffer, and they were her people too, she couldn't sacrifice them for the hospital.

Alexandria poured over the papers, perhaps there was something she'd missed something that could buy her more time. Her head sunk wearily into her hands, she wasn't getting anywhere fast. A confident knock on her door startled her from her silent contemplation. She had no scheduled appointments, personal visits practically never happened...who could it be? The brunette groaned recalling a particularly over enthusiastic group of carolers who had been persistently bothering her to collect for some charity or something. The knock on the door came again, even louder and more insistent. The businesswoman rose from her chair and strode to the door promising herself that if it were those bloody carolers again she'd make sure this time they'd never knock again. Alexandria opened the door with this thought, evidently it must have shown in her face. There stood before her, looking uncomfortable at the anger she displayed, was none other than Clarke Griffin.

Clarke was indeed startled by the look on the face of the woman she had come to visit. She had fully expected that this conversation was going to be a difficult negotiation but she never expected it to begin with the woman already snarling at her. She opened the door with a look on her face like she was about to commit murder. Was it just her imagination though, or did Alexandria soften as she looked at her? If she did, the change was only fractional. Wordlessly the older woman opened the door further. She motioned with her outstretched arm and a slight incline of the head for Clarke to come in. Closing the door behind her the brunette crossed her office sat down in her chair and simply glowered at the doctor.  
Clarke gulped, her throat dry from the tension of the moment. The gaze of the businesswoman was more intense than ever. Her chin was tilted up slightly, enough that she was looking down upon Clarke. From apparently nowhere she had picked up an ornate letter opener which she was twirling between her fingers, occasionally leaving its tip pressed firmly against the fingers of her other hand. Apparently it was going to be Clarke who had to speak first, since opening the door not one word had passed between them.

Alexandria had never expected for Dr Clarke Griffin to come to her door, indeed she was surprised to learn that she even knew where her office was. Luckily she had been able to overcome her initial shock and took command of the situation as she always did, slipping into her performance of master negotiator. This was the first time that she had met the blonde in her own domain, usually she was seeing her in the halls of the hospital. The familiar setting of her office gave her a sense of power and with this she was able to take her time weighing up the young woman.  
Her first impression still stood, Dr Griffin was a very attractive woman. Her figure was more feminine than her own, soft curves and beautiful lines. Her eyes briefly scanned her, stopping, as they had that morning, on the full bosom which was particularly distracting. Clarke was evidently more nervous than with their previous meetings her chest rose and fell with quicker breaths than usual. Alexandria was used to making people nervous and she allowed her mouth to turn up into a small malicious looking grin. As she did so her eyes flicked from her curves to meet the sapphire stare which had many times captivated her. The brunette had expected to see fear displayed in those beautiful blue eyes, she was slightly taken aback when she saw a resolute fire within them. Clarke was nervous, but she was not letting that dampen her resolve. This intrigued Alexandria greatly.

Clarke cleared her throat, trying to make sure that her voice was unwavering. As intimidating as Miss Woods was, it seemed to only add to her beauty. The young doctor could not allow herself to be distracted by her fear, or more worryingly, by the tightening she felt in her groin when the brunette devoured her with those fierce green eyes.  
“Miss Woods, you cannot close the residential area of the children's hospital.”  
The green eyes flashed ferociously and Alexandria's face darkened considerably.  
“Do not presume to tell me what I can and cannot do, Doctor Clarke Griffin of Arkadia hospital.”  
Never before had she been spoken to with such obvious disdain or such stiff formality. Clarke quickly reassessed the situation and decided to try another tactic.  
“There must be some other option though, perhaps if we work together we can find another solution. I'm good at solving problems, maybe if we combine our strengths we can save it from closure.”

The businesswoman had underestimated the young doctor, she had expected that her opening words would be enough to prevent any further appeals. This young woman was full of surprises. Alexandria was struck once again by how much better suited to leadership this girl was, infinitely better than her mother, or any other of the senior leadership at the hospital.

Clarke used the other's silence to continue her argument, hoping to keep some momentum in her corner.  
“Many other hospitals have their family areas paid for in sponsorship and fund-raised by external companies. Obviously fundraising can be difficult, but generally speaking people are more likely to be generous when there are kids involved, and sick kids even more so. I honestly believe that with the right marketing we could cover the running costs, honestly I think we could even raise enough money to potentially refurb the housing too.”  
Clarke was no businesswoman, but when she spoke it was with evident passion and unreserved belief. The way she spoke conveyed just how deeply she believed in her words.  
“There is no time for that Clarke.”  
That took the blonde by surprise, she couldn't recall being addressed by her first name before, it was certainly different from the first formal address. She decided to try and use this increased familiarity to her advantage.  
“You cannot do this Alexandria, it is wrong!” At these words the brunette rose from her chair and closed the distance between them, she stood inches from her face holding her gaze intently.  
“Sometimes you must concede a battle to win a war.” The brunette bit back almost instantly. Clarke hardly knew what to make of the words spoken. What war was she speaking of? Why was this woman so fiercely defending a closure that was going to separate families in need over Christmas, not to mention the future families that would be without this crucial service.

The use of her first name had momentarily distracted Alexandria. She hadn't really intended calling Dr Griffin by her first name either, the name had just fallen from her lips without her being fully in control of herself. She loved the way that name felt in her mouth, the hard K's enveloping the softer vowel sound. She enjoyed saying that name and wished that she could make regular use of it. But reality forced her to think otherwise, these two people were so poles apart, they would never share a close proximity. The older woman knew she needed to drive her point home, to make sure the girl gave up on this silly notion of changing her mind, but before she could continue Clarke spoke again.  
“I know that there are risks, I know that it won't be easy. But trust me, please, I really feel we can do this.”  
“You expect me to make business decisions based on your feelings?” The older woman retorted savagely, what was it with this doctor that she wouldn't just listen to her words.  
“I cannot risk everything merely because you have some feeling that everything is going to work out all right, it is beyond foolish. It shows your weakness.” Alexandria did not miss the incomprehension written upon the younger woman's face. She knew she would not understand, she knew that like everyone else Clarke looked at her as a monster, a heartless bitch who cared for no-one. Nobody ever really saw her.

Clarke was becoming increasingly infuriated by this woman, she had spent the last few months trying to break through her walls. Countless people had told her it was in vain, Raven and her mother seemed intent on reminding her daily that the woman before her had ice in her veins. But Clarke just didn't believe it, she saw more than that in those glorious green eyes. She would not give up.  
“You say having feelings makes me weak, but you are weak for hiding from them. You may think me naive, but you are a liar. You feel more than you let on. I can see you are haunted by your past. You care about our hospital. I know you feel something for those children and their families, and yet you are letting them suffer, ripping away their comfort when they need it most.” With her words Clarke had moved forwards, Alexandria had been unable to do anything other than retreat from the approaching woman, she backed out of her way until her legs connected with her desk and she was trapped staring into the eyes of the woman who was defeating her.  
”You want everyone to think you are above it all. But I see, right, through, you” with those words Clarke finished and continued staring down Alexandria. She had forced the brunette to surrender, stripped her completely bare. Never before had she felt so exposed and vulnerable. With all the ferocity that she could muster Alexandria fixed the doctor with her most venomous stare and snarled through bared teeth.  
“GET OUT!”


	3. Hardened to Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm not totally sure about this chapter, I'm not really sure that the pacing is right too little action maybe? You never know I might in time come back and change large sections, but at the moment I'm really focused on getting this story out. I mean it needs to happen over Christmas, I'm doubtful I can keep up my current pace, not with Christmas sermons and such to write...  
> So please come at me with criticisms, I'm a big girl I can take them (I think). The reason that I am adding this rather long preamble, rather than getting into the story we all know, is because the original doesn't have that same love dynamic. The transformation is all Scrooge, so unless there were feelings already established between Clarke and Lexa, we couldn't really expect them to end up together, well I couldn't see that anyway.  
> Also perhaps you can tell from the pace of updates, I don't have anyone to beta, offers always welcome, again, please let me know mistakes that you find then I can correct them, and if it becomes unreadable at times definitely let me know I really don't want that.  
> Thanks again for those who have bookmarked and commented, it's really early days but I do promise I won't leave the story undone (I only read completed Fics because I can't possibly cope) so you guys are so much better than me opting in early.

Chapter 3

Alexandria looked to the sky and took a deep breath, she tried to calm herself down, but was failing miserably. Clarke had really got underneath her skin, her words had affected her so deeply. She couldn’t remember a time when someone had shaken her so completely. Well, she didn’t want to remember a time when they had. How had Clarke gained the upper hand? There was nothing that she could say, her mind had completely blanked. It had been many years since somebody had credited her with a compassionate feeling, yet here was this woman, whom she had only known 3 months and even then at a great distance, and she seemed to see more in her than anyone else. She continued to breathe deeply looking about her office as though there was an answer here, somewhere. Try as she might, she wanted Clarke to be right about her, she didn’t want to disappoint her. _Love is weakness, love is weakness_ she repeated the mantra again and again in her head. It was actually one of the few philosophies with which she agreed with Titus. Business required clarity of mind, one had to be completely committed to a path. It was no good to be distracted by people and feelings. All people, all feelings, were fickle they would come to nothing. Even if she complied with her wishes on this occasion, the young doctor would only change her mind in the future. Clarke would find her wanting somewhere down the line, holding off her disappointment was merely delaying the inevitable. The hope that she found in the blonde’s eyes would be extinguished and she would see her, as everyone else did; cruel and calculating an unfeeling fiend. Sadness overcame her, feeling it more acutely after that brief flicker of hope.

Clarke was equally flustered. She had managed, in spite of herself, to hold her nerve when she had been in the businesswoman's office. But now she found herself back in the street, in the cold, she was suddenly shaking. That was the most intense confrontation that she’d ever had. Upon reflection, it seemed she had come out on top. She wasn’t sure that it was going to do any good though. Clarke had meant every word, she did believe that Alexandria cared, that there was more within her than anyone else noticed. The brunette was possibly the most difficult-to-read person that she had ever encountered. Every single emotion was buried under heavy defenses. To the outside she did appear cold and unmoved, but when you looked closer there was so much left unspoken in her eyes. Tiny gestures and movements told of a deeper reality. Clarke often saw it in patients, when they were facing tough treatments. They appeared to be handling everything really well, but beneath the mask she could make it out, fear. The doctor had seen that fear in Alexandria, but she just couldn’t figure out what it meant.  
One thing Clarke had learnt in life was not to dwell. She'd had one hell of a day and tomorrow was looking even bleaker, twas the night before Christmas Eve, time to unwind. She sent a quick text to Raven who was expecting her much earlier than now. Rae would understand though, she always did. 

Clarke trudged through the snowy street, bracing herself against the cold, she pulled a thick woollen hat from her bag. It was pink and cream with a huge pink pompom sat on the top. Quite frankly, it was ridiculous, but she loved it dearly. This hat was a gift from one of the older children who had been in her care, she had learnt to knit during her long stretch in hospital. Clarke had spent many evenings sat beside her watching her knit and pearl, helping when she got in a muddle. The result was in no way perfect the tension was uneven in places, but that made it all the more special, nobody else had a hat like this.  
Clarke loved the winter, she loved the cold, dark nights. They were perfect for cuddling someone special, hot chocolate, cosy blankets and stupid Christmas films. Clarke's kind wandered fondly but was startled by a sudden picture of green in her mind. That certainly was unexpected, why of all people was she picturing Miss Woods underneath her snuggly blanket? She shook her head as though that might dislodge the thought from her mind. Peculiar, particularly considering their very hostile encounter. Evidently her mother had got a point, Clarke did have some complicated feelings towards Alexandria. That wasn’t good, especially given the state of affairs currently. It looked very likely that antagonism was all that lay in store for the two women. A fight was definitely more likely than cuddling, not to mention whatever other activities she had momentarily been picturing. Clarke fixed her mind on other things, Raven was most likely already in her PJ’s, Christmas playlist filling the apartment. Rae will have picked out the Christmas movies and ordered in the pizza, couple of beers maybe even and eggnog or two and Clarke would be completely unwound, at least she certainly hoped that she would.  
Much to Clarke’s chagrin Raven had other ideas, not that she didn’t have all the things Clarke had imagined. She was in a fluffy Christmas pudding onesie, fresh pizza was on its way, and Home Alone was already well underway. The problem was Raven’s mouth, she literally never knew when to shut it off. She definitely processed out loud, and she was evidently furious about the proposed closure. She had ranted and railed about what kind of person shuts family services on Christmas Eve. Clarke nodded along politely, all the while trying instead to focus upon Macaulay Culkin torturing home intruders. It was no good, especially with Raven's onslaught, she couldn't get that woman out of her mind. The look in her eyes as she backed against her own desk, the plump lips parted in shock at Clarke's words. And she certainly couldn't forget the brief touch of their thighs in that moment of anger, and lust. There would be no relief for her tonight, not unless she decided to take matters into her own hands and indulge in these thoughts for a while longer...no, no things were complicated enough without her adding to the problem.

Christmas Eve was upon them, and though the young Dr was technically off duty there was no way she could leave the families to go through this alone. The mood was very sombre, Clarke had turned off the hospital radio which had been belting out multiple Christmas songs and had only been adding to the bitterness of the situation. So, the families moved out in silence, Clarke desperately wanted to bring some lightness in. She was always trying to cheer people, rally them, keep people strong, it was one of her greatest strengths. In this moment, she could do nothing, perhaps the guilt she felt in the pit of her stomach was to blame for that. Clarke kept supplying lots of fresh coffee and made sure that there was food available for the people packing up, it was the only thing that she could think to do.  
“I’m sorry for yesterday Dr Gri...Clarke”  
Octavia’s eyes were red and puffy, the dark rings under her eyes gave the impression that she hadn’t slept last night.  
“Octavia, please do not apologise.” Clarke put her arm comfortingly on the dark haired woman’s arm and looked at her with a small smile. “You had every right to be angry, I am only sorry that I didn’t manage to prevent this.”  
Conversations such as this had happened all morning, they didn’t ever last long, nobody wanted to dwell too much, lest their emotions overwhelmed them. In the corner of the large communal eating area she could see a couple that she had not yet managed to talk to. It was her duty to offer whatever comfort she could to these people. She crossed the room trying to silently assess the situation, remind herself exactly who these people were. Mr and Mrs Jordan were relatively new to the hospital. (given the years that she had known some families) Their daughter Amanda was 3 months old, she had yet to leave the hospital. Born 10 weeks premature had led to quite significant breathing difficulties. Clarke wasn’t completely familiar with the particulars of her situation Amanda was not her patient. She had spent some time around her and the family though, she could tell that they had taken this news particularly hard.  
They were ready to leave when Dr Griffin approached them, Jasper’s hand clasped his wife’s as though he was afraid she might slip away if he loosened his grip.  
“Can I take any of those bags for you, or grab you sandwiches and coffee for your journey?”  
Maya said nothing, she had always seemed in a fragile emotional state, now she was worse than ever. Clarke had gathered that this young woman felt guilty somehow for the premature birth, it was completely misplaced, but it wasn’t uncommon for Mothers to feel that they had failed somehow.  
“Some coffee for the journey would be good Doctor, I have a really long drive ahead.” Jasper’s eyes never left his wife, concern etched in his face.  
“Maya’s going to stay here with Amanda while I go and drop this stuff home, it’s a 3 hour round trip though...I don’t like leaving you.” The last words he addressed to his wife who didn’t seem to be in the room with them at all, her eyes were glassy and vacant.  
“Ok well I’ll put something together for your journey, and I can get a bag of stuff for Mrs Jordan too. If you’d like I can walk you over to see Amanda” Again the last words were directed to the unresponsive woman. Her dark hair was wild, her thick eyebrows framed eyes rubbed raw and tearful.  
“I’d really appreciate it if you could accompany Maya, she really wants to get back beside Mandy, and to be honest I could do with leaving it’s going to start getting dark soon, like I said it will be a long drive.” He took Maya’s hands and pressed them to his chest. “Baby, I’m going to be back first thing tomorrow, I really need to get some things straight at home, and I should at least have a few hours sleep, but I won’t be waiting for long. I will be by your side in no time, I promise.”  
Clarke distanced herself from the couple, trying to give them some privacy. She got together the promised food and drinks, all the while watching this broken couple trying to cope with their harsh reality. For all the words spoken to her, Maya didn’t seem to respond once, she was far away, in a world of her own. Maya finally came round when her husband was saying his goodbyes, her eyes focused on his face for the first time and her mouth turned upwards ever so slightly, it could easily have been missed. She lent in, one hand resting on his cheek, and laid a gentle kiss upon the other. She whispered softly into his ear. The moment was brief, but between her soft attentions and Jasper's evident relief, you could feel the deep connection that they shared.  
Clarke had got no more words from Maya as she accompanied her back to the children's ward, she took small sips of her coffee but the Dr was fairly certain that the food she had brought with them was going to remain untouched. The blonde did not try to break the silence, it was all too clear that the other woman did not have the energy. Clarke promised herself that she would check in on her later that day, she also fully intended to review Amanda's charts and familiar herself with the particulars of this family's situation.

The businesswoman had been at the hospital since first light. She had most of the paperwork at her office, but there was still some bits and pieces that were missing. It was easier for her to work here, where everything was at her fingertips, and she could seek clarification from the people involved. Perhaps it should be a problem for her that she was so evidently unwelcome in this place. Murderous looks were given to her by those who knew who she was. She was pretty certain that the Chief of Medicine had made it her personal mission to spread her infamy. It made Abby even more furious when she realised how little it affected Alexandria, she barely responded to the hatred she was met with, her face unresponsive, a perfect mask of indifference. The truth was the young woman was far too accustomed to dealings with others’ displeasure. Many years had gone by, making difficult decisions that were wildly unpopular, she couldn't really remember a time when she wasn't regarded generally with displeasure. Alexandria knew what she was doing, and she felt no need to justify herself to those who judged her actions. She was in no mood to argue with the Chief, that without drastic change, and closures, the entire hospital was at stake. To the feisty brunette the fact that the Dr Griffin did not already know that, proved she should not be in her present position. Abby was a fool, so why should she care for her good opinion?  
No, resentment she could deal with, but hope, expectation? That was what was haunting her, as she sat at her desk and pushed herself onwards, trying to find something new. For it was belief that she had seen in those perfect blue eyes, faith, that there was more inside Alexandria, something good. She had been unable to sleep the night before thinking constantly of the beautiful blonde woman who had crashed into her life, wreaking havoc on her beliefs and questioning her resolve. She needed to get over this, there was no future with this woman, no matter how fondly she wished there might be. This was the only way.  
“I was told you wanted to see me?”  
Alexandria cursed her weakness. She had, that morning, mentioned that if Clarke were about she would appreciate her being sent to the office. At the time she made that rash decision she had felt more hopeful that, by some miracle, she could avert the closure. It was pure fantasy of course, unless she was to heavily invest from her own finances, and put her business portfolio at risk. It would be a completely stupid risk, it might not even work. This was the smart choice, it would keep the hospital safe, for the meantime. It could be that in the future she still might have to make further investment to keep it afloat. She needed to be prudent and careful, she couldn’t trust in Clarke’s words.  
“Ah, yes, thank you for coming Dr Griffin, I was told that you were not working today?”  
“I’m not working, I’ve been helping the families move out, making sure everything was vacated promptly.” All this was said simply, in a matter-of-fact tone. It was remarkably different from the angry inflections that had marked all Alexandria’s other conversations that day.  
“I have been thinking, my position within this hospital has become untenable. I am going to bring in an intermediary who will work with the hospital administration so that we can straighten out the financial concerns and future profitability.”  
“You’re leaving? But we need you?”  
The brunette looked up from her paperwork for the first time, daring to look at the young woman. Her heart was beating faster within her chest. How did this woman have so much power over her thoughts and feelings?  
“You may be heartless, Miss Woods, but you are smart. I know your reputation, businesses under your control flourish, goodness knows what sort of moron you might get to replace you.”  
Her heart sank, heartless, that was what she thought. It was probably true, but for a brief moment she had hoped for more. Again she moved from her desk to approach Clarke. A dangerous move, especially when she could now take in the intoxicating aroma of the beautiful woman. Her eyes scanned her face, pausing on her lips, there they remained focused while she spoke.  
“You think that my ways are harsh, but this is how to survive.” Despite all her misgivings and distrust, she really just wanted this one woman to understand.  
“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving, don’t all those families deserve more, isn’t that what we are trying to give them. Don’t we all deserve something more in this life?” All she could feel was the thrum of her heart and see the beauty of those lips, lips that spoke words which tore down her walls. She lost all semblance of self-control rendered speechless once again. She closed the distance between them, softly pressing her lips to the others as though to silence the words which had destroyed her defenses. She felt the blondes shock, the hesitation, almost stepping away from the kiss. Then suddenly the change, the blonde sighed gently and returned the pressure. Alexandria felt her whole body relax, the tension of her posture and self-control all slipping away like wax melting down a lit candle. Clarke had lit a fire within her and it was burning away in her soul.  
They didn’t hear the door as it opened, both woman too involved in the emotions stirring within them.

“CLARKE?” As suddenly as it had begun, it ended. The Chief of Medicine stood in the doorway, horrified. Alexandria’s mask clicked into place, looking more proud and disdainful than ever before. Clarke was much slower to regain her composure, momentarily dumbfounded, mouth agape. She blinked at her Mother not entirely sure how she’d managed to get herself in this position. Looking to Alexandria, perhaps for help, she could see that she was utterly unfazed by the interruption. In fact if Clarke hadn’t been locking lips with her moment ago she would have thought that Alexandria hadn’t been caught in a compromising position at all. She wished she could mirror in her own face the indifference she saw in the brunette’s.  
“You have a visitor.” Abby spat at Miss Woods. “And, I am not, nor will I ever be, your bloody secretary.” She turned and left, but not before giving Clarke a look that said plainly, _We’ll talk about this later._  
The two women didn’t even share a look, Alexandria headed straight for the door too. Clarke was still reeling, what the hell just happened? This was not what she had in mind when she had entered the office. Not that she couldn’t truthfully say she hadn’t pictured that sort of encounter with the green-eyed woman, but she never really expected anything to have come from it. Would this change things? Did this mean anything for the future of the hospital? Further still...did this mean something for her future? What was going on?  
Finally her brain managed to communicate with her feet and she followed the others out of the office. Alexandria stood with a woman she had never seen before. She was much older than her, probably a similar age to her mother. She was very tall and slender, wearing a dress that complemented her figure nicely, but was obviously business attire. There was an air of opulence about her, which Clarke never noticed in Alexandria. This woman exuded wealth and power. Her countenance was uninviting, the same as the buisnesswoman beside her, but not at all for the same reason. Whereas Alexandria seemed closed off, withdrawn from the world, the other woman seemed superior to all around her. Even speaking to the brunette you could tell that she did not consider her to be equal. From a look Clarke could see that this woman was deeply unpleasant, she did not trust her one bit.  
The women were now on the move, both walked with the same intense purpose and Clarke found herself slightly jogging in order to follow their pace. They seemed not to notice the young doctor trailing in their wake, either that or they just didn’t care. It didn’t take the blonde much time to realise which way they were headed. It was completely dark now, the residential suite was abandoned, Clarke was astounded how quickly that had happened, and how different it felt now. Stepping in here had always brought her joy, it had been a happy place. Though the families it housed had been facing tremendous difficulties, there had never been a shortage of giggling siblings, games, and chit chat, to make certain that this was a place of respite from their troubles. Now empty and hollow it made Clarke shiver, she didn’t want to spend any more time than necessary here.  
The visiting woman spoke, it was the first time that she had heard her voice, it made her blood run cold.  
“Oh, yes, this is absolutely perfect!” The woman elongated every syllable as though she were savoring every word. In spite of herself Clarke grimaced.  
“There is so much more room than I thought. The location too, is just amazing. Right in the middle of the city. Do you have any idea how much luxury apartments will go for in this area?”  
Clarke felt herself sicken, they were going to tear this place down, for luxury housing? So that rich _somebodies_ could make themselves feel superior and live a life of comfort. This is what was replacing the family residence, why?  
“Obviously it’s a pity this eyesore of a hospital is right next door, that won’t help the prices, but..” She looked intently at Alexandria now, a cruel smile spreading across her lips as she continued to speak “...I don’t think that will be a problem for very much longer. Alexandria, trust me, we are going to be very rich indeed.”  
Clarke couldn’t breath, she couldn’t think, she looked wildly between the two women trying to find something to explain exactly what was going on between them. She couldn’t think of anything to say, so she just turned and left.

Alexandria had indeed been unaware of Clarke following them, she was still off-balance from their encounter before. Ms Quinn was the last person she wanted to see, though she was expecting her arrival. She loathed Ms Quinn, the woman did not have one redeeming quality. She was all cruelty and arrogance, but she was wildly successful. Of all the people Titus could have chosen to do business with she was undoubtedly the worst. Having to give even and inch to this woman made her blood boil, but what other choice was there? Their brief meeting was coming to an end when she heard a clatter near the doorway they’d entered.  
Clarke had knocked some boxes in her hurry to leave, it was this that had alerted them to her presence in the room.  
“Clarke?” The buisnesswomen did look shocked to see her. Emotions usually hidden were slipping through her features, guilt, failure, grief all trickling out for the world to see. Nia was unconcerned by the unannounced visitor, actually she barely seemed to notice. She was apparently done for the day and didn’t hesitate to leave the women alone, without another word, apparently she had other places to be.  
“What have you done?” Clarke spoke softly, not trusting her voice to remain steady. Alexandria could barely look at her, she knew what she would see. All the hope she had seen it that face will have vanished, all the belief wiped away. She eventually met the eyes that punctuated her dreams, they were filled with hurt, disappointment, with anger.  
“I made this decision with my head, and not my heart Clarke.”


	4. Unexpected Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're finally with the ghosts, which I'm not sure I have written very well. If not that could be a little problem, because there are a lot of ghosts from here on out.
> 
> Thanks again for the comments, Kudos and bookmarks, every single one helps. I thought I wouldn't be that bothered either way, that I was writing this more for myself than anything else, but that is not the case, you all make it so much more fun to write. Also knowing that there are people, other than myself who want to see this finished definitely spurs me on.
> 
> So, all comments welcome, criticisms too. The ride gets pretty emotional from here on out, well I hope so anyway. Keep in mind the happy ending we're not going to leave Lexa in misery.
> 
> Also is anyone as happy as me that Titus got what he deserved? Apparently I need to think of a fitting end for Nia too, that one might be more difficult to fix...ideas welcome.

Chapter 4

Alexandria paced the streets alone, she walked much slower than usual, she didn’t have the will to walk with purpose, she felt like she had no purpose at all. The look Clarke had given her, it was burnt into her mind, an indelible mark on her soul. She wished she’d never met that girl, never crossed paths with her smiling face and easy charm. She wished she had been able to ignore her, just as she ignored everyone else. _Love is weakness,_ never before had those words felt truer. She was shaking, she hadn’t stopped since she left the hospital. It was as though she were physically in shock. Thankfully the walk to her home was short and the route familiar. Her feet knew the right way automatically, as if programmed, she had no real awareness of where she was going. Everything felt dull, hazy as though her world was being viewed through a veil.  
Her phone vibrated in her pocket, then the familiar ringtone filled the silence of the empty street. She answered without checking who was calling.  
“Hey Lexa! Merry Christmas...well, almost”  
Nobody called her by that name anymore, almost no one. The familiarity made the caller's identity obvious it must be Anya.  
“So look, I have not seen you in months, which I know isn’t exactly unusual, but seriously I really need to see you, it is Christmas after all!” Anya usually managed to bring some joy into Lexa's life. They were alike in many respects, neither overly demonstrative. This meant that Anya never pushed too hard, didn't ask for smiles and loving words, she accepted Alexandria for who she was. Tonight though, the younger woman was harder to reach than ever, swallowed by her sorrows.  
“Anya, seriously, you know I really don’t do Christmas, It’s a complete nonsense holiday.”  
“Yeah I know, I know, you are a complete grinch, and we only hope that one year your heart will grow 3 sizes too, then you let in the true meaning of Christmas” Lexa could hear the laughter in her friends voice, but she really was not in the mood for it at all. It was unfortunate that Anya picked that moment to call, especially sounding so bright and cheerful.  
“Look, I’m not going to take no for an answer this year, you have to come round tomorrow, you know my family love you, and there’s another reason I really want you to come round.”  
“Anya” She drew out the name, weariness permeating her voice. “Now really isn’t the time, I’ve had one hell of a craQppy day and I just don’t have it in me to sit around a table tomorrow, making polite conversation and getting fed up on turkey and Christmas cheer.”  
Anya let out a long laugh in response, she was well used to the businesswoman’s brusque countenance too used to it for her to take any notice.  
“Look, if you’re going to force me to say it, then I will. I really wanted it to be a surprise, but apparently you are as stubborn as always. Lexa, I, I met someone. He’s really amazing, we’ve been together for a while, so he’s spending Christmas with us. Christmas is about family, and you know you are part of my family.”  
She was not prepared for those words from her friend, the timing could not have been worse. “Anya, we’re not family, I don’t have a family, remember? Nor do I have any need of one. You celebrate Christmas in your way, that’s fine. But let me celebrate it in my own way.”  
“Lexa you don’t celebrate it at all!”  
“And that is my wish, that is how I want to spend my day, in solitude, without lots of idiots wishing me a Merry Christmas.”  
“But this guy...I mean he’s special, I really want you to meet him. Lexa, I am in love with him.”  
“Love? You’re in love with him??” Lexa could feel her heart breaking in her chest, with feelings of grief and loneliness, a pain she could feel in the depth of her stomach, she pushed her feelings down, deeper than ever. She let anger replace the hurt.  
“Love is about the only thing more stupid than a Merry Christmas Anya.”  
“Lexa...please...I just” she spoke dejectedly “...look, if you change your mind, I just really want you to be part of this. It would mean the world to me, if you would just come. Lexa, I love you too, Merry Christmas.”  
Anya didn’t wait for a response, she simply ended the call. She couldn’t cope with the weight of people’s expectation, everyone she cared for she hurt. She might as well resign herself to it, be like Titus and Nia, that’s what they all expected.

She arrived home, hardly knowing how she got there. A multitude of thoughts of feeling coursing through her, so much going on in her mind that she wasn’t really surprised by what greeted her there. As she put her key in the lock she glanced at the knocker. Her house was a grand victorian townhouse 3 stories high and as imposing as the woman who lived in it. The knocker was of a classic style, made from brass, she was not particularly fond of it yet it had come with the house and she hadn’t made any changes at all since she bought it. She had looked upon that knocker every day since then, and thought very little of it at all. But now, as she looked at the knocker upon her door, it was no longer a knocker at all, it was Titus’ face.  
It was not caught in murky shadows, as was the rest of the street, but seemed to emanate an eerie light from within itself. The face was not horrific in any way, it was not contorted or menacing, it merely looked like the man himself. Bald, with deep set eyes and a prominent brow. The chin was strong and squared, and with the same gaunt look that had always fixed upon Alexandria as he surveyed her work. The eyes were open but unmoving. The light from it was somewhat haunting, but the face itself did not have that quality at all it was the perfect likeness.  
Lexa stood, transfixed by the strange phenomenon staring fixedly upon the knocker. But it was a knocker again, same as she had left it this morning.  
To say this sight had not disturbed her would be untrue, she was deeply unsettled, a feeling she had not experienced before in her life. But she did not dwell on her feelings, instead she unlocked her door at hastened inside. Inside was as she expected it to be, but just to satisfy herself she did do a quick check of all the rooms, so she could be satisfied that nothing was out of place, that nobody was here who ought not to be. It did not take her long to check, each room was sparsely furnished. The house lacked personal touches, most rooms were completely empty. If it had been a recent move you might have expected this, but she had lived there 5 years now. For all her wealth very little was displayed, just as she had no time for people, she had no time for things either. It never really struck the young woman before, how empty everything was, but, perhaps due to the day she'd had, suddenly the emptiness struck her, as though it reflected her emotional state. She continued her search feeling ever more alone. As she expected, all was well. She really needed to get her head in the right place, all the strange events of the past few days must be taking their toll upon her. She stayed on the top floor where she had finished up her house inspection. The largest room here was the home gym, and it was exactly what she needed to get her head straight. This was the only room that she had filled, she delighted in pushing herself hard, physically and mentally. The room was as well equipped as any gym you'd pay to attend, if not better. She much preferred having the equipment available at home, where she wouldn't have to deal with any intrusions. She had her workout clothes stored up here so she quickly changed into something more appropriate, and comfortable. She began on the treadmill, starting slowly until she was thoroughly warmed up then she cranked up the speed and varied the incline so that she had to work really hard to stay on the machine. Short of breath but enjoying the exhilaration of exercise she moved on to her free weights and set about her usual routine, perhaps with more intensity than usual. She finished up with some abdominal exercises and calisthenics before hopping back onto the treadmill for a cool down. Once she was all stretched out she felt infinitely better than when she had begun. She quickly showered, clothed herself in long sleeve PJ’s, they were ridiculous grey and black striped with a racoon emblazoned on the front. A Christmas gift from Anya last year, shit, she really did need to call Anya back. It was a particularly cold night so she also slipped on her dressing-gown and slippers. She headed to the kitchen to fix herself a sandwich. With the sandwich and a cold beer she settled herself before her fire, snuggled into her favourite armchair. The house was fitted within central heating of course, but she rarely used it. She loved the romance and ambience of a log fire, it complemented the large collection of candles that filled her home and which now flickered beautifully on the dark night.  
Of all the events that day, the most insignificant played on her mind the most. She couldn’t get the image of Titus’ face out of her mind. She began to see it reflected in various ornaments and pictures that decorated this room (all gifts, mainly Anya's), damn the candlelight perhaps, they weren’t the best choice for lighting this evening. The way that flamed flicker has always provided food for the imagination, conjuring images in the shadows that were not really there. But even that meagre lighting began to fail, as though the fire was out of logs and the candles were burnt down to their wicks, all dimmed simultaneously.  
Ringing began to fill the house, from seemingly everywhere and yet nowhere the chimes rang out increasing in volume and pace matching the rhythm of her heart, which began beating wildly. _God, I must have worked out too hard, I really must have pushed myself, this isn’t real this can’t be happening. Get a grip this is all in your head._ The ringing ceased, silence filled the house, but only momentarily. The ringing was replaced by a far more alarming sound. Clanking, creaking chains that sounded as though they were dragging up her stairs. The sounds grew slowly louder, as though they were approaching, until it sounded so close that they might be on the other side of her living room door. _It’s all in your head, it’s all in your head_. Despite her protestations the colour was draining from her face.  
The dying fire burst into life, as did the candles surrounding her, the room filled with an eerie flickering glow, then died once more. Stood before her wrapped in chains and pale in colour was Titus himself.  
“What are you doing here?” she cried, “What do you want with me?”  
“I want many things, most which I will never get.” the apparition replied in an all too familiar voice. It was unmistakably Titus’.  
“Who are you?”  
“You ask questions when you already know the answer, not though, who I am, rather, who I was.”  
“Who were you then?”  
“In life I was your partner, Tobius Titus.”  
“Then sit down, Titus, if you are able, you really were never one to stand when there was the offer of a seat instead.” She watched intently expecting that whatever stood before her would be unable to take a seat. But this figure proved her wrong and seated itself next to her.  
“I know you well Alexandria, you doubt my existence. Yet here I am before you, why do you doubt your own senses.”  
“Why? Because this is complete nonsense. I’m overtired, overworked, I didn’t sleep last night, and I just worked up one hell of a sweat. For all I know I’m fast asleep, and you are a result of that cheese which I loaded my sandwich with.”  
“I have not the time to convince you of my reality, believe in me or not, as you wish, it will not change the events of this night.”  
“So why, pray tell, have you arisen from your peaceful slumber, to spend your night stalking the living? Why, when so many more interesting exist, do the dead awaken and come to talk with me of all people?”  
“My sleep is far from peaceful, this is why I have sought you out, my fate is to wander this earth, to warn those that would follow in my path of the horrors at await them” At this he shook his chains and a fearsome anguish filled his face. The terror displayed on that face chilled the woman more than all that had gone before. The look conveyed, not terrors from the beyond grave, but guilt, and condemnation, conviction of the sins in life. She had seen that look in her own eyes this evening as she stared in the mirror and thought of Clarke.  
“What are the chains for?”  
“I made these chains in life, link by link. As I shut off my heart and welcomed greed and envy. My path was set long ago when I closed myself to the feelings of others. What began as self preservation became in me a source of pride. I enjoyed separating myself from those about me, I thought myself above them all. But I took more joy from myself than others, for they found it elsewhere, and I did not. Though I filled my life with things others could not dream of, I was numbed to it all. I became more cruel, I became more angry.”  
The shaking from earlier that evening returned, but more pronounced. She knew this story, she knew those chains. They may not be visible, as the ones that coiled around Titus, but the young woman could feel them nonetheless.  
“So, what would you have me do? I assume you cannot be here with nothing to offer? What comfort do you bring?”  
“I have no comfort to bring you, I have one purpose now. That is, to wander these streets nightly, with knowledge of my guilt, with a conscience I hid in life. I feel the pain I brought to others, and that will never end. There is no light nor hope for me, so what then can I offer to you?”  
Lexa assessed these words carefully, it was true that Titus had been oblivious of the pain that he inflicted, uncaring for the plight of those he saw around him. Was she too already beyond hope, was her character too fixed to remedy?  
“If it is true that you have no hope to give, then why come to my door at all? If I am to walk these streets with you one night, then you could have saved yourself a journey and awaited my arrival.”  
The guest laughed at these words, though the laughter was hollow and foreboding, it was a void that would never be filled, like the man from which it came.  
“Very true my girl, you are as sharp in wit as I remember. But there is a greater purpose in my visitation. I come that you might change your path and avoid the punishment that I face. It is not I who brings that hope, but others will come, those who may give you far more than I.”  
“More visitors? Do you mean more ghosts? I have had more than enough already, I have no desire to meet any others.” She spoke honestly, she was far more shaken by this encounter than she appeared. For a woman so used to being in control, this encounter was enough for a lifetime. She had a feeling though that these apparitions were not likely concerned with her preferences.  
The pale man before her did not respond to her words but looked at her, mournful eyes meeting hers. Did she feel pity for this man, who in life was her mentor, or did she think that somehow he had got what he deserved, to live eternally with his guilt? Perhaps that was the problem with her heart, that it had begun its atrophy, she did not feel for him. His anguish did not reach her. Perhaps Titus was wrong, perhaps she was already beyond even the reach of spirits to breath life into her again.  
“Expect the first ghost as the bell tolls one!”  
Without looking from her face Titus began walking backwards away from her, each step he took he rose from the floor and into the air. Suddenly he wasn’t alone, but many more figures in chains appeared about him. They were bound together by their chains which seems so tight as to cut into their limbs. All were alike in misery, and each softly moaned, together joining in harmonic horror.  
Alexandria moved towards her window as they began disappearing through the walls and into the street outside. Here one phantom caught her eye, dressed in the finest tailored suit, impeccably styled hair. He was reaching out beneath him, as though to pull himself back to the ground. His eyes were transfixed by a figure huddled between blankets in the street, the man saw him not. Lexa saw with clarity that moment, the punishment that lay before these souls. They were all alive to the plight of humanity, as they were not in life. They longed to interfere for good in the lives of those suffering, yet they had lost their chance. Doomed to see the pain all about them, pain they could have abated in life but that now they would never touch.  
The spirit rose and their haunting song faded until the young neither saw nor heard them. She was alone once more, in the solitude of her home. She walked around her house again, particularly checking the lock of her door. Nothing whatsoever was out of place. Whatever had just gone on she didn’t want to think about it, hopefully in the morning with the light of day and a clear head she could rationally explain why her mind had produced such disturbed visions.  
Without undressing any further she collapsed on her bed and fell instantly to sleep.


	5. The Ghost of Christmas Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So definitely feeling a little nervous now, it is the second chapter without Clarke, and there will likely be a couple more without her at all. Obviously we won't be getting much in the way of Clarke's point of view until the end, such is the narrative structure of the story.
> 
> Hopefully some of you readers out there really love Lexa, and want to get a deep look into what makes her tick in this AU. I hope that in the next chapter I can work in a little more characters that you know. That it will not be so completely Lexa-centric. I'm mindful too that the tone has been heavy now for quite a few chapters and there definitely need to be some respite, it is Christmas after all. Therefore I imagine it might take me a little longer to write the next chapter, I feel like it's got to be right, else I might lose some of you lovely readers.
> 
> Thanks those of you who have left Kudos, and comments. I keep saying it, but it really makes a difference, so don't be shy. Please too, if you think i'm going the wrong way, let me know that as well. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 5

Alexandria's sleep was deep and dreamless, the past few days had drained her. You would have thought her unwakeable so sound was her slumber, indeed you or I would certainly have failed. But there was something else at work in the ringing of the bells, something otherworldly that called to Lexa.  
Her eyes opened wide, moments before the first chime. She did not blink for the heaviness of sleep had fallen immediately from her, she was instantly alert. She heard the bells heralding the hour, one o'clock.  
The clock finished sounding, and the silence was palpable. The brunette breathed out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding. She tried to scan her room in the darkness, but there was nothing that caught her attention. She smirked, _what an idiot_ she scolded herself. Whatever nonsense her fevered imagination had invented that evening at least it was at an end. She began to take off her slippers, preparing herself for a night of undisturbed sleep.  
All of a sudden her bedroom curtains began to twitch. A small hand could be seen appearing, presumably, from the window. Perhaps she wouldn't have noticed the movement but for her head being bent towards her feet. The hand was small and childlike, and it grasped at the heavy material firmly. As the curtains parted, light flooded her room as though outside were a midsummer day, rather than the darkness of a winter night.  
The light dazzled Alexandria and in her moment of blindness the small figure had crossed the room and was stood by her elbow. Her first impression of this new arrival was, to some degree, correct. This apparition was childlike in form and yet there was something more in those eyes and face. There Lexa could see a wisdom, one beyond, not only this child's years, but beyond the years of any person she had ever encountered. That expression of wisdom made Lexa pause, she didn't quite know how to address figure, a child who at the same time seemed far older than anyone she had met before.  
The strange figure was clothed all in white, it fitted loosely and fell all the way to the floor, it gently blew in the breeze, which came from the newly opened window. Their hair was long and pure white, it blended seamlessly with the clothes it wore. Around the waist a leather belt gathered the flowing material together, it had a gold luster to it and a large buckle. The apparel added to the strangeness of this creature and it continued to intrigue Lexa.  
Unlike Titus’ appearance, there was nothing to fear in this small spirit, it was unthreatening, without any trace of hostility. However it's appearance was far stranger that Titus' had been, the more that you focused upon the spirit, the more you found yourself unable to do so. It was as if you were looking through the lens of camera which kept struggling for focus. One moment you saw distinct lines and clarity, the next it blurred into obscurity. This constant oscillation felt dizzying, so that you had to avert your eyes, always looking slightly beyond of before the spirit. 

“Are you the one I was told to expect?”  
“I am.” The spirit offered no other words, just this simple answer, she was forced to probe further.  
“Who...or perhaps, what are you?”  
“I am the ghost of Christmas past.” The voice was soft and gentle, but like the appearance of this spirit it had an odd quality about it. The voice sounded both near and far away in equal measure, if you could not see the source of the voice you would never have been able to point to its location.  
“Christmas past, do you mean, like the first Christmas?”  
“I see all the Christmases that have been. But I show only your past tonight”  
There had been no great detail given to her by Titus, he merely signposted this arrival. Yet in all her years she would never have thought of a visitor coming to show her, what she was already well aware of. She knew her past, and it belonged behind her too. Rather than the awe which had marked her first interactions, irritation began to show as she enquired what the purpose of this visit was.  
“I come for your welfare.”  
At this Lexa scoffed, she was very well, in all respects. The only thing she was in need of was a good night's sleep, preferably undisturbed. She had no qualms letting the ghost know this.  
“If not for your welfare, then I come for your salvation, for the restoration of your hope. Listen to me.”  
The young woman would have found this much more difficult to refute for she did indeed feel hopeless. However the Spirit gave her no opportunity for further argument, the spirit reached out and the childlike hands took her wrist, but with a grip whose strength defied logic.  
“Come with me awhile.”  
It was phrased as though optional however no decision was needed, for, with that otherworldly strength that had been displayed in its grip Lexa was forced to rise from her bed and was led to the open window.

The strength of the spirit alarmed Alexandria, she was rarely overpowered by anyone and not used to being made to move against her will. The closer they got to the window the more the panic spread through her body. It became clear that their destination was not the window itself, but outside, beyond the confines of her house.  
“Are you trying to kill me?” She admonished. “Are you ghosts just speeding the process of my demise, that I might fall from my rooms to my death?”  
“With my hand in yours you have nothing to fear, I will protect you and you shall see all that you need to see.”  
They walked, not out of the window, but through the wall. Where they should have found the street outside there was nothing but thick fog. They continued walking hand in hand through the mists.

The walk through the mists calmed Lexa, there was something oddly familiar within it, though she could make out nothing distinct. Amidst the haze were shadows that almost formed faces, there were voices she had heard before, but too far away to clearly distinguish. She kept a tight grip upon the spirit at her side and kept walking. After continuing some way the clouds seemed to disperse and for the first time distinct objects took form.  
An imposing stone building rose up before her, old and impressive with a sense of history and purpose that seeped through its very stonework. She knew this building so well, though it had been many years since she had thought of it.  
“This is my school...this was my home.”  
A car drove up the gravel path winding its way towards the main entrance to the school. The tires crunched and brakes squealed slightly as the car stopped directly in front.  
An impeccably dressed chauffeur stepped from the driver's seat and moved towards the passenger door. Opening it wide in front of himself, one arm held the door and the other beckoned the car's passenger out into the cold open air.  
A tiny girl emerged from the car, at the sight of her Lexa could not stifle a shocked inhalation of breath. The girl was so young, extremely slender with long legs and hair to match. The hair was prettily kept and laced with intricate braids. Most arresting of her features were her eyes. They shone from her face a beautiful green flecked with shimmering gold. But those eyes were so sad, you could see their light had been dimmed. You could see too, the rawness of the skin surrounding them. Tracks were just barely visible from her eyes down here cheeks, where tears had fallen not long ago.  
“Do you know this girl?”  
She could barely find her breath to speak, with barely a whisper she replied.  
“Oh yes, I know her very well.”  
They watched in silence as the youngster surveyed the building. The child looked with such intensity, it were as if she looked for a truth that lay inside the walls. Looking for the answer to a question that she could not even articulate. Then she spoke.  
“Are you to leave me now too?” She addressed the question to the man holding the door.  
“My little lady, you know I wish I weren't. I must return to your aunt and uncle, perhaps though it will be I who picks you up in the holidays.” He smiled down at the girl as he said those words. He seemed so genuine, warmth flooded his features. There looked like many words were left unspoken. But the smile he gave still reached his small companion and she returned it sadness still evident in her face.  
The two strange companions watched the scene unfold in silence. Thick tears now fell from the young woman's eyes as though to match the tear streaked face of that small girl before them. Lexa made no move to wipe them away, merely left them as they were, glistening upon her cheeks.  
The Chauffeur bent down and scooped the tiny Alexandria in his arms, holding her near to his chest.  
“Don't you forget about me, now you are off having adventures at this fancy school. All the friends you'll make remember you've got one old friend from home who wishes he could watch you grow” With those words he returned the girl to the ground. He made his way back to the driver's side and slipped into the seat. The gravel crunched again as the car pulled away disappearing from view along old country lanes. The girl left behind watched the car all the while never moving as she was left, all alone.  
The older brunette finally wiped her face with the sleeve of her dressing gown and sniffed.  
“That was the Christmas after the accident...after I lost them. I never did see him again.” The words were spoken so softly barely leaving her lips. They weren't spoken to the ghost but more to herself, as if remembering a half forgotten dream.  
“Come there is more to see.” The ghost took hold of her hand once more as they moved towards the building.

They walked through the doors and into the corridors, the building was old, with a classic architecture which was magnificent. It was decorated beautifully with garlands and holly, bringing life into the cold wintery halls. There were smells of Christmas in the air too, Clementines and cinnamon, cloves and hot apple. Children filled every last space, arm in arm, giggling excitedly. They rushed around caught up in festivities and celebrations. Their pockets and mouths bulging with sweet treats.  
Lexa smiled as she watched them, her heart lightened at the busyness of the scene. She remembered well how her school had come alive at Christmas. They weaved through the thronged corridors leaving behind the masses and coming to quieter classrooms. They stepped through the door of one such deserted room.  
Almost deserted, there in the corner, huddled over her desk enthralled by a book was that same girl. She looked no different than before, except her face was clear from tears and weakened eyes. Days may have passed, but no more than that. They continued to watch the girl for some time but she never moved from her place, fingers turning the page of the book that she devoured. Occasionally chattering could be heard in the hallway outside, but nothing distracted her.  
“I’ve always loved to read, you cannot be lonely when there are so many people to meet inside the pages of a book. I spent all my holidays this way.”  
The spirit said nothing, not commenting upon the evident loneliness of the scene, it did not need to be stated. The woman beside her remembered how the loneliness had crushed her, even if she may not admit it aloud.  
"There were many more Christmases here." The spirit prompted. “Why see them? They were never any different, nothing changed.”  
“You changed Alexandria.”  
Before her eyes she saw herself move and grow, sitting down with new books, putting away old ones, writing letters and contemplating theories. From a tiny scrawny girl she lengthened out, still slim, but the strength increased in her limbs. There was a new strength in her face too, it became harder and more focused as though the whole body was being made a perfect machine, built to withstand everything, filled with knowledge and hardened to the world.  
She was not alone now, but two girls of similar age were with her in the room. They stood apart from her speaking as though neither party knew of the other. The girls were speaking excitedly, exchanging plans for Christmas, their hopes and expectations.  
“What about _her_?”  
“What? Alexandria? Oh she never goes home for the holidays. I don’t think there is anyone who wants her, I mean, would you?”  
The two girl burst into laughter and exchanged knowing looks. The girl in the corner was unmoved, as though the words they had spoken didn’t reach her.  
“It is true, my aunt and uncle never allowed me back with them. But this was my home anyway, I’d never lived with them. I enjoyed it actually, it focused my mind. I had more time for my studies. The others were only jealous, every time they returned I was further ahead...Why would I care what they thought of me?”  
Again her companion offered no words, it were as though the encounter were private, between the young woman and the girl that she once was. The spirit offered no consolation nor condemnation, merely a guide to this past, a past that had laid forgotten by its owner. Lexa did not need any words, from the look with which she watched herself you could see that no words would reach her anyway. She was completely taken over by the sight of her former self, it seemed as though she wished to reach out and touch the young girl, yet she made no move to do so, she merely watched intently.

Without warning the years began moving once more and the girl disappeared, replaced by a young woman, beautiful but harsh. The posture was now fixed in place, replicated perfectly in both versions of Alexandria. The younger stood still, waiting. Again she was not alone in the room, not peers this time but a much older woman stood before her. She was tall and dark, with closely cropped black hair. An attractive women, but fierce and uncompromising. She stood with the same rigidity as the young woman she surveyed. Though her face revealed very little, a glint in her dark brown eyes spoke of the pride that she felt for her young charge.  
“This is our farewell, Alexandria” The woman had a resonant voice, powerful and demanding of attention.  
“Yes Headmistress.”  
“I see you have a very good position to start your apprenticeship.” The young woman replied with the same affirmative again and the Headmistress’ mouth turned up in a soft smile.  
“You have always worked hard Alexandria, and that hard work will now reap many rewards. You have a great future ahead of you, I will be glad to see how you progress.”  
Lexa remembered this woman well, if not entirely fondly. She had been instrumental in her education, moulding her into the woman that she was. Professor Indra was unabashedly logical, every word that she uttered was considered, every action thought through fully. When Lexa had come to her, she was still hot-headed. She was angry about her situation, aggrieved by the loss of her parents and the early ending of her childhood. Indra had taught her that anger, at least displayed outwardly was futile. To dwell upon the past was useless, instead that past must be used as fuel to drive you forward. This lesson had been instrumental. Every hardship that she faced stoked her fire to succeed. She learnt to not give others power over her disposition, meeting all encounters with the same dispassion that her mentor displayed. Of all the meetings in this great place of learning, the ones with her headmistress had shaped her the most.  
“Thank you, headmistress. All you have taught me will go with me into my work, I am determined to be successful in all that I undertake.”  
“I know you will be. But, one final word of advice Alexandria, before you step out on your own. There will be many distractions out there, many situations and people who try to pull you off course. Keep in mind what you have learnt over these years. Guard yourself against such things, for they are the only thing that can stand in your way. You may accomplish whatever you wish, so long as you stay focused.”

With those final words still ringing in her ears, the room before them began to swirl with the thick fog that had marked their arrival. Indra disappeared from sight, lost quickly in the mists, as the classroom too began to fade from view. Alexandria’s eyes remained upon her younger self which seemed to stand out from the swirling clouds about them. She too began to shrink into the fog. But until the very last moment she kept her eyes locked on her own face, on the determination, the desire to prove oneself, and, buried deep within, the devastating loneliness.

Just as suddenly as they had arrived, they left that place, where Lexa had spent so many of her years, lost once more to the mists of time. She looked around herself, expecting to see the familiar surroundings of her bedroom. But though she wished that the exploration into her past was at an end, the place that she found herself was not home at all.


	6. Sweet Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally planning that this Chapter and the one that will follow would be in one. However I felt that this stood by itself and I really didn't want to rush it.
> 
> I hope that some of the encounters made you smile, I also hope I haven't ruined Anya, I know she's a hard-ass too but I just felt that in this context she is the one that is bringing out some of the light within Lexa, as currently there wasn't any other person to do that. Maybe I'll be able to write more of the other aspects of her personality in later chapters, but otherwise you're going to have to give me creative licence. 
> 
> Also I think I might know where we're going in the next chapter, but it has been one that I've been struggling to picture, so we shall have to cross our fingers and hope I can make it work.
> 
> Goes without saying, thanks for leaving Kudos and comments. Also perhaps I should be reminding people I don't own these characters...not even the basic plot either, but I do all in loving tribute. 
> 
> Only a week until Christmas Day guys, are you excited?

Chapter 6

It took a few moments to place precisely where she was, these surroundings not as familiar to her as the school where she had spent so much of her young life. They stood in the middle of a large crowd of people all dressed to the nines with festive flourishes about their attire. Women wore earrings shaped in peculiar fashion, snowmen, reindeer, baubles and Christmas puddings particularly popular. Those in suits wore ridiculous festive neckties each more ridiculous than the last.  
The volume was intense, Christmas music filled the space, raised to an unnecessary volume due to the noise of the crowd as they chatted amongst themselves. Most of the guests had their drinks clasped in one hand. By the looks of things the party had been in full swing for some time. Quite a number of the guests looked as though they were already worse for wears, taking too much advantage of the free bar privileges. There was an unofficial dance floor, in the middle of the room, where work colleagues were getting far too close than prudent. It was easy to imagine the awkward encounters that would follow tomorrow morning after the haze of alcohol subsided and people awoke with strangers in their beds.

The ghost did was not interested in the slightest by the partying crowd. It's attention was drawn another way entirely. It looked up at the offices which overlooked the trading floor (now a party floor). The offices had floor to ceiling windows so that the occupants could survey what was happening beneath them. They were mostly in darkness now, their owners cutting loose in the celebratory spirit. But there was one which emanated a soft light as though a lamp was still shining in it's depths. The spirit stared intently until Lexa's attention was drawn the same way. The spirit strong arm pointed towards the light and it's other hand took her hand once more. 

They found themselves in that softly lit office without moving a step. Alexandria was well aware of what they'd find there. Her younger-self sat behind a desk. There was little difference between the woman sat down and the one who watched her, not enough time had passed to tell in changes upon her face.  
That face was lit blue from the screen of the laptop before her. She surveyed it's contents intently. Unperturbed by the rhythmic thumping of the party, which apparently, she was ignoring.  
“You sit here alone?” The soft voice of the spirit asked.  
“I have always preferred my own company. Christmas has always been a useful time for business, whilst others spend their time frivolously, I make plans and position myself.” Despite herself, her voice betrayed the lie she spoke. Her face too was not the usual mask of indifference, perhaps the amount of emotions swirling within her had made it too much for her to keep them at bay. The brunette seemed lost, she looked hopelessly at herself unable to find any more words.

They were not left undisturbed for long. Another young woman entered, she didn't announce her arrival but burst into the room as though it were her own.  
“Finally, I've found you!”  
The young Lexa looked up from her work to see who had interrupted her. The woman was tall and slender, with beautiful South Asian features and dirty blonde hair, which fell well below her shoulders in curvy waves. She wore very heavy eyeliner which gave her an almost intimidating appearance. She certainly stood out. She was dressed for the party too but reasonably moderately. She wore a tight black skirt which ended mid thigh and accentuated her long legs. Her blazer matched the skirt and was perfectly tailored for her figure. She wore a deep red blouse which was unbuttoned at the neck. The intruder looked impeccable, excepting a tie which hung loose about her neck. The tie was quite frankly ridiculous, but hilariously festive. It depicted father Christmas stuck headfirst down a chimney on a snowy rooftop. His legs flailing uselessly while his reindeer watched on, considering their owner's predicament. The novelty necktie seemed oddly out of place on this woman whose first impression was intensely serious, however it made you look closer at that face, and see the glint of humor shining in those dark brown eyes. As she looked at Lexa a wide smile spread across her face, the transformation was remarkable, suddenly she exuded warmth and familiarity.  
“You have found me. Was it not obvious where I would be?” The sitting woman met the smile offered with a smaller one of her own, clearly the interruption wasn’t completely unwelcome.  
“Yeah, I should have known you’d be working, and as far away from the fun as possible!”  
“We all have different ideas of fun Anya, and I imagine that quite a few people down there will be regretting that so-called-fun first thing tomorrow morning.”  
Anya laughed and rolled her eyes at her friend.  
“No we don’t _all_ have ideas of fun, I am fairly certain that you have no idea what fun is at all.”  
The smile in Lexa’s face grew wider with these words shaking her head at the other girl’s quick response.  
“Lexaaaa, come on, you really do need to learn to live a little. You’ve been working hard for weeks. You have made more money than any junior banker in the history of the company, honestly what more could you possibly have to prove? Also while I am on the subject why the hell aren’t you coming to my house this year for Christmas lunch? I know you have no other plans.”  
The spirit was silent as ever, as Alexandria watched herself conversing with her one true friend in the world. The conversation reminded her of the events of the Christmas previous to the one they were currently spectating. Her only Christmas day spent with Anya, though the invitation had been given every year since. Quite simply it had been a disaster, she just had not been used to that sort of chit chat around the table. She had been so self-conscious and aware of how sullen she appeared, yet knowing that didn’t help if anything it had made her more awkward. The whole dinner she barely responded to questions addressed to her. It had reached the lowest ebb when Anya’s step-mother had asked her whether or not Lexa’s parents would be missing her, being away at Christmas time. Both Anya and her Father Gustus had given her the most exasperated looks, clearly she had been told of Lexa’s situation but hadn’t manage to retain the information. The Christmas lunch had been an unmitigated disaster.  
Though momentarily lost in other memories she was snapped back to the present, or was that the present past? The two friends were still talking over her rejection of the Christmas lunch invitation.  
“Look I know my stepmum is a moron, honestly she must be really good in the sack, else I have literally no comprehension of why Dad married her.”  
“Anya! I have no wish to consider your Father’s sex life, seriously. How much have you had to drink that you talk to me about this stuff?”  
“Hey, I wasn’t inviting you to picture it, you perve, I was merely trying to explain why a man as sensible and all-around awesome ends up with a woman like that. You know how much my Dad loves you Lex, he felt so awful after last year and he misses having you around.”  
In response to her friend, young Alexandria regained her former smile, remembering the man who had welcomed her into his home. “I like your Dad too, very much so. However, I am pretty certain that his regard for me is solely in the fact that I managed to get you this job.”  
“Noooo, that’s the reason I like you so much.” Anya laughed and gave Lexa a playful wink. The truth was that she’d somewhat taken Lexa under her wing in her first job out of school. Where the other staff had given the “young upstart” a cold shoulder, jealous of her evident brilliance, Anya had made sure she knew how everything worked. It was inevitable that Lexa would soon get a better job than her friend, but Anya had not expected to be remembered by Lexa. When Lexa had phoned and told Anya that there was a possible place for her at her new workplace, she had realised that, for all her harshness, Lexa cared for her in return.  
“Ok, I will do you a deal, I’ll let you skip Christmas dinner this year, but only if you come down to this party, right now. There are lots of super hot men, and women, all looking for something distracting for the night. And, my friend, though you never make any use of it whatsoever, you have all the right attributes to be, very, distracting.” At this Anya laughed, louder than all the times before and she reached for her friend’s arm pulling her from her chair and towards the door.  
“Oh shit! I almost forgot, now, you look mad hot in that pant suit, but it is missing something…” She reached into the black bag slung over her shoulder. She pulled out a jet black tie, right at the bottom of which was a green man with an evil smirk and a Father Christmas hat. “Isn’t it the best thing, ever? Listen, listen, if you press it here..”  
The tie began to make music, the opening lines of a well known tune.  
“You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel…”  
The brunette looked horrified at her friends offering, eyes wide in disbelief. “Anya, you really have got to be kidding.”

The ghost and Alexandria had watched the two friends bickering and laughing as they left the office and headed down to the crowds and the party.

Lexa had been watching this Christmas scene with much less anxiety than she had during her school-day memories. Actually she watched the proceedings with something that resembled pleasure. This all reminded her of why she kept Anya in her life, she did provide a necessary balance. The businesswoman remembered with guilt the last phone call between them. She definitely needed to make sure things were straightened out between them. Now Lexa watched as her younger self was pulled onto the dance floor by an increasingly jolly and intoxicated Anya. Lexa’s stomach lurched as she realised what she was about to witness. She no longer felt relaxed, she felt more fearful than she had felt yet that night.

Anya was grinding inappropriately against two young men, managing to keep both interested even though they evidently weren’t happy to be sharing. She kept pulling her friend into the middle of the dancing, not letting her slip away. Whilst she was momentarily distracted by those rowdy dance partners Lexa saw her opportunity and slipped away. Obviously far too eager to be out of the situation she didn’t look where she was going. She collided with another dancer and her beer slipped from her hand and smashed at her feet.

Alexandria watched from afar with a heavy heart. She saw the olive skinned woman apologise profusely for a collision which hadn't been her fault. Even with the passage of time she couldn't help but be transfixed by the woman’s beauty. She wore a dress of navy blue, which clung enticing to a voluptuous figure, a plunged neckline left little to the imagination. The dress was full length, though was slit on one side, perilously high, and one beautiful leg was left exposed. The gorgeous woman had hazel eyes and dark hair which was worn, half up in a bun, whilst the remainder was left loose. Even from a distance you could see the shock upon the young traders face, firstly from having dropped her beer, but then only increasing as her eyes travelled from the smashed bottle up the exposed leg of the majestic woman.  
“You remember this encounter?” The spirit startled her from her recollections, having almost forgotten its presence. The words phrased as a question though the answer was clear. Alexandria's expression was identical to that of her younger self. Green eyes darkened by enlarged pupils, mouth slightly parted. The desire within that look was obvious.  
“Costia.” She breathed reverently.

Anya had noticed the disappearance of her captive, alerted by the smashing of glass. She looked knowingly between the two women as she stepped towards them.  
“Ah, Costia! I was hoping we'd bump into you, though perhaps not quite so literally.” She smiled mischievously. Lexa's cheeks flushed red, and faintly scowled at her friend.  
“Costia, this is my friend Alexandria. We went to school together, unfortunately she's rather a stick in the mud and she needs a little help to loosen up, I thought you'd be perfect.” The small scowl now became an intense glare, not doing much to disprove the words that had just been spoken.  
Costia laughed, it was breathy and light, she smiled beautifully into the green eyes who were still angrily surveying the devilish dirty blonde.  
“It's my pleasure to meet you, Alexandria.” She held out a soft hand in greeting, which Lexa held and pressed to her lips, an uncharacteristic welcome, perhaps trying to make amends for the broken glass and hard stare.  
“The pleasure is all mine, sorry again for not watching where I was going, are you sure I didn’t get anything on your dress? My friend here has me completely wrong I assure you, I have no trouble in enjoying the company of a beautiful woman.” She looked at Costia from under her long eyelashes and flashed her a confident grin.”  
“Dammmmn, my girl’s got game!” Anya hollored. At that Lexa gave her a friendly shove, and, holding Costia’s arm in hers she led her away.  
“Come on, I need another drink, and I see you don’t have one either.”

The two new acquaintances only had eyes for each other, the two out-of-time watched, as they talked together eyes meeting flirtatiously over their drinks. The conversation was regularly interspersed with laughter from one, or both of the women. At one point Costia grasped Anya's hideous gift, and was uproarious when the music began to play, Lexa merely flushed a deep red. Alexandria didn’t move closer to hear the particulars of the conversation, she remembered most of it. Largely it had been unimportant, just the first tentative enquiries about each others lives. They had shared a passion for classic literature, Costia was surprised to learn how well versed Lexa was in the romantics. She remembered how she strove to impress the girl at every turn, using her excellent memory for poetry to punctuate not just this encounter but every subsequent one. After they had been talking some time Costia looked longingly at the brunette.  
“Would you do me the honor of a dance?”  
They walked slowly back to the dance floor, the music had become softer as the evening came to it’s close, couples were all that remained on the dance floor. They wrapped their arms around one another bodies pressed together, no air left between them. It was not a complicated dance, rather they swayed together to the music Lexa occasionally leading her partner in a small spin. It was obvious to all who watched them that a connection had been formed, one that would last beyond just that night. Green eyes met hazel and melted in their gaze. With another flourish Costia was spun round, this time with her back coming to rest against Lexa’s chest. Lexa nuzzled into the warmth of Costia’s neck and she began to speak softly into her ear. Alexandria remembered the words she had whispered, not her own but borrowed from Byron;  
_Maid of Athens, ere we part,_  
_Give, oh, give me back my heart!_  
_Or, since that has left my breast,_  
_Keep it now, and take the rest!_  
_Hear my vow before I go,_  
_Zoe mou, sas agapo. (My life, I love you)_  
You could see the effect of those words, the hazel eyes closed and a serene smile warmed her features, she brought one arm to cup the face of the woman wooing her with poetic professions. They turned to face one another and their lips met in a passionate kiss.

The spirit watched on, silent as ever, but Alexandria had closed her eyes, as though caught in the same kiss her memories displayed. She recalled how, unlike the poem, they didn’t part that night, all those sweet whisperings had continued as they fell into bed together, and were repeated again in the morning. A morning that broke without one shred of regret.

While the two stayed locked in their first sweet kiss, the mists returned to take them away once more. They gathered from the edges of the room enveloping the guests who still remained in various motions of revelry. The mists moved slow, as though sensing Lexa’s longing to remain, but still they kept creeping towards the lovers dancing. The mists pooled at their feet, so that, for a brief moment it were as though they danced upon clouds neither party seeing anything but the other. All too quickly though they became merely a hazy outline until they too were completely enveloped, and the two observers were left alone.  
They kept the silent contemplation for many minutes, Alexandria couldn’t be sure how much time had passed, she was caught in that moment, in that brief experience of joy and hope. She had not thought about that night for many years now, she knew all to well why she chose to forget it. For all the joy that she had found that night, and those months following, they would always end in the same place, a place she could not bear to go.  
“There was another Christmas with that young woman?”  
The spirit spoke with an innocence that made the brunette feel bitterness rising within her, for the ghost knew where they were headed next, though its voice still rose in a question.  
“Please.” Lexa croaked her voice breaking, tears already forming in the corners of her eyes. “Please don’t take me there, please, don’t make me see it again.”


	7. Bitter Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so guys, this is definitely the hardest chapter I've written so far, I'm really worried that it won't be enough and it won't really work. Not. Feeling. Confident. At. All.  
> I was also concerned that it could easily become this empty dialogue (she said then she said) and though obviously with the context it is by nature dialogue driven I wanted more than that...but i'm not entirely convinced. I wanted to try and tie Nia in somehow, but again I'm worried it might seem forced.
> 
> So if you think this works, great, let me know, if you think it doesn't work, what would you have done differently? Have you noticed I might be a little worried? Still I really didn't want to get stuck on this chapter and then just hold up the rest of the proceedings, if I need to come back and make changes when there's a complete story then so be it. Actually saying that, I know i'm going to have to edit Chapter 2, there's something I've decided that I need to lay the groundwork for, I've not done it yet but I will let you know when I do so you guys can play spot the difference! 
> 
> Hope it's not awful, thanks guys who've given Kudos and commented, it makes me slightly less worried...

Chapter 7 

Alexandria had got quite used to these mists that kept swallowing her up. What she had suspected the first time she'd walked through them she now became quite certain of. These were the mists of her past and the faint whisperings were it's way of calling to her trying to make her remember things long forgotten. Yet in this place, nothing could be distinguished, nothing could quite reach her, the memories were close yet inaccessible. She knew the time they were walking to, and she had no wish to go there. Actually, she dreaded that memory with such ferocity that she wondered if she might somehow be able to lose herself in the mists, to stay in this nowhere forever. The spirit still had a tight grip on her wrist, leading her onward. What if she were to break that grip, without the contact of her guide might she be left here in the murkiness of half-remembrance.  
“Your past is what it is, there can be no changing it. To fear what is past blinds you to the hope that lies in your future.”  
Lexa did not consider how the spirit had known her thoughts, but she did ponder the words that had been spoken. Was there truly hope for her future? Could stepping into her most painful memory really change her present misery. She was unconvinced, yet, despite this, some of the spirit's words rang true. She did fear the past, in fact it terrified her. 

Regardless of how much she was afraid, the arrival was inevitable and, far too soon, she found herself within the woods.

She had chosen the woods specially. Alexandria had always found herself at home in nature, as a girl she was always scampering up trees, swinging into rivers and streams. She had spent summers catching and cataloguing wildlife, out from first light and back home well after sunset. She was used to building fires and cooking food, for a long time it felt unnatural to her to be trapped inside buildings and offices hunched at desks and staring at screens.  
Costia did not have quite the same passion for the wilderness, but together they had found mutual delight in long hikes into the green. Lexa, as always spent these times reciting her favourite poems or retelling classic stories. But even when they walked in silence she never felt alone. Costia had brought her to life, she had given meaning to the words in the pages of her books, and as Alexandria now surveyed her younger self she could see that lust for life within her. She looked at herself and saw the beauty that love had conjured in her features. For the first time in this journey into her past she saw herself as she longed to be, happy. 

The woods were not the usual deep shades of green but instead Lexa led her lover through a sparkling white world. Blanketed by snow which slightly dulled the usual noises of nature, in a quiet reverence for the season. It was a perfect scene, as it was only midday the sun still lit the sky, and flooded through the trees. The sun set the snow and ice to sparkle, like everywhere you looked was covered in precious stones. The young green-eyed lover led her lady through the wintry wood to reach a special clearing.  
“Sit here Cos, I've made us a campfire  
There was a large campfire crackling away in the centre of the glade. A tripod placed above it housed a now boiling kettle, clearly, the young Miss Woods had been here quite a bit earlier. The two sat upon a log positioned close to the fire so they were comfortably warmed by its generous heat. 

Lexa and the spirit stood near the edge of the trees. The brunette seemed more comfortable watching herself with a certain remoteness never really getting too close. The spirit beckoned her to follow her closer to sit by that same fire on that same log, near enough to catch every word spoken between the couple. Lexa hardened her body, physically resisting the move forwards. But she pushed past it, well aware that the spirit was able to take her wherever it may choose.  
Sat beside the fire she became suddenly aware that she felt non of its heat. She had not regarded before, how, even in her night clothes and slippers she'd never been aware of the cold. It was only as she gazed into the hot embers of the fire, and saw the flicker of flame that she was puzzled at feeling nothing. All this time, in all these memories, she merely observed, like viewing a picture from the inside.

Costia was quiet as Lexa waited upon her. The kettle was filled with a wonderfully spiced mulled wine, the ruby red liquid sloshed into mugs and warmed the two women. Lexa hummed in pleasure as she took her first sips and she gazed over at Costia. The same look they’d seen at the party before, but deeper, like the intervening months had crystallised those initial feelings into something infinitely more beautiful. The now older woman had the benefit of experience, and hindsight, to her now it was obvious how guarded Costia’s expressions were. At the time however she was blissfully unaware, and she looked with sorrow at the love in her young eyes and the excitement crackling in her movements, mirroring the fire in front of her.  
Lexa moved towards the fire with a large stick and dislodged some silver packages from amongst the smouldering wood. She carefully unwrapped them and laid the contents onto plates. An unabashedly smug grin pulled at the corners of her lips. The meal was simple, vegetables and sea bass roasted together in the foil parcel, but few would think to do it, and the smell was amazing. Clearly Lexa had put a lot of thought into this winter picnic. Both of the women obviously enjoyed the food, but still not many words passed between them. The young brunette finished her food first and for the first time she began to look a little bit nervous. She took a deep shaky breath and then began to speak.  
“Costia, there is something I’ve really wanted to talk to you about.” She finished her sentence with a sweet smile, and looked longingly into those Hazel eyes.  
“Actually Lexa, I’ve had something, for a while now that I need to let you know about.”  
Lexa began to grin, as though hearing those words from Costia had settled something within her.  
“Well babe, I was first, so you might have to wait your turn.” She winked flirtatiously and her girlfriend.

At hearing this encounter Alexandria’s whole body tensed, and she turned her head to look away shaking it as she did so.  
“I can’t believe I was such a fool, it was all so obvious and yet a missed it. I deserve this, for being so stupid, so unaware. Look at me, it’s pathetic." She spat the last words, filled with self-loathing. She wasn’t talking to the spirit, though that was the only one present who could hear. She was merely saying it to the world, because she couldn’t help herself. In that moment, seeing it unfold made her feel sick with herself. The spirit did not respond, possibly understanding that there was no need, that the words were not meant for anyone else. 

“Actually Lexa, I really think I need to say this first, I really think you need to hear this.” Costia’s eyes were filled with sympathy, even though the recipient was completely unaware of it.  
“You know I can never say no to you my love.” Stupid grin still plastering her face.  
“Lexa, I’m moving away.”  
Stupid smile slid from her face, which was now the perfect picture of shock. It was painfully obvious that she had no idea that the conversation was going to take this turn.  
“What do you mean? Where are you going?”  
“I’m going to be headed north, not entirely sure where yet.”  
“North? Your family aren’t that way, I don’t get it, you’ve never mentioned a particular desire for even harsher winters and being a plane ride away from your family?” You could see the thoughts running through Lexa’s head as she was trying to rationalise what was happening, clearly struggling.  
“It’s for work Lexa, I’ve had a really good job offer.”  
“Oh, for work, yeah I guess I understand that, I know I work hard to, I can hardly blame you for that.” A small smile had returned to her face, but it did not reach those green eyes which still looked wild and desperate. “So what’s the job? Congratulations obviously.” With the words of congratulations she opened her arms offering an embrace.  
Costia ignored the intimate gesture, she looked away from Lexa’s face, eyes turned to the ground. “It’s a management position in _Venture Azgeda_ , I never expected to have this kind of opportunity”  
“Wow, that’s, that’s, so great. I didn’t know you were thinking towards management and stuff...that’s, so, great.. _Venture Azgeda_ that is Nia’s company isn’t it?”  
“Yeah it is owned by Ms Quinn. I met her when she came to talk to Titus about merging, she invited me to dinner and we got to talking.”

As this conversation had begun, and progressed it seemed as if the Alexandria had displayed every possible expression of despair and sadness, she hated watching herself in this moment and she was even more overwhelmed experiencing it this second time. However all that despair fell away at the mention of Nia Quinn, her face hardened, her eyes turned hard as steel. One side of her lip began to turn up into a terrifying scowl and her jaw tensed harshly. She’d had plenty of time to think about these events in the intervening years and was pretty certain what had happened.  
Nia had wanted to partner with Titus, in many respects they had very similar aims and it would have made a lot of sense. It looked likely that it would go ahead, but then came Alexandria. She had made a name for herself trading as a stockbroker, she worked harder than anyone, she broke records, she seemed to have an almost unnatural ability to know which companies to invest in and which to steer clear of, she was making lots of money for lots of very influential people. Titus had been watching her for a while. He was tipped off to watch her progress by Alexandria’s former headmistress who he knew very well and had much respect for. He had tried unsuccessfully to get Lexa to come and work for him, but had been completely unsuccessful. Alexandria had a lot of freedom in her work, which she greatly appreciated. She knew the type of business that Titus was involved in, quite frankly she wasn’t sure they were compatible. In one of their meetings she had casually mentioned the rumoured merger with _Venture Azgeda_ and not in a particularly favourable way.  
It was unlike Miss Woods to speak ill of potential business partners, but she had warned Titus that she thought some of Nia’s dealings looked too good to be true, and that, if they looked to good to be true, then they probably were. She hadn’t intended for anything to come from the offered advice. But when she had another meeting with Titus, the merger was off the table and he instead offered her a position as equal partner in his company.  
It was concurrent with these events that Nia had befriended Costia, operating as a mentor to the young impressionable woman. Lexa now assumed that her initial interest in Costia was to see if she could tell her anything she did not already know about the Miss Woods who was having such an influence in Titus’ affairs. She assumed that what followed however, was just pure spite.

“I didn’t realise you even knew Nia, sounds like you’ve been talking for some time. Why didn’t you talk to me before about this great opportunity?”  
Costia looked to Lexa and shuffled slightly on the log, as if to get comfortable. “Well, to be honest, you’ve been really busy lately, I didn’t know if anything would come of it. Even Nia agreed that it would probably better if I kept it quiet while she saw what was feasible.”  
The conversation between the two women was clearly becoming more uncomfortable and guards were being raised by both parties, never quite saying everything that was on their minds, but rather, carefully editing each sentiment before they expressed it. Lexa tried again to smile at Costia.  
“Look, baby, I’m really proud of you, you know I always am. If this is something that you feel you need to do, then of course I’ll support you. Yeah, it’s going to be different long distance, but my talents, i’m sure, can be put to good use, even if it is over the phone.” Lexa raised an eyebrow suggestively, and again moved towards Costia, her hands reaching for her thighs.  
At this movement Costia stop wriggling and jumped up from her seat, backing away from Lexa. “Lexa, I don’t think, I’m not really sure that it will work out quite like that.”  
“What do you mean Costia?”  
“Look, you’ve been working really hard with Titus lately, and I’m going to be working really hard too in this new role, I was talking with Nia about it and she thinks it might be better not to have that kind of pressure, keeping up a long distance thing I mean, especially just starting out in a new place.  
You could literally see something snap in Lexa, the change was so dramatic all her softness melted like the snow before their campfire.  
“NIA THINKS WE SHOULD HAVE BREAK? What the hell Costia, why would you talk to her about something like that? Why would she have anything to do with our fucking lives? You’ve got to be kidding me right now, this has to be some sort of joke, Costia, please tell me you’re joking about this?”  
“Lexa, don’t shout. Calm down. Look Nia and I have become good friends, really, she is just trying to look out for me, actually she is trying to look out for you too. You’re so focused on work, it’s basically all you do. You don’t need me distracting you from achieving all the things you want. I don’t want to be the reason you don’t accomplish all those things you want to do.”  
These words did placate Lexa, they offered some hope that perhaps this was just some misunderstanding. If Costia really thought this was best for Lexa, she just needed to explain otherwise.  
“Baby, I know I’ve been working hard, I know I’ve not been as attentive as I ought to be, I mean, well, that’s what today has been about, getting back to just me and you. As it ought to be. I’ve been so focused because this partnership is a really big step, and I’d wanted to make sure that the deposit was all sorted. I mean, the townhouse, I needed a lot of disposable for the deposit. But, well you loved it, didn’t you, you were coming with me? It's going to be our place.”  
Costia again looked to the ground, her face became flushed and she played with her hair in the tips of her fingers, guiltily. “I know, I love the house, I know we picked it out together, but, that is all your stuff really, I mean, It’s all your success. Nia pointed out that I don’t just want to be some kept woman, I do have to have my own life.”  
“I swear, if that bitch’s name comes up again... Don’t you see what she is doing? Can’t you see she is just trying to come between us? This is because she hates me, she hates me because she was going to partner with Titus. Honestly Costia how can you not get that she’s offering you this job just to spite me.”  
The choice of words could not have been worse and the usually mild hazel eyes flashed angrily. There was no turning back after these words had been spoken.

The spirit still said nothing and this irked Lexa, it felt to her as though it were silently judging her most painful memory. But neither looked away as the two women before them became increasingly hostile towards one another, voices raised and angry unfeeling words passed between both of them. It wouldn’t be fair to record here what was said between the lovers, it would not do justice to either party. The emotion of the situation eroded their restraint and anger spurred them to utter many words that weren’t truly meant. Alexandria felt nauseated by the scenes, by her own lack of self control. She was getting more and more despondent when the spirit offered its only words within that glade.  
“You kept the ring?”  
It were as though she knew just how to hurt her, the perfect words to make her self-contempt complete. She answered through gritted teeth.  
“Yes, I kept it, at first for hope, and now to remind me, to never be so foolish again. I have seen enough now, I will wander no more through these accursed memories”

Alexandria turned to leave, but her head and heart were still racing. In this glade was another Christmas parting, another loss of someone she loved, it seemed Christmas had always been, for her, a time more of goodbyes than welcomes. None had injured her heart more than Costia's rejection and disappearance. She had spent the first months of their parting in desperate grief, she wrote many letters. Letters she looked upon now with bitterness for they showed her weakness. She received no reply to any, no indication that they were ever read or even received. Just as she had opened their relationship with words of another she closed in the same manner, borrowing Emily Dickinson's beautiful prose.  
_Proud of my broken heart, since thou didst break it,_  
_Proud of the pain I did not feel til thee,_  
_Proud of my night, since thou with moons dost slake it,_  
_Not to partake thy passion, my humility._  
She did not believe those words any longer, now ashamed of the feelings she'd harbored. But as she remembered herself pouring her soul onto paper, she thought, perhaps, she might like to feel so alive again.


	8. The Ghost of Christmas Present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm hoping this chapter is a little lighter than the last. Letting Lexa experience some good things on her journey.
> 
> I'm really conscious that actually there isn't very much Clarke, though I at least managed to mention her in this chapter and I'm hoping to carry that on if I can. Obviously we will be seeing Clarke in a chapter soon and catching up with how this Christmas is shaping up for her. But do let me know if you feel you've been miss-sold, that I've captured your attention with their relationship and now left you without...
> 
> The next chapter will at least have more interactions with characters that we are familiar with, and hopefully that will be fun to read.
> 
> As always thanks for the Kudos, and please, if you have any time at all to leave a quick comment (guests you don't have to create an account) it really does make my day to read them and know that people are actually enjoying this journey.
> 
> Christmas is getting nearer!!

Chapter 8

Darkness surrounded her, from brightness of the glade to the pitch darkness of the night. The darkness felt familiar though, she became dimly aware of her other senses, the softness of brushed cotton, a smell which was fresh and clean, the combination made her feel drowsy. She slowly realised where this particular darkness was, her home, her bed. The spirit had offered no words of parting, no sudden wisdom, nor final resolution. She had merely been in that clearing one moment, and then the next she was here, here, alone.  
Her eyes gradually became accustomed to the dark, and she could make out the familiarity of her shadowy bedroom. As if by habit she slowly inspected the room around her, half expecting that glowing childlike figure to appear once more. She was truly alone though.  
She thought about moving, but her body ached. The sweet smell of her bed made it difficult to move, so she shimmied herself beneath the duvet. As sleep overwhelmed her, so did unspent tears. Emotions had so exhausted her she was no longer aware of what she felt, all the grief, anger, loneliness, disappointment, confusion, sadness, and hurt mingled together into a ball in her stomach. It settled just beneath her consciousness and lay there undisturbed. These half-felt emotions were what caused her eyes to dampen her pillow even as she drifted to sleep.

Again she awoke without any aid, again with the same peculiar alertness, she felt as though whatever sleep she had managed was enough, she felt restored, rejuvenated. Though she felt her pillow still damp beneathher, gone for now were the feelings which had caused those many tears. Perhaps those feelings had flowed out from her body carried away from her soul as she cried in her sleep.  
What time was it? Surely it must be early morning by now, but Titus had definitely indicated that there would be more than one extra visitor. How long had the trips into her past taken her? It felt as though she had been away many hours, that when she returned it ought to have been light already, but it had not been. She assumed that the same sort of magic which had powered the journey into her past had also altered the passage of time, so that this night was stretching out in order that all the necessary work might be done.  
The clock chimed again, and she was more perplexed than ever to read in the face of the clock 1:00 am she knew somehow instinctively that it was not a whole day later, but that she was awaking instead at the very same moment that the ghost had appeared before.

What should she expect? She really had no idea. She had never given much thought to the different possible forms of spectral apparitions, indeed before tonight she would have put herself firmly in the, don't believe in the supernatural, but now, well, unless she has completely lost her mind, she has to believe. Still having never considered the subject before she couldn't decide what to expect. Titus bore no resemblance to the spirit who she'd journeyed into her past with, would this next spirit be the same, or would she be seeing another wonder of the otherworldly?

The clock had finished ringing, she anticipated an arrival at any moment. The last ghost had surprised her, but she would be ready this time. Minutes went by, and yet nothing had appeared. 5 minutes past, she got up from her seated position on the edge of her bed. She idly wandered to the window and peered out into the road. The street was empty as was expected at 1:00 am, well actually it was 1:10 now. Where was this ghost? Why hadn't it appeared yet? She stopped surveying the abandoned street and turned her attention inside once more. Was it her imagination, or could she hear music coming from her living room? She made her way to the door and pushed it open. In the hall she became certain, there definitely was something happening downstairs. Testament to the strangeness of her night thus far, Lexa did not for one moment consider it might be intruders. She went downstairs without a shred of fear, only an eagerness to satisfy the curiosity growing within her.

Her living room was not remotely like she had left it. That morning it has been virtually empty, all it contained was her couch, armchairs and a small bookshelf containing the literature she so used to love. There wasn't even a television, for she never had time to waste with things like that. She remembered exactly how it should look, mainly because there was so little to actually remember.

The room was now very much fuller. Laid upon her brown leather furniture were cushions of various designs, all somehow featuring Christmas. Paper chains were hung along every inch of wall, in reds, golds and greens, simple yet playfully festive. On one wall, underneath the chains was a bunting banner which read _Merry Christmas_. The fireplace too, which had been the focal point of the room, was now adorned with a great green garland. Decorating the garland were bows, baubles, stars and ribbons. And beneath the garland hung from the mantle was an emerald stocking with a white trim, emblazoned with her name. There was a small fire lit in the woodburner, you could hear the gentle sounds of it crackling with life.  
In the far corner of the room taking up an extraordinary amount of space was a glorious blue spruce. The tree filled the height of the room and its width was equally impressive. It was decorated with such and array of colourful ornaments and tinsels that there was barely a space left upon it. Twinkling beneath the ornaments were golden lights which flashed in various different patterns. Briefly lighting the different baubles and trinkets as if giving each a chance at centre stage. Atop the tree there was a large golden star, with silver detailings, it was lit from within and stood out even amidst the clutter of so many pretty things.  
Underneath the tree were perfectly wrapped parcels, a multitude of different colours. They were all festooned with ribbon and bows, with little name tags tucked underneath each bow. There were so many gifts that Lexa was unable to guess their number, and they came in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Lexa was oddly warmed by the sight of her home, it felt lived in, and welcoming. She had never bothered with decorations herself, never having even purchased a tree or a Christmas wreath. She was surprised by the strength of her feelings, she never would have expected to care about such things. Yet seeing it in this manner did awaken in her a memory, when she first bought the house, a memory of hope that this would become for her a home, a home like she'd not had since losing her parents. She'd long forgotten she had such wishes, but it made her happy to think about the possibility, that she could build more here than she already had.

“Come in, let's get to know one another!” A voice boomed out of the room. Lexa was startled because there emerging from behind the tree was a giant of a spirit.  
Her green eyes widened in shock, how you could miss this presence in the room was incomprehensible, they were almost as tall as the room itself (which had beautiful vaulted ceilings). Though the tree was large and very impressive there is no way it could have concealed this figure.  
It wore a red tunic and pants which was detailed with golden thread. Draped over its shoulders and flowing around it’s legs was a thick green cloak, this too had swirled golden designs across its surface. Solid gold fastenings secured the cloak beneath the chin. Alexandria had never seen a face so full of character. Skin, beautiful and clear in rich dark brown which seemed to become bronzed at smiling cheeks. Eyes the darkest she had ever seen twinkled with humor and life. Beautiful teeth lined a mouth which spread the entirety of the large face. The face was framed with beautiful locks of black hair in tight curls like every aspect of this spirit bristled with life and energy.  
“Come sit beside me friend.”  
The voice rang out like the chorusing of church bells, bright and beckoning, calling you in, ignoring the words was impossible they pulled you inexorably towards the one who’d uttered them. This voice could not have been more different from the first spirit, as unknowable and ineffable as was the first, this voice was real and grounded it was so very human, yet elevated in its humanity. It were as if this voice was more true, more pure, as if it were more genuine than any she had ever heard. In spite of herself Lexa began to smile, it was the only possible response to the form before her.

Lexa sat beside this enormous presence, having yet been unable to speak a word. As she became close, she could feel the physical warmth emanating from the spirit, it enveloped her, like plunging into a warm bath. She couldn’t keep herself from staring, and she seemed to have been struck completely dumb by the scene.  
“I am the ghost of Christmas present” Another beaming smile accompanied the words.  
Lexa realised that the the voice was not just pleasing to the ears, but it sent joy bubbling up in her chest, excitement tingling across her skin.  
“I’ve never met anyone quite like you before” Lexa stammered, she thought she was actually quite annoyed with herself, for her complete lack of composure. Yet the annoyance never made it from her head to her heart, which was still bustling with that unusual feeling of anticipation.  
“Really? How very odd. You know, one such as me comes every year, how is it that you have not crossed paths with one who has come before?”  
“How many have come like you?” Alexandria seemed not to have understood the implications of the spirit’s words. The spirit responded with an uproarious laugh which filled the entire room with its rich melody.  
“There have been over two thousand of my siblings.”  
“What a large family you have, I myself never had any brothers or sisters, I cannot imagine what that must be like.”  
“Well you wouldn’t believe the que for the bathroom of a morning!” Again that deep throated chuckle sounded, the spirit’s eyes twinkled with glee at its own joke.  
Lexa joined with the laughing, there was no one to observe how it transformed her features. Yet if there had been, they would have remarked on the beauty that it brought to her face.

The brunette was now regaining some of her usual composure, the feeling of mirth still warmed her belly, but her head was less foggy and overwhelmed and she could think clearly to engage the spirit in conversation.  
“I wasn’t very prepared for the first spirit, I’m afraid it showed me things I was not quite ready to see, but I know I was taught a great deal. I am ready and willing to learn from you whatever lessons you have.”  
It seemed that this ghost could not speak without a mirthful laugh, as though it were constantly clearing its throat from excess joy. “Well come on then my friend, for I have so much that I want to show you.”

The spirit rose from the couch, and Lexa was surprised again by its size, it did not take her hand, like the ghost of the past, instead it offered its own to her allowing the woman to choose if not to take the offer. She did not hesitate however, she was eager to be led, and when a warm hand closed around hers she felt once more like a child. This was less because of their difference in size, though the spirit did indeed dwarf her like a parent standing over a child. However it was how the grip made her feel that truly made her feel small once more, she felt safe and comforted. The spirit, for all its power was soft and graceful, it led Alexandria out of her house and into the street.

She was expecting that same deserted street that she had peered upon from her window not half an hour before, but that was not what she found. The street was shining with the rise of the sun, it was Christmas morning. She had not regarded before, the way that lights had been hung between the lampposts, or how beautifully decorated the houses beside her own were. But now she noticed, how much her house stood out with its lack of decor.  
Some houses were quite frankly ridiculous, inflatable snowmen and Santas littering the frontage. LED lights making all sorts of shapes, the most strange being one that was lit in such a way that it made it seem as though Father Christmas was climbing a ladder up the side of the building. _MERRY CHRISTMAS_ written in many different colours was an extremely common feature on the buildings they passed. Lexa smirked at some of the houses, which took the decorations to outlandish proportions, she couldn’t help herself thinking, _imagine their electricity bills by the end of the month._ There were however many houses which were decorated more to her taste. Bright white lights hung like icicles, trees were lit in multicolour. Doors were swathed in ribbon and bows as though wrapped like a gifts, or they were hung with various types of wreaths. It looked magical, Lexa wondered how she could see all these lights so clearly in the morning sun when she had completely missed their presence walking through the dark, in the many nights leading up to this day. She suspected she had been awoken to their presence, and now awake she couldn’t stop seeing how Christmas was welcomed in all around her.

Few people were out on this special morning, but all those that they encountered smiled warmly and waved at them. Nobody seem perturbed by the enormous ghost that strode beside her, quite the opposite they returned the smiles, waves, and festive greetings that the ghost offered. The spirit's joy was infectious and more imposing than its physical stature.  
“Don’t you love how much happier people are at Christmas time?”  
Alexandria could not honestly say that she had ever noticed this at all, though she suspected these wonderful new feelings she experienced upon meeting the ghost were those same feelings of happiness.  
“I’m afraid, perhaps I’ve never really understood what Christmas was all about.”  
“Well, there is still time to learn.”  
The ghost gestured with one arm towards a window, wherein you could see a family gathered, two Fathers sat watching their children as they tore excitedly at their gifts, the wonder and awe in the parents eyes matching that of the children, enamoured with their presents. The children giggled with glee and flung their arms around Dad’s neck laying excited kisses on his cheek and brandishing the toy that they loved so much. It was an intimate scene, yet Lexa didn’t feel awkward for having witnessed it. She felt that strange longing return to her once more, as she saw this family’s happiness. She was unable to discern whether that longing was for what she wished she could have had, or whether it was a wish for something in her future, but she felt that ache regardless.  
They witnessed many other such scenes as they walked through the streets, Mothers and Fathers, Grandparents, siblings and neighbours, lovers and friends. Every encounter was different and yet all of them shared that love and joy. Lexa was almost embarrassed that in all her years she had managed to miss such strength of feeling, such a prevalence of goodwill. How could she have been so blind to it all?

“Is it always so happy?” She asked her guide, almost naively.  
For the first time in their acquaintance the smile on that generous face faltered.  
“No, there is still great unhappiness at this time too. An unhappiness caused mainly by others greed and selfishness. There are many in need, and yet still there are those who would take from them what little comfort they have. I wish all were happy in my time, but it is not true.”  
Lexa felt her stomach roll slightly with guilt. For the first time she considered the faces of those families that she had separated this Christmas. Well actually, she imagined their faces, because she never had made the time to meet with any of them. Her mind conjured an image of blue eyes, eyes filled with empathy for those families. She remembered those beautiful lips forming an eloquent plea to spare those families the pain she was inflicting. Clarke knew them, Clarke cared for their pain, she submerged herself in their lives and gave all that she had within her to their aid. Lexa felt her esteem for that endlessly caring woman grow to even greater heights.  
Lexa spoke no further words, still silently admonishing herself for the pain which she knew she ought to have prevented. The two walked together, her silently, the spirit still sending loud and enthusiastic greetings to anybody around to hear them. 

When they finally stopped their journey she found that she recognised their location. Standing before a bright red door which had a simple twine star hung upon it. Lexa smiled at the simple, elegant decoration. She knew the hands that had made it, they were large and rough, not ones you’d expect to be able to create such delicate beauty. They were at Gustus’ front door, Lexa knew she would also find Anya inside, she was a little giddy to see her friend enjoying those Christmas morning joys. They entered the house.


	9. Christmas Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, these chapters are quite fun to write, hopefully my enjoyment comes across in the tone.
> 
> I should have mentioned already but I did slightly edit the opening chapter, just to flesh out Raven and Clarke's relationship a little. It felt as though I'd be dropping lots of exposition in one place if I didn't revise it. 
> 
> Let me know if you think anything ought to happen, or was out of character. 
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments.

Chapter 9

Lexa didn’t stop to consider how they could walk into a house completely unannounced and not elicit some very shocked responses. As they had walked hand in hand through the streets people definitely had been aware of their presence, returning the joyful greetings they gave with ones of their own. But now it seemed that things were very much as they were in her memories, they were only half there, seeing but yet unseen.

Lexa loved Gustus’ house, Anya had moved out some years earlier to her own little apartment. Alexandria had considered asking her to come and live with her, obviously she had the space, but something had stopped her, instead desiring to keep some distance with her friend. The brunette knew all too well that if they had been at Anya’s place, well let’s say the decorations would have been...less tasteful. It wasn’t just Christmas ties that Anya enjoyed, she seemed to relish all the tackiest things Christmas offered. Anya was quite perplexing, she could be extremely cold and inplackable, she certainly was not easy to get to know. Yet if you were so fortunate to gain access to her life you were met with an almost entirely different person. Lexa appreciated her love of the absurd, the very pajamas she wore currently were a testament to that fact. There is no way she would have chosen them, and if most had bought them she'd have left them untouched in her drawers. For Anya though, Lexa allowed herself to be softer, submitted to being quite often ridiculed, albeit good humoredly. 

Gustus’ didn’t share his daughters love for Christmas tack as evidenced by the beautiful door hanging. He was a very simple man and his house reflected his tastes. The house was decorated by nature, garlands hung with cinnamon sticks, berries dried oranges and pine cones. Wreaths of holly and ivy, wooden sculptures obviously whittled by his own hands. With all of the great outdoors brought inside the smell was undeniably gorgeous, like you were wandering in the woods rather than cooped up in a bustling suburb. Lexa and Gustus had bonded over their shared love of the great outdoors. They had shared long hikes, even the occasional camping trip over the years. Anya joined them, of course, she was equally as proficient outdoors, even if it didn’t translate to her choice of home furnishings. The three of them had their best conversations by the light of the stars and warmed by a well-built campfire. These were times when they connected best, probably due to the lack of another, who had always made their meetings a little more difficult.  
Gustus’ second wife was a mystery, certainly a beautiful woman, blonde and curvaceous with ample lips and dazzling eyes. However, there didn’t seem to be much else to recommend her, she was mean of understanding and had very little empathy. Lexa privately agreed with Anya, that she wasn’t sure how the connection had come about. Still, Gustus seemed happy with her and that was truly enough for both the young women, he deserved them tolerating her because of how wonderful he was.

The two people who held most of Lexa’s affection, were together in the kitchen. They were sat at the breakfast bar whilst breakfast was being prepared for them.  
“MMmmm, Dad, Mel does make good pancakes I will give her that.”  
Gustus turned and looked at his wife who was checking on the bacon under the grill.  
“Darling you make the most wonderful breakfast, we can’t wait, honestly my stomach is rumbling. I promise i’ll try my best to make Christmas lunch half as good.”  
His wife did not say anything in return, apparently busying herself with the final preparations to be able to talk at that moment.  
“Come on kiddo, let’s set the table.”  
“Dad, seriously you need to stop calling me Kiddo, I turned 32 this year!”  
Gustus laughed and grasped his daughter’s shoulder, “you will never stop being my little girl.”

They made their way over to the table and began laying out the cutlery, place mats, glasses and all the other accompaniments they would need for their large breakfast. Anya retrieved a package from one of her bags which were piled by the door to the kitchen.  
“Can’t forget the Christmas Crackers!”  
“I thought the Christmas Crackers were for lunch?” Gustus asked, looking very confused, but mildly amused.  
“Yeah I’ve got some for lunch too, you can’t have enough Christmas Crackers, literally I wait all year for the opportunity to have them, I’m not going to confine myself to just the one meal!”  
Gustus just shook his head at his daughter stifling anymore laughter. They finished setting the table and then took their places, they knew that the food would be arriving soon.  
“So...when do I get to meet the person whose put such a special glint in my daughter’s eyes? I was hoping you would've come together.”  
Anya became slightly more tense than before, as though this subject was not one she was totally confident discussing.  
“This afternoon, too busy this morning to come for breakfast, sorry Dad you’ll just have to wait a little longer.”  
She finished her response as quickly as possible, though apparently not quite quickly enough. Mel had sidled into the room, hands full with a tray of pancakes and another full of crispy bacon.  
“Well, I am still not sure about this relationship, if you ask me that Alexandria’s been a bad influence on you, I certainly had very different hopes for you.”

Lexa looked on, quite perplexed by the outburst from Raven’s mother-in-law, she didn’t even know who Anya was seeing, actually the phone call last night was the very first she had heard of it at all. She definitely couldn’t see what the link was between her and the mystery man Anya had spoken of. Still, Melanie Caesar was an idiot who had taken an instant disliking to Alexandria, she probably didn’t need a reason that it was her fault at all.

The little family tried to move past that awkwardness as they all sat round the table, at Anya’s insistence they all grabbed a half of a cracker in each hand thereby all linked together and on Anya’s count they pulled them simultaneously. Three loud snaps sounded and Anya looked very satisfied, she pulled on her purple crown and was very happy when Gustus had landed himself with a lovely crown in pastel pink. Mel left her crown, and nobody commented on her unwillingness to join in.  
“What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?” Anya began with glee.  
“...A Christmas Quacker!” She laughed whilst Gustus merely shook his head at his daughter, "that was awful Anya, I swear I’ve never ever heard a good one."  
“Come on though, what does yours say?”  
“Okay, okay.” Gustus relented. “Why did nobody bid on Comet and Blitzen on Ebay?...because they were two deer.”  
Again Anya burst out laughing, apparently oblivious to how awful the jokes were. She then busied herself with a stupid plastic fish on her hand, apparently looking to the piece of tat to see what it would reveal about her character.

The Ghost of Christmas present had let out huge laughs as the jokes were read, apparently having the same sense of humor as Anya, and delighted at watching the scene unfold. Lexa smiled too, not at the jokes, they were groan inducing. But she enjoyed seeing Anya so happy and at ease. She also could tell how much Gustus was enjoying himself, even if he sent occasional glances sideways at his wife, as though he wished she might join in more.

“So, I know I’ve got one more to prepare dinner for, and believe me I’m very excited at that prospect, but...what about Lexa? Did you manage to twist her arm, Kiddo?”  
Anya’s face darkened slightly, and Lexa knew it was her fault, she was obviously recalling their conversation.  
“Yeah, no, I don’t think that’s going to happen Dad...she, she didn’t seem very interested in coming at all, even when I mentioned the extra reason.”  
You could see the look of disappointment cloud Anya’s face, and another pang of guilt filled Alexandria’s stomach.  
“Oh thank God for that.” Melanie had decided to join the conversation again. “God forbid she came again, I mean I know it was a long time ago, but do you remember the last time she came, it was awful, I’m sorry for the both of you I know she’s somewhat of a project of yours, but let’s be clear that girl is broken beyond fixing, always has been.”  
Anya’s eyes burned bright with rage and her jaw clenched, “Yeah I remember when she came, that’s when you brought up her dead parents, even when we’d told you multiple times about the car accident.” There was venom in her words.  
“Oh darling, when will you let that go? It was a mistake, and she was odd long before I mentioned that.”  
“It didn’t stop you mentioning it again though did it? I mean you literally would not let it go, you know that’s the reason she’s not ever come back for Christmas.”  
“Sounds like a happy result from my mistake then... anyway the last thing you need is her approval of your current...dalliance. I’m still crossing my fingers it’ll fizzle out.”  
“ENOUGH!”  
Gustus was a man of few words, but when he spoke, you listened. Anya stopped immediately and looked to her plate of food. She began adding maple syrup to her pancakes and filling her plate with the smoked bacon.

Lexa’s guilt had not abated whilst watching the argument unfold, she had no idea that she was such a source of tension in that household. Anya had displayed such fierce loyalty, it made the dismissal of her offer even more unfair. They continued watching as the threesome finished their meal, definitely more subdued than earlier. When they had finished eating Mel got up again and began clearing the plates, the two at the table visibly relaxed when she left them alone once more.  
Gustus winked at his daughter, his face smiling once more.  
“Hey Kiddo, she’ll come around, I know she’s said she won’t, but Lexa is a great girl, underneath all those rough edges. She will want to be there for you, I just know it.” Anya returned his smile, clearly his words gave her all the comfort she needed, she reached across the table to where her step-mother had sat.  
“Waste not, want not...Who's Rudolph’s favourite singer….Beyon-sleigh...Ha HA HAA”  
And with that Anya, and the ghost beside Lexa were in fits of laughter once more.

With that they left this family breakfast, and this time they didn’t walk but merely found the scenery changing around them. It was startlingly different than the home they had just left, but Lexa knew immediately where they were. She found herself back in that hospital, the one that had been playing on her mind since the spirit’s words to her as they walked through the streets.  
It was busy as always, Christmas made very little difference in this place, still so much to be done, and not enough people to do it. Alexandria looked around furtively, knowing who it was she was searching out. Her heart skipped a beat when it found that beautiful golden hair, tied in a messy bun. Clarke was reading patient’s notes leaning against a reception desk she rested her head in one hand whilst the other was twirling a biro between long fingers. The way she held herself revealed her graceful neck, and the sight of it made Lexa feel more flushed than ever, her heart now beating much more quickly than before.

“Clarke!”  
The blue eyes looked directly at Lexa, making an uncomfortable longing spread in her stomach. But the eyes travelled through her, beyond her. She turned to follow their gaze and found them trained upon a bright eyed woman who was walking briskly towards her. Lexa had seen this girl hovering around Clarke before, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel a pang of jealousy.  
“Hey Rae! What the hell are you doing here? You know it’s Christmas day right?”  
“What? Christmas Day?” Mock horror spread across her pretty features.  
“You know I woke up this morning, and I knew there was something I was forgetting.”  
“Ha Ha, very funny Raven, as always, you know what I mean though. Surely you’ve got better things to be doing?”  
“I’m literally headed to our parents’ now…” the blonde smiled when her friend claimed her parents as her own “...but it wouldn’t be Christmas if we didn’t exchange gifts first, it’s our tradition!”  
She shoved a shoddily wrapped parcel into Clarke’s hands.  
“Shit, Rae, your gifts at home, I mean I had no idea, look I’ll open this with you when I see you after shift.”  
Raven chuckled with a superior smirk on her face, and she pulled another gift from behind her back. This gift was expertly wrapped it looked almost too good to open.  
“HEY! Where’d you get that?”  
Raven’s laugh grew louder still as she shook the present still in her hands. “Come on Griff! Do you really think that I don’t know all your hiding places? Seriously though how long it take you to wrap all those things, each one is a work of art?”  
Clarke just shook her head at her friend, smiling broadly. She began to carefully take the wrapping off her own gift as Raven roughly ripped her exquisitely wrapped offering. When Clarke finally finished unwrapping she groaned loudly.  
“You’ve got to be kidding me Rae!” She exclaimed cheerfully, holding the box high in exasperation. “Operation, the game?”  
“Yeah, I thought you could use the practice? But thanks for this top, it’s gorgeous.” Raven looked very impressed with herself, which to be fair wasn’t unusual. 

Lexa couldn’t stop herself smiling, she really enjoyed seeing Clarke engage so happily with her friend. She obviously hadn’t spent much time with her, yet every second that revealed more about this woman made Lexa lose her heart that little bit more. She loved how genuinely and generously she smiled. Lexa herself was always so guarded, but the blonde before her wore her heart on her sleeve, allowing all who looked to see who she was. Sometime she and Anya had these kind of free exchanges, but that had become increasingly rare over the last few years, indeed, she had hardly been aware of the way which she was shutting people out. See Clarke opened her eyes to just what sort of person she was becoming. As she thought about the light in those azure eyes that shone as she laughed she pictured those same eyes staring at her in disappointment. Lexa wanted to be better, she wanted to be the kind of person who could hope to be friends with Clarke, be deserving of her esteem.

Clarke and Raven were now walking down the hospital corridors, so they followed closely behind that they may continue to hear the conversation which passed between them. She noticed that the spirit was not right by her side, instead as she walked on, it kept sidling up to beds an gentling touching the heads of patients, in a sincere gesture of comfort. Though the patients didn't see anything, in that moment of embrace you could see a change take place in their faces, each responding slightly differently, but all better for having felt the touch of that Christmas spirit.

“So you've not got much left of your shift have you?” Raven enquired gently.  
“No, to be honest I wasn't going to be in today, but I picked up this morning shift just because I wanted to see how the families were holding up. I finish at 1, then I'll be round at Mum and Dad's.”  
Raven smiled at Clarke, you could tell that she, just like Lexa, was thinking about how unselfishly caring Clarke was. You couldn't help but notice how she lived for others.  
“So how are they all holding up?”  
Clarke thought for a moment before answering. “Honestly, I think they're doing so well, I'm shocked, I thought I was going to have a lot more emotional encounters today, funny how people respond at Christmas. There is only really one person that I am worried about.”  
“Do I know them?”  
“Actually I don't think you do, not even under my care strictly speaking. Her name's Maya and her little girl Amanda has been in a while now. The treatment is going quite well for baby, but Mum doesn't seem...ok.”  
Clarke the proceeded to explain to Raven about the day before, about how little Maya was eating, drinking or sleeping. Also that her husband hadn't appeared when she last saw her that morning, apparently being held up at home.  
“I'm going to see her now actually, I'm sure Mr Jordan will be with her now.”  
“Sounds really tough Clarke, you know I'm still livid about this whole situation though. I know, I won't go on about it. You have that perplexing soft spot for the robot business woman. I'm with your Mum on this one though, you have always been far too distracted by a pretty face.”

Lexa obviously had rather mixed feelings being privy to this particular conversation. She hated being called a robot, mainly because it was not the first time. The guilt had once again returned as she saw how much her decision was hurting people. But...she couldn't help but be really glad that apparently Clarke had some sort of feelings for her. Feelings which apparently were obvious to her friends. Amidst the complex emotions of everything that marked these strange visitations, this potential admiration (even if only physically) offered a spark of hope in Lexa's heart.

Raven was leaning in, to hug Clarke goodbye as she neared the exit of the hospital.  
“Ok Hun, look I'll see you when you get home. But I'm not staying for food, I told you, I'm heading over to the girlfriend's for like 4 o'clock and eating with them.”  
“Yeah great I'll make sure I am back, wouldn't miss you, but I'm getting impatient to meet this woman who's got so much of your attention, is it that Harper? She was sexy.”  
“Unlike you Griff, I don't kiss and tell, maybe it is Harper maybe it's someone else, you know everyone is mad for a bit of this.” Raven pulled her hands down her body in mock flirtation, and with that she disappeared out into the fresh air.

Alexandria would have happily stayed and watched Clarke forever, her glances were getting increasingly irreverent as time wore on. She was more and more aware of the sway of those beautiful hips and ass that looked so fine in hospital scrubs. She was becoming jealous of that very biro that had been twiddled between her fingers and now kept finding its was in between her lips as she sucked it lightly when lost in thought.  
The ghost was not really interested in her revelling in the sight of Miss Griffin, not that it seemed to have noticed her gaze much either.

“Come, we must follow the other one.”  
Lexa allowed the spirit to guide her back towards Raven, who she had no particular interest in following at all. They were soon sat on the back seat of her car. It certainly was an amusing sight for Lexa, the car definitely wasn't big enough to fit the spirit so the scene ended up similarly to a clown car at the circus.  
Raven drove her car erratically, or so Lexa thought. She flung it round corners and went quite a bit above the speed limit, all the while drumming her hands on the steering wheel and crooning along to the radio.

_Room is swaying, records playing_  
_All the old songs, we love to hear_  
_Oh I wish that every day was Christmas_  
_What a nice way to spend the year_

_We're gonna have a party tonight_  
_We're gonna have a party tonight_  
_I'm gonna find my girl underneath the mistletoe_  
_We'll kiss by candlelight._

Raven's phone began to ring, she answered it on her headset and turned off the music.  
“Hey babe, I was just singing a song about you...  
No I'm not heading over just yet I'm swinging by my parents...  
No, no, not the drunkard, the people who actually raised me…  
Ha ha, glad to hear you've had an exciting morning...  
Look I'm almost there so I'm going to have to go, but honestly I can't wait to see you, and just remember I'm bringing dessert…  
Yeah, I don't cook, but you can have me for dessert…  
Ok, you know I love you.”

Raven pulled up outside the Griffin family residence, Lexa was not sure she wanted to go in.


	10. Good time Griffins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another fun chapter to write. Let me know what you think.
> 
> The next chapter will take a little turn, in fact the next few chapters are going to be hard going...perhaps I should not post them over the Christmas days, what do you think guys, shall I leave you to enjoy Christmas without downer chapters?
> 
> Thanks for the encouragement.

Chapter 10

The Griffin's house was the largest house that she had yet visited, she was slightly shocked at how impressive it was. For some reason Clarke just didn't strike her as being overly concerned in material things.  
_Well this isn't actually Clarke's house, it's her parents._ She reminded herself. She had no idea what Clarke's Dad did, but her Mum being chief of medicine meant she really should have expected something like the house that she now surveyed from the street.

It was the most beautiful house on the road, though the others were equally large and expensive. There was a long drive enough for a small party of cars to turn up, it led to a garage building which probably would easily have taken yet another 3. Between the drive and the house itself was a short strip of grass that ran the length of the house, except for where the path led to the front door. The grass itself was bordered by immaculately pruned bushes that stood about 2 foot high. These were decorated with simple white lights, presumably for Christmas. The lawn too had, sat upon it, a few LED deers that were positioned as though they were grazing on the lawn. A few steps led up to the front door, which, like everything else was bigger than she'd have expected. The front porch was also decorated with white lights, as well as green garlands, which matched the large wreath on the door. Upon walking to the house Lexa had counted 13 windows and 2 attic widows as well...it was an absolutely colossal house.

The spirit beside her seemed not to think anything at all about the wealth on display, indeed she noticed how rarely that happy expression changed. All the time grinning and taking in the sights, enjoying everything for what it was, never appearing to offer judgement. They followed Raven as she approached the door, for which she apparently had a key, she let herself in and they followed. 

If the outside was impressive, it was nothing to the inside, this really was a beautiful house. It was tastefully decorated both for Christmas and, you could tell, just generally too. There appeared to be nothing out of place, yet it was also quite full.  
The walls were hung with family pictures and what appeared to be souvenirs from many trips to impressive places. The same type of things adorned the shelves. Everywhere you looked it was filled with memories, of places been, of accomplishments achieved, and, perhaps most importantly, the people that had shared in all this life.  
The plentiful photographs particularly interested Alexandria who instantly tried to find the various reproductions of the beautiful Clarke Griffin in all the different stages of her life. She was spoilt for choice, for there were so many pictures with blue eyes and charming smiles. Just as it did in the hospital, Lexa was aware of her own heartbeat speeding up and a warming in her stomach. She indulged her curiosity and gave all her attention to the pictures, she knew these feelings probably shouldn't been given this space, but honestly, she couldn't help herself.  
One photo, showed a Christmas scene, many years into the past. You could see the Christmas tree in the background of the pictures. The subjects of the picture were Clarke, and, Lexa assumed, her Dad. Mr Griffin was laid on the couch his clothing pulled up exposing his chest. While a very small, very cute Clarke listened to his heart. Dressed in a dress up doctor outfit which was clearly too big, obviously one of her gifts that year. Clarke looked seriously as she checked her Dad over, but he had been photographed mid laugh, his mouth hung wide, joy filling his features. Lexa's eyes scanned over the picture, it was such a simple scene, yet it gave her and indescribable warmth.  
Lexa continued surveying as much of the blonde's life as she could make out from the snippets in the house. She was aware of her own feelings growing within her, the rise and fall of her chest becoming more pronounced. This place was so filled with Clarke, and what had begun some months ago as physical attraction and curiosity was becoming so much more. She had an ardent desire to know, and be known by this woman. A desperate hope that perhaps one day their may be pictures of her and Clarke in similar situations. 

“Clarke is that you?” A voice called from somewhere beyond the expansive staircase. Alexandria recognised the voice and stiffened automatically, readying herself for the usual confrontation.  
“No, it's your other more attractive less troublesome daughter.” Raven replied with a smile that Lexa was fast learning to be her trademark.  
Chief Griffin appeared at the top of the stairs, looking completely different than she did in the hospital. She wore very beautiful festive jumper, not the usual novelty fare, but still obviously only worn at Christmas time. With it she had some simple red skinny jeans. All very festive, all very different from the severe woman she was used to encountering. He hair too was loose in curls, not as golden as her daughter's, but you could see the similarity between mother and daughter now she was relaxed and smiling.  
“Oh Raven, stop it.” She said, with a light airy tone. “I thought the two of you would come together from your apartment, save on petrol? Goodness knows neither of you will be fit to drive anywhere later on. Your usual room is ready, towels on the end of the bed.”  
Raven rubbed the back of her neck guiltily, “I'm actually not sure I'll be staying tonight, I'm going to meet _the family_ later on. Depending how it goes…”  
She glanced at Abby who was watching her with an amused grin, “I see. Well, you know it's a double bed up there. If you need it.” She winked at Raven.  
“But where is my troublesome daughter?” She said it with an easy smile, yet there was the tiniest glimmer of friction in her words.  
“You didn't know? She's at the hospital still, took an extra shift, you know what she is like, you can't drag her away.”  
Abby merely nodded, and she moved past Raven through the house into the kitchen. Raven followed behind her chatting about her work in the hospital and the plans she had for improving this machine and that one. Apparently she didn't merely work for the hospital but she had other consultancy jobs where she put her genius in engineering to good use.

They were stood at a large island in the centre of the table, it was already stacked with veg that needed preparing for their lunch.  
“Ok Raven, there are the sprouts, just pull off the outer leaves and then I want you to cross the bottom with the knife.”  
Raven rolled her eyes in exaggerated exasperation. “Seriously, do you have to tell me every year how to prepare the sprouts? Did I not just finishing telling you I'm a genius?”  
Abby shook her head once more, letting Raven's words roll over her.  
“Well, I have found, that you can be a genius in one part of your life and a complete numpty in others.”  
Raven let out a chuckle, “you mean like Clarke and relationships?”  
“Raven! You are determined to get a rise from me today, aren't you?”

Lexa wasn't particularly pleased with their topic of conversation. In spite of that though she still enjoyed seeing the back and forth between these women. Lexa had gathered that Raven wasn't, technically speaking, Clarke's sister, that this was not a relationship born of blood but choice. She thought back to Anya and Gustus, she could have something very similar. She knew why she did not, it was her own reticence and fear which hindered their relationship.

“Look, it was you that we told me you caught her smooching the wicked witch of the west, you can't expect me not to be interested!”  
Lexa's cheeks flushed a violent red, she was immediately glad that there was nobody to witness her response.  
“You know Clarke, sometimes I think it's wilful self-destruction. I mean after Finn you think she'd have learnt to stay away from selfish arseholes.” Abby was absent mindedly peeling potatoes, so she missed at first the stiffening in Raven's shoulders. When she was quiet for a moment longer though, Abby looked up and realised her mistake.  
“Oh gosh, Raven, I am sorry. You know me and my big mouth.”  
Raven bounced back to life quick enough. “Hey don't mention it, I guess we were both pretty stupid that time. Anyway, honestly, I'm so flipping happy at the moment, I don't think of him ever anymore. Just you wait till you meet the girlfriend, I swear she's almost as hot as me!”  
Abby was obviously relieved and went back to veg prep.  
“Honey I am so glad to see you happy, I'm hoping it won't be too long before we get that introduction. Still though Clarke, she couldn't possibly have chosen worse this time. Mind you, it's not like she can possibly thinking of a relationship, not with her, thank God.”

“Will you two ladies please stop giving my princess a hard time!”  
Lexa turned to see the new addition, this must be Clarke's Father. He was a handsome man, with a charming smile and hair which was parted off-centre and framed his face nicely. He had a strong jaw but very caring eyes, sensitive yet strong. He bent towards the seated Raven and gave a big kiss to her forehead.  
“My girl will end up surprising the lot of you, she sees things which others miss.” He made towards his wife a curled one arm around her waist. From his pocket he took out a sprig of mistletoe and held it above his head, his lips puckering ridiculously. Abby laughed and kissed her husband, a little peck at first before adding a little more feeling.  
Merry Christmas Jake darling. You know you don't need the mistletoe?  
“Yes, but you never know. Right guys, Bucks Fizz anyone?  
“I can't really Jake, I'm driving later.” Raven beamed at Jake.  
“I'll make it extra orangey, promise you'll be in a fit state to drive.”  
He retrieved some glasses from a cupboard and began preparing the drinks.  
“Honestly though Jake, I would like you to have a word this time. You know she doesn't listen to a word I say. She was on duty, in the hospital, and quite honestly that woman might as well be the devil.”  
Lexa felt her jaw clench, in fact her entire body became tense. It wasn't really a response to their obvious hatred of her, she was far too used to people thinking pretty much all this and worse of her. No, she wasn't annoyed at their opinion of her, privately she might have agreed with them. But she hated them disparaging Clarke, even more so when they were doing so because of her. Her association with Clarke was causing people to speak ill of her and that made her very angry indeed. She wanted to jump in and protect her blonde from their stupid sentiments. _Her, blonde?_ She had definitely just thought of her in those terms...that wasn't a good sign.

Music began playing, Lexa realised it had been Jake, he'd started the radio and was sashaying his way back to his wife. He held out his arms to her, indicating that he thought the kitchen was the perfect place for a dance.  
“You know, my mother warned me about you too?” His eyebrow raised, looking lovingly at his wife. Abby returned his smile, and he twirled her around.  
“Well your mother was something else, I do hope you're not comparing the two situations.”  
Jake pulled his wife close and lay his hands on his wife's hips.  
“Actually I am, I saw something more in you, I think you saw something more in me too, isn't that what love is?”  
“Oh Jake, you romanticise everything. Our Clarke is not seeing a potential life partner, she's seen a pretty face. Look at the other disasters she has had.”  
“Oh my love, you've completely missed the point, Clarke always sees the best in people. Now, whether that person chooses to live up to her expectations is not in her control. That doesn't mean they didn't have the potential inside them, they simply chose another path. One of these days, you'll see, she will find someone who wants to be that person she sees. The reason they will do that, my beautiful wife, is because they will have seen in our Clarke somebody worth being better for. I can't wait to see it when it happens.”  
Jake span Abby yet again and he laughed lightly. The song changed, from the slow _White Christmas_ to the much livelier _Jingle Bell Rock_. He held out his hand to Raven, who had been listening with interest. He got his adoptive daughter dancing too and the three of them danced their way through the rest of the vegetable preparation.

Lexa really liked Jake. She saw in Abby certain physical similarities and mannerisms that she and Clarke shared, but with Jake she saw Clarke's soul. They shared that goodness of spirit, their desire to bring happiness to those around them. Clarke was without any doubt her Father's daughter. Lexa couldn't help but wish that she could introduce herself to this man, she’d like to make a good impression. But she wanted something else, even more deeply, she really, desperately, wanted to be that person who could become all the things that Clarke needed. She wanted to make her know that she saw something amazing inside her too, actually it was starting to scare her how much she wanted it.

“Right guys, the turkey has been basted, all the veg is prepped seems like we’ve got some time on our hands.” Jake smiled mischievously, he obviously had something in mind.  
“Hell yeah, it’s Christmas, we’ve got to play some games...but without Clarke, our options are more limited. Pictionary is out, too bad because me and Griff own that game...what about Twister?”  
“Oh no, I have to play that because Clarke insists, you two are so much younger and more flexible, it really isn’t a fair game at all”  
“Ok ok, no Twister then, we’ve not even got enough for charades…”  
“Actually I already had a game in mind.” Jake’s eyes had that same twinkle agian.  
“Before you say it Daddy Griffin I am absolutely not playing Cards Against Humanity with you, not after the last time.”  
A laugh burst from Jake’s chest, clearly caught by surprise. “Raven playing that once with you was enough for a lifetime, I assure you. No I was thinking something much more sedate how about a game of Clue, who doesn’t like a bit of murder at Christmas?”

The Christmas spirit let out a long laugh, “Oh I do like that game” he roared. Lexa had never played the game herself, but she figured the rules out pretty quickly. The makeshift family seemed to all be exceedingly competitive and were deep in concentration whenever a suggestion was made. Lexa found it all slightly ridiculous, how could they be so serious shouting out, _Colonel Custard in the kitchen with the candlestick_? Yet they were serious, and, deeply enthralled by the game. Lexa thought she had worked out the solution at the same time as Raven looked up smugly from her cards.  
“I'd like to make an accusation” Jake and Abby looked up from the board, interested.  
“Are you sure Raven, I know you're a genius and all, but you remember what happened last time?...You don't want to accuse prematurely and let me snatch victory...yet again.”  
Jake fixed his blue eyes on Raven obviously trying to make her doubt herself. Raven was having none of it however.  
“Miss Scarlett, in the billiards room, with the lead pipe.”  
Lexa smiled at Raven, that was not the answer she was thinking, either she hadn't thought things through quite enough or Rae was in for a disappointment. Raven reached for the envelope in the centre and her face fell. She didn't need to say a word to the others.  
“You do it every single time Rae, when will you learn my love? You think you're too smart sometimes.” Jake was laughing hard, Abby merely smiled softly and shook her head.  
Apparently this meant Raven was out, though she still dismissed the others suggestions. Two more suggestions played out when Abby chimed in.  
“Ok I'd like to make an accusation, Miss Scarlett, in the kitchen, with the lead pipe.” Raven responded with a long groan “Well done Chief, my mistake was your good fortune apparently.”  
It had been enjoyable merely watching them play and Lexa was happy with herself that she had managed to figure the answer correctly. The Christmas spirit just kept chuckling away, apparently fond of any game whatsoever.

“Where is Clarke anyway?” Raven said after checking her watch and her phone. They hadn't been aware of the passage of time whilst they played. “She definitely should be home from her shift by now...in fact she should have been here almost an hour ago.”  
“Don't think too deeply on it, she can never get away quickly, I swear she's worse than me!” 

Lexa turned to face the spirit, as if to ask if there was any more to see. But the spirit looked very strange, not at all like the figure she had spent so much time with. The ghost had physically shrunk, and the glow was no longer warming its cheeks. The ghost looked not just sad, but like deep depression had settled in its heart, onr that seemed to sap its very life.  
“You asked me if all were happy on this day. I'm sorry Lexa, but they are not. I do not wish to show you this, but, alas, you can never hide from the truth.”


	11. Christmas' end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you asked for it, gluttons for punishment.  
> I don't know how it will read, I'm hoping that the overall balance of the story will be right...but as you will know with the story it isn't going to get any lighter, quite the opposite in fact.
> 
> Don't know if you'll get an update tomorrow, but I'll see what I can get done amidst the work/festivities.
> 
> Thanks for everyone's comments last night, much appreciated, didn't know how much you all cared, lol.
> 
> If I don't post tomorrow, have a very Merry Christmas!

Chapter 11

Lexa was taken aback by the sudden change in the spirit's appearance and mood. Actually it were as though she met another spirit entirely.  
She had no idea what to expect, no idea where the spirit would take her. But she felt stronger somehow. She trusted that what she would see, would be to her benefit, even if it might be a painful experience.  
The spirit gently laid a hand on the small of her back, turning her away from the Griffin family, still chatting amongst themselves in the living room. As they turned to leave, the scenery before them changed once more.

They were now outside, in the middle of a very busy street, a busy street that seemed to be in complete chaos. Lexa knew the street well, so well that she needn't turn around to know that the hospital lay behind her. It really was excessively busy, especially for Christmas day. Cars were stood still, beeping harshly. Lexa could see a large crowd of people gathered right on the edge of the pavement, around where the hold up appeared to be.  
The spirit didn't say anything, but when she looked to him for an explanation as to why they were here its head merely shook, but not as though to say no. It seemed more a shake which was trying to dispel whatever troubled it's mind.  
Lexa decided that she was going to have to investigate for herself, she crossed the road before her trying to get to the group of people. She cursed how quickly the cars were moving on this side of the road, they really shouldn't be so fast in a place with so many pedastrians. Having narrowly avoided falling under the wheels of a car (she didn't fancy finding out whether she could be hurt even though she couldn't be seen) she made her way through the crowd of spectators.  
It wasn't easy moving between them, Lexa was so used to people practically jumping out of her way, but these people couldn't even see her. She avoiding touching anyone, having no desire to see if her hand would go right through them or some other such nonsense. As she carefully threaded her way through, she began to hear quite a commotion, there was shouting and gasping. The tension at the centre rippled out through the crowd which was shifting uncomfortably. She finally made her way to the front, but she was entirely unprepared for what she saw there.

Blood, blood. That’s what she saw there. She saw blood and what seemed to her like lots of it. Her knees almost buckled, when, in the midst of all that blood, and in the middle of all this commotion, she saw blonde wavy locks, golden and shimmering, but in disarray. She knew who those locks belonged to.  
“CLARKE!” 

She did not know where the words had come from, indeed there was no breath within her that could have given voice to that shout. She stood her eyes wide with shock.  
Movement, the blonde was moving. With the young doctor’s movement the world seemed to come back into focus for Lexa, the pause had been only momentary, but had felt like an eternity to those green eyes that watched in horror.  
As Lexa looked, the first of her shock abated and she could distinguish what was actually happening. Clarke was laid in the street, she was covered in blood, but it was not her own. She was in the middle of this calamity, not as a victim of it, but the saviour in the centre of it.  
Everything was now in rapid motion. Clarke was calm, but had to shout to take control of the situation. Her hands were pressed against the stomach of another, well, it appeared to be a woman from the clothes and long hair. She was pressing down with a great deal of force looking like she was trying to stop the flow of blood.  
“I need someone to press down here, as much force as they possibly can, quickly, now! She has a head trauma too, I need free hands to asses the laceration.”  
She had a composure which, sadly, those around her completely lacked. She practically dragged a man to his knees and forced him to hold the jumper which was stemming the bleeding.  
“No, no, no, it looks like she’s fractured her skull too. Be careful, don’t move her too much, we don’t know what damage we might cause...Where the hell are the EMTs? We’re literally right outside the hospital how the hell can they be taking so long?”  
As she spoke her hand were constantly on the move, doing what she could to make yet another tourniquet for the patient’s head. You could see her eyes scanning the rest of the body for any other injuries that were requiring her immediate attention.  
“Is the driver ok? Make sure when the team arrive that he gets seen to as well, there might not be any obvious injuries, but he will certainly be in shock.”

At that moment Lexa’s attention was directed in another direction, the Paramedics had arrived and were loudly shouting to the crowd to disperse so that they could get through to the injured woman.  
“Hey Griff, what have we got here?”  
“Young woman, stepped out into the street without seeing the car, no time for the brakes, the impact was...it was horrendous. There is a deep gash along her right side, i’m not sure what has caused that, but the bleeding is very severe, most of this blood is from that injury. She has also suffered an impact to the back of her head, obviously I can’t be sure, but to me it looks likely that the skull is fractured. She was not conscious when I got to her, I think she went out immediately. I’ve checked for other contusions, can’t seem to see any.”  
She spoke extremely quickly, but with a clarity and precision which was impressive. Of course Clarke was used to the pressure of a medical emergency, but to witness the actual event was another thing entirely. The doctor had obviously switched effortlessly into work mode and had taken complete control of the situation.  
“Ok, quickly get me a neck brace and a spinal board, we don’t want her to move any more than necessary. Let me see what I can do quickly to further stem the bleeding, really we just need to get her in as quick as we possibly can.”

Lexa had never seen as event such as this, she wasn’t squeamish so the blood did not perturb her, well except in the first instance when she thought that it was Clarke who was injured. Once realising that the young doctor was actually in complete control of the situation, she watched with growing interest. Quite frankly, Clarke was magnificent in an emergency. The way her mind worked, so quickly and exactly. She was completely unfazed by the situation or by the lack of useful help from those who were also at the scene. Seeing Clarke in this situation, she could not help but be impressed. She watched in awe, her admiration growing as Clarke elevated herself above all the people whom the businesswoman had ever encountered.

Once the Paramedics had arrived at the scene and been debriefed by Clarke, everything went even quicker. No time had passed at all between them arriving and them carrying off the patient, now strapped securely. They had packed all the wounds and tightly secured them, knowing that in all likelihood they would be removed moments after getting her indoors. As they began to lift her Lexa looked at her clammy pallid complexion, she wore a oxygen mask, but her breathing had become very short and shallow. Lexa watched as Clarke quickly took her pulse.  
“She’s going into hypovolemic shock, you’re going to have to get a line in her and give her some fluids, when we get inside I can check her records for her blood type, no doubt she’ll need a transfusion.”  
“Have you got her ID to check her medical records? I mean Dr Griffin i’m really grateful for your help, but you might need to take step back. You have experienced quite a shock.”  
“With respect Marcus, I know my own capabilities and there is nothing you can say right now that will keep me away. Her daughter Amanda is already in the hospital, her name is Maya Jordan.” 

Lexa could have told the paramedic not to waste his breath trying to get Clarke to leave them to it. That was Clarke all over, never concerned with her own well-being, constantly looking after the welfare of others. Lexa couldn’t help but feel that, in the middle of this grisly incident, she was more fiercely beautiful than ever.  
Lexa was getting quite used to following behind people after the last few trips with the spirits. It was not something she was generally accustomed to, usually it would have been the other way, people trying their best to chase after her. She had no qualms about tailing Clarke though, it came rather naturally, she was more than happy to go wherever the blonde went. They were moving so quickly this time, it was almost a run, obviously in these situations literally every second counted. When they got through the doors of the ER Clarke let the paramedics take Maya away, she headed for the nearest computer terminal to find the patient’s medical records. She worked quickly gathering the relevant information and printing it off. It was mere minutes before she was following the direction they had taken the young mother.

When they caught up with Maya, things were looking worse. She had crashed and the resus team were at work fighting to save her life. Clarke made sure that the notes were received, but she stood well clear out of the way and let everyone do their jobs. The senior Dr was not one that Lexa had come into contact with during her time in the hospital, but Lexa noted that he appeared extremely thorough and attentive.  
“Ready and OR, she’s going into multiple organ failure, there must be some internal bleeding too we need to get her stabilized, quick.”  
With that Maya was rushed away yet again. This time Clarke stayed where she was, obviously knowing that her purpose was now elsewhere, she turned to a member of staff who still remained.  
“Her husband is due at the hospital, i’m going to see if I can get in touch with him.”  
She did not wait for a response, perhaps knowing that one was unlikely to be forthcoming, instead she turned on her heels and walked with purpose out of the room.

With that they were once again on the move, it occurred to Alexandria that Clarke must be getting tired by now, it was well into the afternoon and she had been at the hospital late last night and apparently early this morning. Not to mention having to cope with the intensity of the present situation and the physical exertion of practically running from one place to another. You could see the exhaustion beginning to show in her face, not yet obvious, yet if you looked it was clear to be seen. Lexa felt that she would like to help, she would at least like to pull Clarke into a quick embrace, to feel her relax in her arms, to give her at least a brief moment of respite. Obviously this wasn’t a possibility as she wasn’t really there at all. Even if she were, she reflected that Clarke probably wouldn’t accept it from her, not after last night.  
They made their way through the hospital to the children’s ward. Whether it was the tiredness, or stress, Clarke was most certainly not as collected as she appeared, otherwise she would never have set foot on the children's ward in her current state. She had cleared the blood thoroughly from her hands, most likely because of the hospital's rigorous hygiene procedures. However her clothes were an absolute state, and she even had a smudge of blood above her eyebrow. Again Lexa felt the intense desire to go to her and straighten her out, make sure that someone was taking care of her. She could tell, if others could not, Clarke was starting to struggle. Lexa hated being able only to watch.

She finally found Jasper, as expected he was sat beside little Amanda's crib. Amanda had hold of one of his fingers but was sound asleep, her father just stared at her, with love.  
“Mr Jordan?”  
“Hey Dr Griffin, have you seen...wow what happened to you?”  
Inevitably upon seeing the bloodstained clothing Jasper was wondering what on earth Clarke had been doing to get in such a state. Clarke looked down at herself and realised her oversight, not that anything could be done now.  
“Mr Jordan, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me, there's been and incident.”  
You could see the colour drain from his face, he looked over at Amanda, as if she could give him an answer.  
“Oh my goodness, is Amanda not Ok? Oh no, where's Maya?” He searched behind Clarke trying to search for his wife whom he assumed would be rounding the corner any moment.  
“Mr Jordan, I'm afraid the incident concerns your wife.”  
There was no colour left to drain yet Jasper looked infinitely worse now. His eyes were as wide as they could possibly go, they had glazed over as though his mind had simply stopped functioning.  
“Maya?”  
It was apparently the only word he could form and even that was weak, his voice not quite finding the power he needed to produce any volume.  
“Jasper, I need you to come with me now, Amanda is absolutely fine and we've got lots of nurses who will give her plenty of attention. But I need to talk to you and here is not a good place to do it.”  
She reached out and placed a hand gently on the crook of his elbow. He allowed himself to be led away, as though he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this simple movement if left to his own devices.

Eventually Clarke managed to guide Jasper into a family consultation room, sat him down and made him a sweet cup of tea. Finally it appeared as though he were coming around slightly.  
“What has happened, please tell me she’s still here?”  
Obviously Jasper had immediately thought the worse, probably from Clarke’s appearance. He didn’t want to ask any questions, because he couldn’t face the possible answers.  
“Maya was involved in a road traffic accident, she has sustained severe injuries, she is currently in theatre”  
“...How?”  
“Honestly Mr Jordan, I saw the whole event unfold, she just wasn’t aware, she just didn’t look at the road. She stepped out, and there the car was. She was so tired, I think she just didn't have the energy to concentrate. I am so deeply sorry.”  
“I should’ve been here, I knew how tired she was, but she just wouldn’t leave Amanda. When the house closed I had to go home. I mean, I did have to go home, didn’t I?”  
You could see the wildness in his eyes, as he clawed and grasped trying to get reason from the events, how he could have changed them, what should have gone differently.  
“She’s in theatre now Mr Jordan, I was first on the scene and everything has been done quickly. I can assure that they will be doing everything they can in there for Maya.”  
Jasper slowly looked up at Clarke, as though he was only dimly aware of her presence in the room.  
“So she’s going to be Ok?”  
“Mr Jordan, i’m afraid that is just not possible to tell, but I want you to know that everyone is working their hardest.”  
At this, Mr Jordan’s demeanour changed, something in his mind had clicked into place.  
“Yes you’re working your hardest, _now._ But what about you chucked us out of the place we’ve been staying on Christmas Eve...who was working hard for us then?”  
Clarke stiffened, her words came more slowly, measuring, every, last, word.  
“Jasper, the people who are working to save Maya’s life had nothing to do with that decision.”  
“But you did nothing to stop it either!” Jasper was angry now, his face had gone from ashen to a flushed red in seconds.  
Clarke was so calm in these situations, she allowed the man his anger, she didn’t correct him or become frustrated herself. She tried to diffuse the feelings, but not stamp on them like he wasn’t entitled to feel let down.  
“Mr Jordan, I hear your disappointment, but my priority at the moment is to get more news from surgery and see how you can support your wife, but you are going to need to calm down if we are going to be able to do these things. Do you think you can calm down?”  
Jasper seemed to think about Clarke’s request before silently nodding in agreement. 

For yet another occasion this day Lexa was wandering the hospital halls, but this time she was deep in thought. Her decision had led to this, albeit indirectly. It wasn’t as though she were the driver of the car, or she deliberately put Mrs Jordan in harm’s way. However it was unavoidable. Without the closure this family would be in a totally different situation. Lexa thought about the anger being directed towards Dr Griffin and the hospital staff. They didn't deserve it. Neither did this poor man deserve to be in such a position. The spirit said nothing, but looked mournful. Alexandria had found the first ghost's silence judgemental, but not so with the second. The spirit did not apportion blame, instead it merely felt. It felt the sorrow of this man, the tiredness of Clarke, the confusion at the hospital. The spirit embraced these feelings in the same ways it had celebrated the joyous moments they encountered. Such empathy, Lexa could hardly begin to understand it. But she was beginning, she was feeling the emotions of others.  
Lexa watched Jasper who yesterday she could have helped, but for whom in this moment she could now do nothing. She felt a shiver run down her spine as she remembered Titus’ fate. To always observe but never give aid, to know forever how much he had failed his fellow human.

Clarke and Jasper had arrived outside the OR, Maya was not done, nor could they know how long it may be. Jasper sunk onto a plastic chair.  
“Thankd Dr, I'm sure you have got other places to be.”  
He didn't look at her, his tone suggested dismissal rather than appreciation.  
“I am exactly where I should be, I'm not going anywhere.”  
They sat in silence for many minutes looking unwaveringly straight ahead. Finally Jasper broke the silence.  
“I wasn't where I should have been. I should have been here, here with my family, but I wasn't. You know why I was late? I fucking overslept, my wife needed me and I slept in.”  
Clarke offered no words in response.

“My time here grows short.” The ghost sounded weary, and when Alexandria looked, the black hair was now, white. The face once full of joy and life had aged immensely.  
“But Maya, what will happen to her?”  
“That's not my area of expertise, the one who comes after me knows all of that.”  
With those the spirit was gone and with him went the hospital, she stood in the emptiness of her room, shaken to her core.


	12. Yet to Come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, Christmas is busy! Lots and lots on, and very little peace and quiet to write anything at all. So apologies for the delay, I was determined to get this out today though, and I've just about made it...just about.
> 
> I have found this so difficult to write, I really really hope that it pays off. I've had all this in my mind from the beginning, and truly, I'm terrified that it is just rubbish. Apologies if it is!
> 
> I'm doing a bit of travelling over the next few days, but i am hoping that excessive time in transit might mean that I can get some writing done. It's not like the end isn't in sight, we're definitely getting closer to our denouement.
> 
> Hope you've had a good boxing day, and are generally feeling really good and really happy. Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and many many thanks to those of you who have commented. It's so cool to hear from people.

Chapter 12

On Alexandria's previous return from the spirit's journey, she had felt the emptiness of her own room, and it was true to that she had felt plunged into darkness. But this time that darkness did not abate. Her eyes did not become accustomed to the low light conditions and allow her to see more, instead everything was in deep shadow, only the very faintest of outlines was visible. Had she not known the layout of her room, she would have feared moving. She rubbed her eyes wearily, there was no way she was going to be sleeping any time soon.  
Alexandria was greatly affected by those last scenes in the hospital. She had not been distressed by the grisly sight of Maya’s post-accident condition, not until the blame was laid at her door. Peculiarly, for her, the blame had not come from another, instead she condemned herself. Jasper probably didn't know much of her existence and therefore lacked the knowledge to accuse her. But that was irrelevant. She did not need the accusation to be vocalised to know the truth. Maya would have been safe if she had not been made to leave the residence. Knowing her own failure made Maya's injuries all the more grotesque, they became a catalogue of sins written in blood against the business woman's name. She may have, in the past been able to extinguish her feelings of guilt by rationalising her decisions. But she couldn't rationalise the pain that family was experiencing, she didn't even want to try.  
Perhaps it was this line of thinking which kept her in the darkness, her eyes protesting the actions she had undertaken and therefore ceasing to work. Lexa was not concerned about the darkness, she was more worried about what was yet to come, both the immediacy of her meeting with the third spirit, but more worryingly about seeing what ultimately lay in store for her.  
Lexa had been afraid of her past, scared about reliving those moments that had shaped her into the woman she was now. She hadn’t realised at the time, however, at the route of all that fear was a self-loathing that had been debilitating her for years. She had tried to run so far from the memories and people that hurt her that she had closed herself off to everything, to everyone. Now, she was about to look into where all those decisions were to lead, she didn't want to know, because she knew that it couldn't be good. As before her feelings would not change a thing, she had to go through this darkness. The only hope she could cling to was that through this fire she could be refined, she could be made stronger and more beautiful. Then perhaps she might be deserving of something better in her life, maybe, someone better.

The minutes passed like hours, Lexa lay on her bed, the conscience she had long ignored now louder than she ever thought possible. Still the darkness did not abate, it felt increasingly heavy as though it were not just a lack of light but something physical pressing against her skin. Or was it the darkness that felt heavy? Now that she thought about it the silence too felt palpable. She was, at first, willing to believe that these feelings were due to the guilt that she was feeling, but as the pressure against her increased she was more fearful that there was something more to this darkness.  
Her eyes were drawn to the clock, perhaps to see if time itself had stopped. She was unsurprised by what she saw, for she expected this time for the hand to be hovering near 1 o’clock. Apparently that was the appointed time for ghostly arrivals. She watched the second hand glide around the clock face, counting down the seconds as it approached the hour.  
Nothing.  
There was no sound.  
The bells did not ring.  
She got quickly to her feet, frightened by the unexpected silence, which was infinitely more ominous than any sound could have been.  
It was then that she noticed, the darkness increasing, those faint outlines of her furniture now dissolved and she stood in complete black, even then the eclipse continued, how it could get darker still she did not know, except that it certainly did. That thick darkness pressed upon her and began to feel uncomfortable. Thankfully it was then that the darkness started receding, and the pressure relieved. 

She did not know where she was. There were people here to be sure, but none that she recognised. Was she to take this final journey alone? She had not yet met a ghost, and as she surveyed the unfamiliar surroundings, these people certainly didn’t look like the kind of thing she was expecting, she was as certain as she could be that these were all just...people. Very alive people too.  
The room appeared to be an office staff room, though from inside it you could not tell what business these people were involved in. They were all smartly dressed, they looked, if you can easily tell, like they were fairly well-off. But though she kept trying to find some clue as to where she was, or who these people might be, she could find none. She didn’t need to guess at what they were doing however, she had seen it so many times before. She let out an almost audible sigh, she never liked this about working with others, she avoided it like the plague. But where people gathered, this was an unavoidable. The looked at one another furtively, small smiles and then more whispered talking, every so often they would take a quick glance about the room, though quite clearly they would have heard if someone had entered. They were gossiping. Nothing that had happened this night had changed her opinion on this particular activity. She was not interested in the slightest by what banalities people discussed, particularly when they were speculating and assessing the lives of people not present.  
But what should she be doing? Where should she be going? She found herself here, with no explanation with no guide, she had been plucked from her room and transported to goodness knows where. Come to think of it, goodness know when too. Wasn’t this last meeting to concern the future? Logic would certain lead one to assume that as she had gone through the past experienced, rather horrifically, the present, what was left but a journey into the future...so she could be anywhere, and at any time in the future. Of all the places and times and peoples she was here, with a group of people, gossiping. Great. Despite all her feelings contrary she made a decision, she would listen to this rabble, if only in the hopes that she might discover something to help her present position.  
“I know, isn’t it absolutely awful?” said a short haired blonde whose tone did not imply that she really thought it very awful at all, but that she should say it is anyway.  
“Well I was shocked to say the least, I mean you hear about all these things, in the news and what not, but you never really expect it to, well, happen” Alexandria rolled her eyes at the man’s reply, if he had tried he could not have said something more banal. The business woman wondered whether she would actually be able to listen to more of this insipid conversation.  
“Yeah, we’ve all heard it before, why on earth don’t they get a handle on gun control, all these killings, yet still nothing is done.” A third, joined in the conversation throwing her opinion in from across the room where she was cradling the coffee pot.  
“Well it could have been so much worse though, I mean in the end he just killed her, and then himself, but when it’s in a hospital of all places, I mean, is nobody safe anywhere?”  
The first blonde woman was the one who now spoke, in the same lazy drawl that sounded anything but sincerely caring. But the words that she had spoken definitely caught Lexa’s attention. A shooting? At the hospital? All of a sudden she became extremely interested in their conversation, regardless of her opinions on the people speaking. The woman with the coffee now sauntered over, clearly wanting to be in the thick of this particular gossip fest, her next comment was no better than her first political platitude.  
“Well, there may be only two dead, but they are not the only victims. I mean think of all the families involved, the woman who died, there must have been lots of people who loved her. Then think of the shooter, he had a family too. Think what his poor mother must be feeling right now? No, there are so many more victims than any of us realise.” She said all this with an affected empathy, you could clearly tell that she didn’t really feel anything about these people, but she apparently thought saying that she did was all the same.  
“Not just his mother,” it was the man again “that guy had a baby, now she’s an orphan. He must’ve had some screws loose to abandon his kid like that. I mean think what she’ll have to go through as she grows up.”  
“She’s so young though, she won’t even remember him, perhaps they won’t tell her. Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t know”  
Alexandria was losing what little patience she had, it was beyond infuriating having to listen to a conversation without having any input into its direction. She wanted facts, she wanted to know _who, what when?_ But instead, she had to gather tiny scraps of information and listen all the while to their mountain of vapid nonsense.  
“Funny though, the woman he went after, another orphan? Be ironic if his daughter ended up like her.”  
Lexa froze, her blood turning to ice in her veins, that couldn’t be mere coincidence.  
“Well if you ask me, she’s the one to blame for this entire incident, I mean that hospital has always done so much good, until she got involved, all about money, couldn’t care two figs about people.”  
Lexa could hardly take it in, were these people discussing her own death? The pieces certainly did fit, but, she couldn’t possibly be dead. She hated the way that they discussed this all so casually, like at the end of the day it didn’t really matter. Was her demise just going to fuel water cooler conversations, she’d have said it was a fate worse than death except even she couldn’t be quite so glib in that moment.  
“Oh I don’t know if I agree with that, I mean business is business, you don’t deserve some grieving widower to come and wave a gun in your face, I don’t care if he blamed her for his wife’s death, doesn’t make it right.” The man looked around as if to garner support, but none was forthcoming.  
“In the end though, it couldn’t have been more tragic could it?” The group slowly nodded in agreement to this final sentiment.  
Quickly shifting from their moment of introspection the tone of the conversation lightened.  
“I hear the funeral is going to be _huge!_ ”  
“Yeah well, you do get a good send off if you’ve got money.” It was the coffee woman again, apparently she felt strongly adverse to big funerals, or perhaps just anything that concerned wealthy people. Lexa, in a way, privately agreed. If that were to be her send off it was a very ironic choice. it was not the kind of function that she would have wanted. Actually she would be astounded if enough people came to warrant a big funeral. She could think of few people who would likely attend.  
“Honestly I’m actually tempted to go, if I thought I could slip in amongst the mourners. Just to see it, I bet the wake will serve some amazing food.” Lexa had never warmed to the blonde who had started this discussion, but now she was beginning to have very strong, very negative feelings towards her. “As it is though I couldn’t go, it would end up a really awkward situation.”  
“Why would it be awkward?..”

The door to the staff room opened, and as with all gossipers on interruption they stopped speaking immediately. Lexa was glad for the interruption, for the conversation had become extremely distasteful. When the door opened, the woman who entered answered one of her initial questions. She now knew where she was, because the woman who walked through the door was a woman she knew so very well, Anya. She must be in her office, these vacuous people must be her colleagues. That would make a lot of sense actually, Anya very much liked to complain about the people that she worked with. Now, having met them, Lexa could attest to the truth of her words, these people were indeed, morons. No wonder Anya tended to have lunch alone at her desk, continuing her work, the alternative was awful. It made Lexa smile to think that Anya hated this kind of people, and this kind of situation as much as she did. Their shared loathing of idle talk had been one of the reasons they gravitated to one another. She stopped smiling however when she remembered that the subject of conversation was her death, and Anya had just walked in on it.  
Anya looked much as she always did, perhaps a little worse-for-wear. Alexandria was worried she was reading more into her expressions because she hoped at least she would be sorry that she had died. But, no, it might be subtle, but there were certainly some signs of grief there. Anya looked more tired than usual, a darkness had appeared under her eyes. She seemed tense too, though always sullen she now seemed more closed off. Lexa decided she wasn’t imagining it, she was certainly affected. Was it appropriate for Alexandria to be a little glad to see this?  
Anya did not even glance at the occupants of the room, she walked purposefully to the kitchenette and busied herself examining the content of the fridge. As she was crouched down finding, whatever it was she wanted, Lexa saw the group respond to her arrival. It made her blood boil.  
The blonde one, who Lexa had ascertained was the ringleader, pointed exaggeratedly, at Anya who was obscured by the open fridge door. The group turned and looked at her before turning again to the blonde, who looked completely ridiculous as she mouthed the words. _She knew her!_ They all looked quickly again at Anya who was straightening up after retrieving her salad from the fridge. That explained why the blonde couldn’t gate crash the funeral, Anya would know. Anya noticed their interest as she was turning once more to exit the room, she glared at them with evident hostility.  
“Hi Anya, how are you holding up?” Coffee lady offered with boundless simulated sympathy. But Anya did not bother with them any longer, the glare had already been more attention than they deserved. She left the room as quickly as she had entered it.  
“God, what a bitch.” The group sniggered to each other and resumed their nonsense.

Alexandria had become so enraged by this group, that she had temporarily forgotten her own confusion at finding herself here, and here alone. But as the staff chatted animatedly she noticed a figure that she was certain hadn’t been there before. Perhaps it was the poor lighting in that area of the room that had concealed its presence, but then, she never remembered that corner of the room actually being dark before. When she stopped to think she did actually remember that it had been lit the same as everywhere else a moment ago, the darkness, like the figure was most certainly new. Her deep green eyes peered at this mysterious stranger, but she could make out no details, none whatsoever. It was a shadow, like the darkness around it had pooled together and made a spectral yet humanoid shape. There were no clothes no limbs, it didn’t even appear to have substance. It was a great emptiness, and as it moved so did the darkness which wrapped round it like a shroud.  
The breath caught in her lungs as this thing raised a shadowy arm from out of its core, i t was long, and that length was further extended by slender fingers which pointed in accusation, at her. The monstrous spectre continued moving toward Alexandria, it glided slowly, effortlessly, inexorably, closing the space between them. Her feet were like lead, her mind screamed at her to move, to get away from whatever was coming towards her, but she could not. Lexa could barely breathe, let alone run. She finally found breath enough to speak.  
“Are you the ghost of Christmas yet to come?” Lexa surprised herself with how evenly she managed to speak these words. Her insides seemed to quake, and the dread was only growing the nearer it came to her.  
It said nothing, and continued towards her without hesitation.  
“If you mean me harm, I am fully prepared for what comes to me, I am not afraid.”  
That lie was almost ridiculous, there was simply no way it could be true. But Lexa was not going to give into the fear that now clouded her every sense. She would be brave until the end. Those words too had no impact upon the shade which was now very close. With its proximity she noticed more than just its darkness, it also brought with it silence and cold. This thing embodied nothingness, the absence of everything. And now the void was offering that hand which had pointed, offering it to her, the question clear; _Will you come with me?_  
What choice did she have? She reached out and took its hand.


	13. Nia's Victory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, so chapter 13 is up, could this chapter be unlucky for me? Thanks very much for your comments, honestly reading them makes my day. I'm really enjoying seeing the story develop and most of the time I think I am as surprised as you how things are working out.
> 
> I find writing this, like stepping out on a journey when you know where you want to get to, but you've not really planned the route. You've got some vague ideas, but when you actually start the journey it is so different than you expected. But I am really loving it, and I'm glad that some of you are enjoying it too, there are obviously people out there as crazy as me, what comfort that is.
> 
> So the chapter is here and we get another glimpse of the woman we love to hate Nia...I have been told my Irishwhiskey1786 that she needs to get her comeuppance but I've not entirely figured it out, perhaps I might leave it for a epilogue (which I think we might need anyway or else how will we have enough Clexa fluff to have made all this angst worth it?) If you have any ideas, write them on the back of a postcard...no, i'd really love to hear them, possibly the more outlandish the better, we all need a laugh!
> 
> Next chapter we're still in the dark, but the dawn is coming!!!
> 
> Thanks guys

Chapter 13

As the spirit took her hand she felt and intense cold wash over her, the cold did not make her want to shiver and seek warmth, it was strange, perhaps it was not a cold at all, rather just a removal of all positive feeling. She was no longer warm, but was not cold either. She was no longer angry as she had been before, but neither was she particularly calm. Her fear also had now quieted. She felt absent, she felt empty, she felt...nothingness. It is so difficult to describe what an absence of feeling is like, she could not even worry in that moment. Upon recollection, at a later time, when she could feel again, Lexa would try to remember this feeling of nothingness, but be completely unable. Like finding the words to describe it, having a memory of it was apparently impossible.  
The entity had not yet spoken to her, and Lexa felt she knew that she would never hear it utter a word. Actually this was a comfort, she really did not want to know what this thing sounded like. In spite of its dumbness she felt the understanding of this spirit, she did not question that it knew exactly what she was saying. Actually she had the strange feeling it knew what she would say before she actually found the words. Because of this understanding she kept talking to it, in fact she spoke to this Spirit more than any of the others.  
She questioned why she had been sent to that office staff room first, she asked the ghost to confirm that they had been speaking about her death, and that the man who murdered her had been Jasper. She asked about the hospital and what was going on there. All these questions, and many more beside them were met by complete silence. Finally she summoned the courage to the ask the spirit what she had been longing to ask from the moment she had arrived in this future place.  
“I want to see Clarke. Show me Clarke.”  
Finally Lexa seemed to have asked a question that provoked a response, not that she could be entirely sure what that response was. The shadow seemed to turn to her, then its head seemed to tilt to one side, it held this position for a few moments, as if in consideration. Then the head began to shake softly. She assumed that was a no. But then she couldn’t be sure, with no words and no facial expressions she was at a loss as to how she was meant to communicate with this spirit. Perhaps that was the point, and she was not meant to communicate with it at all, but she couldn’t help herself, she felt compelled to try, so she carried on regardless.  
“She’ll be at the hospital, everything is happening at the hospital, please, just take me to the hospital.”  
The ghost had returned to its stillness, and as much as she tried to elicit another response from it, she had no success. 

Lexa had been all-consumed in her questioning of the spirit, single minded in her attempts to garner some information from it. She had not been paying any attention to her surroundings. Even so, when her attention finally slipped from her consideration of the shadow, she never expected to be in another place entirely. How she got to this new place, even when she got here, she could not answer.  
She looked around herself, what she saw was a perfect apartment, but entirely empty. No furniture, no decorations. Even empty she could tell it was expensive, every inch of the place oozed luxury. The parquet floor was exquisite and the lounge space was expansive. Slate tiles marked that change in the open plan space, that was where the kitchen began. This did have all the fittings already installed, all hidden away behind swish wooden doors. As with the lounge it was a large space perfect even for the most fussy home cook. The crowning glory appeared to be a double oven which was situated in the very centre and looked to be the very best that money could buy.  
She wandered back into the living space so that she could look out of the windows, and try and get her bearings. She looked down at a snowy street, which was smattered with blinking Christmas lights. She knew this scenery well, but its location confused her, she couldn’t quite understand where she was, she remembered no luxury apartments in this part of town. Before she managed to join the dots a cold commanding voice spoke and gave her the answer she had been grasping at.  
“So obviously they are all done now, but I need you to furnish this one. Do I really need to tell you it must be perfect, it must be exquisite. There is already a lot of fuss about this complex I need to fill these apartments quickly, and with the right sort of people. This has the best views, so you need to dress it so fabulously that they will all sell. Any questions?”  
That was not Clarke, in fact it was about as far from Clarke as it was possible to be. Lexa now knew exactly where she was, she was in Nia Quinn’s beautiful new apartment complex. It stood where the family residential facility should still be, that was why she recognised the view. She didn’t need to see Nia in her triumph, the nameless idiots at Anya’s work had been almost more than it was possible to take, she really couldn’t handle this woman right now. The young woman who Nia had been addressing looked obviously nervous. She was pleasantly plump and had a friendly looking face, auburn hair was drawn up into a pristine bun. She was dressed immaculately, which was presumably a necessity in her line of work. She looked around the space enthusiastically, but obviously with a critical eye.  
“No Mam, I don’t have any questions, you can rest assured that it will be dressed to the highest calibre. I am sure that you will have many people wanting to move in…well..except…”  
The young woman’s confidence had evidently failed her, whatever words she was trying to find got lost on the end of her tongue. Unfortunately for her the older woman had heard those tentative beginnings of a thought.  
“Is there something you want to share with me Rebecca?”  
Clearly there was absolutely nothing that Rebecca ever wanted less than to share this moment with her employer, yet it was quite clear that she was going to have to say something now.  
“Well I have heard some chatter…I don’t think that the shooting in the hospital has done anything to raise our profile in a positive way, quite the opposite in fact.”  
A ghastly grin spread across Nia’s wicked features, she looked even more menacing than usual. Rebecca visibly flinched, and even that small movement was not beneath Nia’s noticed. A flash in her cold eyes displayed her enjoyment of the other woman’s discomfort. She loved having the power to inflict fear, Lexa always assumed that she actually mistook fear, for respect. Lexa would never fear, nor respect this horrible excuse for a human being.  
“Oh my dear, you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about that.”  
If Rebecca noticed her condescension she did not respond to it, merely looked politely at Nia, waiting for her to continue.  
“The shooting couldn’t have been better if I had planned it myself. It solved so many problems, hell I am even making more profit from it.” Nia looked so smug it made Lexa sick. Rebecca’s face was a completely open book, you could read her every thought from those changing expressions. She was confused. Nia laughed at her incomprehension.  
“That idiot Chief of medicine actually turned to our company for extra protection services, she felt it was necessary in the aftermath of the attack. I managed to put her on our premium service, because we wouldn’t want any more fatalities, would we? This hospital is drowning in its debt to me. But I have plans to recoup my money.”  
At least it wasn’t just Lexa who thought Nia’s words were beyond grotesque. The young woman looked as though she wished she could just slip out and not be in the same room as this psychopath any longer.  
“Just go, but know this, I want this apartment ready for showing next week. If you dare come to me with any excuses about Christmas time, well, let’s just say, you don’t want to make me displeased.”  
She did not wait for a second longer, caring little about the woman’s threat, or at least not as much as she wanted to get out of this situation. She turned and left the room, leaving Ms Quinn looking out of the widow, her hands clasped behind her back, like a Queen surveying her kingdom. 

Lexa did not hesitate, she did not care about her spectral guide or the plans it might have for her journey, she couldn’t stay in this place for even another minute. She followed close behind Rebecca.  
They proceeded to a lift, one which suited the apartment to which it was adjoined. Now that she was alone, well, she considered herself to be alone, she let out a deep shaky breath. Obviously she had found the meeting with Nia uncomfortable in the extreme. Actually, now Lexa saw her in the lift she had to reconsider her earlier opinion. Lexa had thought that you could read this woman easily, but actually she was now showing such deep feelings of relief, that it was clear she was doing a quite a good job of suppressing how much Nia’s words had affected her. When a tear began to run down her cheek, Lexa felt almost compelled to respond with tears of her own. They eventually reached the ground floor and exited the lift into a large reception area, they did not waste any more time in Nia’s kingdom, they stepped out into the snow.

The hospital stretched out before them, It was so badly in need of updating, not even the crisp white snow could make it look any fresher. It looked old and tired. Not that this was any different from how it looked last time she was here. Alexandria’s very first impression of the hospital, when Titus had sprung the news upon her that they now owned a majority of it, was that it was in desperate need of an awful lot of money spending on it. But hadn’t that been her plan? In the back of her mind had that not always been the endgame? Yes she was allowing Nia her little portion, that was an unfortunate necessity. How could she have let it get so bad…then it occurred to her. If she wasn’t around any longer Nia would have found it so easily to gain more and more leverage over the hospital. Alexandra felt heavy, could this future get worse? She turned once more to the spirit that she had been trying to ignore as much as possible.  
“Is this future fixed? I mean is this all inevitable? Please, I have to know if any of this might be avoided, can I change things?”  
She couldn’t actually say what she expected, certainly she never hoped for a verbal response to her questioning. Perhaps she was just shouting out into the void because there was nothing more that she could think to do.  
“What is the point in showing me all these things? Is this punishment? If I can do nothing to amend this disaster, then why even bother? You might as well have left me in bed to sleep, rather than subject me to such cruel torture.”  
Still nothing, but the shouting had definitely helped somewhat to make Lexa feel lightened of her heavy load. She took some calming breaths and then looked to see where the young woman that she had been following had gone.

Rebecca was crossing towards the hospital a little way apart from Lexa, her tears had mostly stopped falling now and she was busy talking to someone on her phone. Lexa couldn’t make out any of the conversation, the distance between them was much too great for any hint of the conversation to carry to where she now stood. As Lexa was getting nowhere with the shadowy thing that was supposed to be acting as her guide she decided to follow this woman. She certainly had more to her than Lexa had first given her credit for.  
Rebecca led Lexa through the increasingly familiar halls of the hospital. She did not walk with much speed, though she was hardly dawdling either. Their steady pace allowed the businessman to look with more interest at the hospital they were passing through. Just as she had observed outside, the hospital looked much the same as it had done the last time she was actually here (as appossed to being here as a ghost, or whatever it was that she now was.) She noticed that many of the posters which hung in the corridors had been changed for new. Perhaps in places the paint looked a little more worn than it had done in the present. But all the necessities remained the same, it was still as busy as ever. The staff as overworked but as dedicated and she always remembered.  
Lexa didn’t think she quite recalled the way that they now moved through the building, perhaps Rebecca was taking her to a department that she had never been to before.   
Finally they turned off the corridor and into a ward itself. Lexa had noticed on their journey the extra, surly looking, men who stood upon entrances and carefully weighed up all the people seeking admittance. The extra security Nia was charging the hospital through the nose for.  
Two such men now looked Rebecca up and down, though obviously they were having other thoughts apart from whether she posed a potential threat. Lexa frowned at their lack of professionalism, this was the premium service? She shuddered to think what sort of thugs Nia hired for her more basic protection packages.  
Alexandria looked above the reception desk, noticing for the first time the department that they had arrived in, Lexa was confused, this didn’t fit with her memory at all.

_Children’s Ward._ This wasn’t where the children’s ward should be. She definitely knew her way there, it had been the ward she had visited the most in the hospital. She wasn’t even going to deny it anymore, she had visited it at every possible opportunity, because she liked running into Clarke. Because of the association with the Dr she began thinking of that beautiful blonde again. She had asked the spirit to take show her Clarke, the spectre had responded negatively, or so she assumed. Now that she stood before the entrance to her workplace, she half-hoped that she wasn’t on shift. Lexa didn’t want to see what this future had done to Clarke, she didn’t want to see again, written in her wonderful soulful eyes, the disappointment, the disillusionment, knowing it was her failure that caused it all. She didn't want to find her glad that the world was no longer blighted by Alexandria Woods' existence.  
Rebecca managed to get herself past the guards, even more impressive was that she had managed to do so without giving them her number. They proceeded onto the ward itself. Lexa was shocked to say the least, this definitely wasn’t the same ward, Lexa had been right about that. It was a disgrace, that’s what it was. The ward had roughly half the number of beds than in its previous location. Where the walls had once been covered in brightly coloured characters, trying to bring a little lightness into the lives of the kids treated there, now they were a dirty pale green like mushy peas that hadn’t quite been coloured fully. Though there was very few beds available, they were packed in much more tightly, there was barely enough room beside each for a parent to bring a chair to their child’s side. Lexa’s lips curled in a very pronounced snarl, this was unforgivable. Had this been a ward inside some state-run prison she would have thought it inhumane. But a children’s ward? In the centre of their capital city? There could be absolutely no excuse for this.  
The woman whom she had followed now proceeded to a bedside which already had quite a few visitors. Rebecca lovingly embraced the slender brunette and smiled to the muscular man who stood beside her.  
“Lincoln, Octavia, I so wish I could bring you better news this Christmastime.”  
The man, who Lexa assumed was Lincoln smiled back at her and the looked at his child laying upon the bed.  
“Timmy has just been singing for us some Christmas Carols he has learnt. We’re determined to have a Merry Christmas regardless.”  
All the adults smiled at the little boy who lay cheerfully in his hospital bed. A little ray of light to them all.  
“Is it as bad as we suspected Rebecca?”  
“Honestly, Octavia, I don’t think I can stand to be in that woman’s presence for a moment longer, she is evil, she is truly the most evil person that I’ve ever met.”  
“Dr Clarke says that there is good in everybody.” Timmy answered the words that had not been meant for him. With his words every face became downcast, perhaps feeling shame for doubting what this little one clung to so fiercely. They didn’t offer any response or try to correct the little boy just smiled sadly at him, because he didn’t understand.  
Trying to distract Timmy from their discussion Rebecca pulled a present from her bag, and smiled at the little boy.  
"I've got the perfect present for someone so smart as you Timmy, I just hope you don't solve it too quickly or you'll make me feel like a complete numpty, and you do that too easily already."  
The boy thanked Rebecca multiple times, obviously very excited by this unexpected gift. He tore off the wrapping paper and stared at the contents as if they were solid gold.  
"A Rubik's cube! This is the best present ever! Oh I've seen these before and I've really wanted to try it myself, thank you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you."  
With that the boy was completely enraptured, Rebecca smiled at him as he messed up the cube and then set straight to work, seeing if he could put it back together. She'd certainly distracted him enough that they could carry on their conversation.  
Having heard Clarke’s name, and the words that seemed to, so perfectly, reflect her nature, made Lexa feel a fresh wave of sadness. She looked around the ward, half-hope half-dread that the woman herself might appear at any moment. Clarke was nowhere to be seen however and the conversation continued in much the same vain as it had before.  
“She plans to shut down the hospital, plain and simple, I really think I should quit the job, I can’t stomach getting a pay check from her, that money is tainted.”  
Lincoln now squeezed the top of Rebecca’s arm and then gently rubbed it.  
“Rebecca, you need the job, you need the money. Not to mention the exposure you will get.”  
“I don’t care, some things are worth more than money and success, I’ve got a fair mind to hold up her plans by leaving my job unfinished.”  
At this Octavia joined in, concern in her face.  
“No, you absolutely can’t do that! I’ve heard awful things about Nia, you just don’t cross her. Do your job, to the best of your ability, get your money, and get out.  
Rebecca nodded her head agreeing with Octavia’s words and resigning herself to the job she must do.  
“I am getting paid really well, please for the last time, let me pay for some treatment for Timmy at another hospital, please, just let me do this much.”

They all continued their discussion but Alexandria could no longer hear what they were saying, all sound had been muted. She felt a familiar cold on her arm and she looked only to see the shadowy grip of the spirit. Obviously she was not guiding herself on this journey, all she saw was what the spirit wished. Apparently now she was to see no more. She hoped perhaps that this would end her visit to the future, she had already seen too much, more than lifetime of happy memories could extinguish.


	14. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so a quick warning before beginning, this is sad, and you might not like it. If you are particularly sensitive to character's deaths then I might advise you to skip this chapter. However that being said, I have always promised a happy ending, and so none of this sticks. That after all is the story of a Christmas Carol, in the end everything is made better. So if you can take being upset, for only a short while, then go for it.
> 
> So near to the end now. I couldn't be happier that i've actually managed a whole story (almost anyway). Obvious it is very important to stick the landing, and so these last chapters need to pay off all the angst along the way. I never promised that the story would be good, but I did promise that I would get it finished, i'm looking on track to do that and it is all I really wanted.
> 
> Thanks again for the comments and Kudos.

Chapter 14

Clarke did not get her wish, apparently this Spirit had more it wanted to show her, and so she would see it. This time she did experience the change of setting. Though actually she would have preferred it if she hadn’t. The blackness that had swallowed her alone in her bedroom seemed to be the equivalent to the mists of the first ghost. But the darkness was unpleasant and deeply unsettled Lexa. Feeling that strange emptiness, and inexplicable pressure from every side, it was unnerving.  
She was disappointed when she found that she was not back to her bed as she had fervently wished for. But she was all too happy to step out from the darkness of the spirit, and certainly in no mood to travel with it again, not just yet anyway.  
She had become accustomed to looking around herself and trying to ascertain exactly, or actually even roughly where she was. This time it was absolutely obvious where she was, and it took very little deductive reasoning to figure out why she was here.  
As far as the eye could see were row upon row of white stones, starkly contrasted against the lush green of the lawns which surrounded them. Alexandria had never liked cemeteries, especially ones such as this. The memories she had of her childhood, visiting the graves of her parents. She remembered their headstones stood side by side in one of those long lines. She hated the uniformity, that each gravestone was the same as the next. Lexa had loved her parents deeply, like most children, she hated that in death everything they were had been stripped away. All the security and love that they had offered her had been torn from the world, try as she might she had never found that place of love and safety again. These gravestones made everyone equal, which she supposed had some merits, but everyone in life is full of differences and complexities. It seemed an added cruelty that once they died, they became indistinguishable from all the other headstones, all the other lifes, reduced now to simple writing on a white stone.  
Alexandria noticed for the first time that it was raining, and it was raining heavily. She would have expected the rain not to touch her, just as the cold and the fire had not touched her in the woods of the past. But she was not protected from it, she felt the beads of water running down her face and falling in small droplets onto her shoulder. The large tree which she stood underneath was what had been protecting her from the majority of the downpour, only the occasional trickle of water making it through the thick canopy of pines. It was bitterly cold too, her hands a fingers ached with it and she knew the tip of her nose would be glowing a deep red. The haunting apparition beside her offered a hand, Lexa seemed to know instinctively that if she took the offered hand she would no longer be able to feel the rain or the cold. Like before the spectre would take away all feeling from her and leave her with that ineffable nothingness. But Lexa wanted to feel, she wanted to experience this, not cower away, like she had been for so long.  
From the moment of their arrival Alexandria knew why she would be here. This is the funeral that the blonde was speaking of, this was her funeral. Here she would find her stone among all the others, having become nothing more than a memory in this world. When she thought of herself being buried here it made her wonder, why this cemetery? She didn’t know it, she would have thought that Anya and Gustus would have known that actually she’d have chosen to be with her parents. Come to think of it, she already had bought the plot beside them in case of such an eventuality. But this most certainly wasn’t the right place. Perhaps nobody cared enough to take her wishes into account. The thought saddened her, she realised that in all this talk of her death she had not encountered any who were sad at her passing. Nia on the contrary had almost been jumping for joy, jubilant that she was no longer in her way. She couldn’t even say that she was that upset, she felt pretty ambivalent. She had been much more concerned by the state of the hospital, by the way Nia had capitalised on other’s misery. There were certainly things she wanted to change, Jasper’s fate being another, but her own fate, she just couldn’t bring herself to care quite the same. It was an awful realisation and she tried to push that deep feeling of depression from her mind.

She had assumed that a funeral party would be arriving, though the office blonde had indicated it would be a large affair she knew that it could not possibly be. She just didn’t have that many people in her life, there wouldn’t be many. But as she looked around nobody seemed to be coming towards her. In looking, she did notice a very large funeral party. Many people dressed completely in black and a sea of black umbrellas were all surrounding one far corner of the graveyard. She saw the hearse drive up followed by another three large black cars, obviously containing the principle mourners. They joined those awaiting them. Alexandria was too far away to make out anybody, they were all just faceless figures in black, vaguely reminiscent of the ghost beside her.  
The ghost made one of its scarce movements, that indicated something important that Lexa must be aware of. It pointed its long slender fingers towards that large party of mourners. By this time the coffin was being removed from the hearse and was being brought to the grave side.  
Lexa complied without hesitation. She left the shelter of the large black pine and felt the full force of the rain as it began soaking her from head to foot. She was quite some distance from the funeral, so it had begun by the time she got close. From the walk over she was completely drenched. When she had almost reached her destination, she noticed another figure, stood some way from the crowd. Like the others they were dressed all in black, in this case a suit and black shirt, they were very slim but the umbrella obscured their face. Obviously they had come to observe the funeral but preferred not to join the others. She ignored the lone mourner and tried to get nearer, that she might hear the proceedings. The minister was already part way through when she came close enough to hear.  
“...she will be sorely missed, by her family, her friends, by the many people whose lives she touched through her work. Acts of violence such as this are so difficult for us to comprehend. Lives that should have been well lived, should have contained so much more, being cut so short in an act of insensible cruelty. Indeed there is very little consolation to be given when so much has been lost. But today we do not only come here to mourn a loss, we come here also to celebrate a life. A life that was well lived, a person who was so loved…”  
Alexandria didn’t feel a connection to these words, yes they were the sort of thing one expected to hear at a funeral, but she just couldn’t agree that they belonged with her. She wasn’t well loved, she didn’t even really have family that would miss her. As she continued to make her way around the crowd she actually couldn’t make out anybody that she knew. Who were these people anyway? She could only imagine that perhaps they were representatives from some of the businesses that she owned, they were those sorts of people in attendance at Titus’ funeral. Still none of those people had looked sad at Titus’ funeral, it had been a very solemn, serious affair but nobody had seemed emotionally affected, even she hadn’t been. But some of the group, well, they looked sad. Was that woman, whom she didn’t know, actually crying?  
Alexandria was trying to make her way through, so that she might be able to actually see the coffin and ascertain what was going on. It was extremely difficult though, there were so many people and they were all huddled close together sharing umbrellas and trying to keep sheltered from the deluge. She could make out the officiant as she was stood upon a plinth and thankfully had the aid of a small microphone.  
“Most importantly is what we can take from her life, that we might continue her legacy. We who grieve have the opportunity to bring light in the midst of this darkness. Let us commit ourselves, that this death may not provoke our anger, but increase our love. May we not be overwhelmed by despondency, but be inspired by the hope that she possessed. May we be inspired by her self-sacrifice and overflowing love of others.”  
The minister finished her rousing sermon, Lexa would have been impressed by its call to live our lives better, if it hadn’t seemed to be completely exalting skills she didn’t possess. Perhaps this was her favourite topic to wheel out at tragic funerals. Lexa had also decided that this crowd must be because of where the shooting happened, it was plausible that these people were from the hospital and had witnessed the event. Coming to the funeral must have been a way for them to process the trauma of what they had gone through. Actually now she thought about it, there definitely were some faces that she had seen before at the hospital, nurses, porters, doctors. She was still perplexed at how many were gathered but she felt a little more secure having at least reasoned partially why they might have come.  
As she looked round the crowd with interest, she finally moved to get a partial view of the coffin. Her attention was drawn back to the podium as the eulogy was announced.  
_What the hell was she doing here?_  
Lexa’s mind raced a mile a minute trying to find convoluted explanations as to why she of all people would be giving her eulogy. It must be because the shooting happened at the hospital, it must be that connection. She’s in charge there, it was on her turf. Perhaps nobody else had wanted to do it? Perhaps she felt some sort of misguided guilt? The thoughts flew through her brain, but however she tried to reason, whatever gymnastics she did in her mind she just knew it wasn’t right, none of this was right. Dr Abigail Griffin took her place at the microphone.  
“My Daughter, was an amazing woman…”  
Alexandria’s knees went from beneath her, she collapsed under the shock of the revelation.   
"No no no no no"  
She howled in pain, sounding like a wounded animal. This was not her funeral, none of this was to do with her. It was Clarke. It was all for Clarke. Her vision blurred as hot tears poured down her rain drenched face. She lost all composure, all restraint, as though every emotion of the last 20 years had suddenly burst through the damn. The words from the podium washed over her, they struck her like waves at the beach, bringing fresh feelings of wretchedness and desolation.  
“Ever since I can remember, she brought a ray of sunshine into our lives. Not just our lives, but the lives of everyone that she touched. She always sought the best in people, even when I couldn’t see it, even when nobody else believed it was there, she saw more. I know my life will never recover, and the world for me became dimmed as soon as her light was extinguished. But I could not ever be more proud of my little girl, I could never feel more privileged to have been given such a soul. She enriched my life, and I am so angry that she will not become all the things she was destined for..”  
Lexa could not make rational thought, she couldn’t understand what had happened. This made absolutely no sense. The office, they said, it couldn’t have been Clarke they were talking about, Jasper came for an orphan, for the woman responsible for his wife’s death, he came for her, not Clarke.  
“My Daughter died a hero, she faced a death never meant for her, sparing another. But I am not surprised, because she lived her life a hero too. She always put others before herself. She didn’t get her selflessness from me, I spent my life being shocked and sometimes frustrated by it. But she knew so well the value of life, and in everything she did she elevated herself. When she was a little girl she used to look at me, in my Dr’s scrubs, and she would say in awe, _Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you._ Well my darling girl, you were always better than me. I can only hope, that with my every breath I become a little more like you.”  
Lexa was still on her knees, her face still flooded with tears. Those green eyes were completely vacant and glassy. She just stared, and trembled slightly. He had come for her, but he hadn’t succeeded, Clarke had taken the bullet meant for her. Her beautiful, wonderful self had been wiped out of existence, to spare her? It was not worth it. The wrong person was gone. Lexa didn’t really hear any more, she knew prayers were said, scripture was read and people began laying flowers on the coffin. Everything was hazy and she felt completely numb. She could do nothing, but everything carried on around her. They eventually began to lower the coffin and people approached throwing their own bits of soil onto Clarke’s final resting place. As the service began to draw to a close, she heard the minister’s final words, like a poem, but one she wasn’t familiar with.

 _In peace, may you leave the shore._  
_In love, may you find the next._  
_Safe passage on your travels_  
_Until our final journey to the ground._  
_May we meet again._

Those were the final words and the mourners began to disperse. They offered their condolences to Abby and Jake, who received them politely, but both looked deeply tortured, no words could bring them comfort. People were discussing quietly how they would get to the wake and lifts were offered and accepted. Lexa still couldn’t bring herself to move, some part of her doubted she ever would again. She recognised a name amongst the chatter.  
“Anya, I’m sorry, but I’m glad she didn’t come, I don’t care how she feels, I just don’t want to ever see her face again.”  
Anya stood with Clarke’s friend Raven, Alexandria didn’t understand the apparent connection, but they obviously knew each other very well.  
“Sorry, I know she has been your friend for a long time, but, well I won’t ever be able to forgive her. I’m sorry An”  
“I know, I don’t think she ever could have got herself together to come here anyway. She doesn’t leave the house, she barely eats, she just…”  
“Anya, please, let’s not right now. This is about Clarke, we don’t need to talk about this...her, right now.”  
Anya sadly nodded her head in agreement, she then drew Clarke’s best friend into a hug.  
“I miss her too, I’m so very sorry Rae.”  
With those words they left. Lexa was alone by the grave.

 _Clarke Abigail Griffin_  
_Daughter, Friend, Inspiration._  
_MAY WE MEET AGAIN_

It should have been her, it should have been her. She hadn’t had another coherent thought since Abby had revealed the horrible truth. She could have coped with her death, she was expecting few mourners and no sadness. Her heart had been prepared for that, but nothing could have prepared her for this. Because of her, Clarke had lost her life, because of her the hospital was doomed and Nia was victorious, she just stood by, she just let all this happen. She couldn’t take it in.  
She looked around for the spirit, not really knowing why, perhaps to shout and scream once more, perhaps to try and reason with it, question it. But the spirit was gone. The cemetery was large so she looked intently around her, trying to find out where the ghost lurked. Then she saw her again, the lone figure from before, face still obscured by a black umbrella. She was close enough now to see that it was undoubtedly a woman. Close enough even to now know who this woman was, and she cursed herself for not seeing it before. The figure, motionless and staring upon the burial sight, it was herself.  
The future Lexa turned to leave, so she screamed at the top of her lungs to herself. There was so much she wanted to see in her face and speak to herself. But the words did not carry to her future self. She ran towards her, and though her movements were quick, whilst the other's were slow, she did not get any closer to her. She just ran futilely after herself who was receding from sight.  
Alexandria stopped, giving up, knowing that she would never have that encounter, she was not supposed to meet herself in that way. She turned and found that she was still beside the grave despite her foolish pursuit, she had not actually moved at all. She stared once more upon that white stone, the offensive name cut deep into stone. It should have been me.

The missing ghost reappeared through the tombstone, growing rapidly larger and larger as it neared Lexa. The Spirit engulfed her in its own darkness. She was once more flung into that place of absolute nothingness. Once again that thick darkness pressed upon her and began to feel uncomfortable. This time the pressure did not recede, the heaviness she had been experiencing just became greater, coming from all sides until her senses were overwhelmed. In that moment she could not tell you whether she was standing, sitting, floating, sinking, she barely knew she still existed. If she felt that she could have become lost in the mists of her past, that was nothing to her experience now. She felt something deep within telling her that she must fight or else be lost, forever. She hesitated momentarily, remembering her guilt, remembering her pain, remembering how she had tried to loose the grip of the ghost of the past. Perhaps, she considered, she should just give in to this darkness. Perhaps if she lost herself then none of what she had seen would come to pass, would it not be better if she just wrote herself out of existence? She couldn’t bear living those moments she had just witnessed, she didn’t even know if she was capable of living with the memory of it. The Spirit had given her nothing, nothing, no indication that this could be changed. Perhaps she could not extinguish the writing on that dreadful stone, and if she could not, then she could not live either.  
Then she considered, if she was lost now, then this perhaps would stand as the future, the one already played. Perhaps if she lost herself now, it would be as if she had walked away from that cemetery and off the face of the earth, never to be seen again. Then Clarke would still be dead, then the hospital would still be closing, then Amanda would still live her life never knowing her parents. If there was any hope, any hope at all, then she must change what she saw today. She must live it, and make sure that she lived differently this time. She could not give in to this darkness.  
She began frantically kicking her arms and legs, like she was in the deepest depths of the ocean where there was no light, no warmth, and there was the crushing pressure of the waters. She kicked and she clawed and she swam, she swam through whatever this was. As she fought harder and harder, all her muscles straining towards one goal, she saw the dark beginning to abate. Then she saw where the light might come from.


	15. Just a Dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so it's not like I've not been nervous before, in fact it seems i'm perpetually so. But I wasn't anticipating writing a chapter that went like this.
> 
> I feel like the original story ends quite abruptly, I mean theoretically it is a novella so it's by nature short. But I just didn't want it to feel like it didn't allow for the payoff of all that drama...if that makes sense. 
> 
> This isn't all lightness, but I did feel like it gave a little bit more time to explore Clarke's feelings. Hearing about how she feels drawn to Lexa always warms my heart, so hopefully you feel similarly. Let me know if you think it's redundant, i'm totally open to being told so...maybe you could offer an alternative?
> 
> I'm getting nearer to feeling like I know how the ending can work, but I don't want to rush it and do a crap job. 
> 
> Thanks for all your comments about the funeral chapter, honestly I really needed it. You are all fantastic!

Chapter 15.  
Clarke had never experienced a night quite like it. She knew she was stressed, knew that potentially she was pushing herself too hard. The less said about her personal life the better, that was an unmitigated disaster. Clarke decided that actually it was this last area of her life which was contributing to the awful night's sleep.

The evening that preceded this night couldn’t have gone worse, literally every aspect of it filled her with despair. The conversation that she had heard between Lexa and the woman whom she now knew was Nia Quinn had shaken her to the core. It would be wrong to say that it confirmed her worst fears about Lexa, because she honestly never believed for a second that the businesswomen would be involved in that kind of business, would be involved with that kind of person.  
She had returned to the ward barely holding herself together, thoughts whirling round her head, none of them clear, all of them confusing. Unluckily for her she had a very unpleasant welcome. Her mother stood at the reception desk her arms folded across her chest and a face like thunder.  
“What the hell were you thinking?”  
Clarke massaged one temple, she had one hell of a headache.  
“Mum, can we not do this now?”  
Chief Griffin had be leaving for home when she walked in upon Lexa and Clarke caught in that intimate embrace. She ought to have been long gone by now, so Clarke knew that there was little point asking her to drop it, she had waited behind specifically for this confrontation.  
“You will give me an answer Clarke, as to why you are fooling around with a woman hell bent on destroying this hospital.”  
An hour ago, Clarke would have protested that Lexa was not destroying the hospital, but that actually she was the only hope the hospital had. But she had been caught off guard by that meeting, the implications suggested that actually Lexa was driven by money and success and Clarke just didn’t really know what to believe. There was no friendliness between the two business associates, actually Clarke would have guessed the opposite. She would have said that she thought Lexa was deeply uncomfortable in Ms Quinn’s presence, but that was before. Before she thought she could read Lexa, a little bit, not like she could read most people. Now Clarke was so shaken she doubted whether she actually had ever understood even the first thing about Alexandria Woods. Clarke’s eyes fixed on her mother’s, she was unmoving, awaiting her response.  
“I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t…I mean she…” Clarke groaned loudly and kept trying to rub away the headache which was causing her head to feel so fuzzy. “one minute we were talking, then the next she, she kissed me.”  
“You are damn right you weren’t thinking, you never think when it comes to sexual partners. Damn I thought Finn was bound to be the low point, but you always manage to further disappoint me.”  
Clarke didn’t know what to say, her Mum knew so well how to push her buttons. She knew exactly what words would hit the mark. Bringing up Finn just once again made her question herself, her judgement. She wanted to feel angry with her Mum, to shout and stick up for herself. But Abby always managed to turn her anger inwards on herself. _I’ve done it again, I’ve fallen for another bad one, shit, why do I keep messing up like this._  
Abby could read almost every word of Clarke’s inner monologue and she was glad that her words had been received. But she felt that she needed to be clear with Clarke, while she had the opportunity, when she felt Clarke was actually listening to reason.  
“Clarke, you will stay away from that woman, if you do not, I will never forgive you.”  
Clarke stood there helplessly, as her Mum had given her one final penetrating look of disgust, apparently trying to impress upon Clarke the seriousness of her words. Then she left her, no farewell, no kind words or even plans for tomorrow, it was as though she could stand Clarke’s presence no longer.

After Abby Griffin had left there was no further drama for Clarke, not that she could have coped with any more. Her shift was nearly over and the distractions of the evening meant she worked busily to catch herself up. Throwing herself into work always made her feel better, it allowed her the focus, she needed to ignore everything else that was happening in her life.  
It was this respite that made her pick up an extra shift for Christmas morning 6-12pm, she knew really that she was overworking. She knew her family were expecting her around Christmas Day, and she would be, just a little later, cutting down the amount of time available for further confrontations. That wasn’t the only reason though, she was genuinely worried about all her patients and their families. She wanted to make sure that she gave them as much support as she possibly could. So she needed to get home, get some sleep, otherwise she’d be too shattered to be any use tomorrow.

Upon returning to her car, the spell broke, she was no longer busy enough to ignore her feelings, so they overwhelmed her. Deep sobs broke from her chest and thick tears rolled down her cheeks. She started her engine, she knew that she would be crying for quite a large portion of the evening so she might as well just get on and drive home.  
She couldn’t quite determine what was hurting her the most. Or perhaps she didn’t want to admit what was hurting her the most. There was one thought that she just couldn’t dispel from her mind, a memory actually, the memory of that kiss.

Clarke had come out at 18 as a bisexual, but to be honest sometimes she felt like a terrible Bi, really, she hadn’t had a significant relationship with a woman, all of her commitments had been with men. So generally speaking she felt a bit of a fraud her dalliances with women being generally one night stands and a couple of dates here and there. But her attraction to Lexa…well it was something else entirely. She had never been driven to such distraction by, well, anyone. Clarke had been instantly attracted to Alexandria Woods, she remembered the first time she had encountered her at the hospital.  
She saw Lexa first, before they had actually been introduced. Walking by her mother’s side. They weren’t facing Clarke and this gave Clarke ample opportunity to check out the strange woman’s perfect figure. She wore a black suit, the trousers in a skinny cut. They showed gorgeous long legs that seemed to go on forever, ending though, so beautifully, with and ass that Clarke had instantly desired to take in her hands. Raven had unfortunately been with her at the time, apparently her look had been a little less than subtle because Raven had told her to put her tongue back in her mouth. But wholly hell, she just hadn’t met someone who made her heart stop quite like this.  
When she had finally managed to see her face, well that just heightened her arousal. The first thing she noticed was those exquisite green eyes and a bone structure that would make any model jealous. She distinctly remembered having to close her mouth which had fallen open in lust.  
Miss Wood looked at her with complete disinterest, but not before she had examined every inch of her. Clarke had never felt so exposed by a look, and she was so disappointed, when apparently whatever the businesswomen had seen, was of no interest to her. Clarke had tried to shake it off, tried to take the haughty look as her signal to just move on. Clarke had no trouble getting attention when she wanted it, she really didn’t need to try and make the woman notice her. Yet, that is what she became completely preoccupied in doing. Every opportunity she had she spoke to her. Whenever she was around the wards, she kept looking at her, especially when she was turned away, in those moments she could be completely unrestrained in her wanton glances. Perhaps it was her disinterest that was spurring her on, it wasn’t something she was particularly used to. They say that you want what you cannot have. It was crazy how much she just wanted to change that expression on her face, she even imagined that sometimes she did see a change, a softening. She kidded herself that sometimes Lexa was looking at her too. Man she had it so bad.  
Her obsession went further still, very early on, she had begun researching the woman in her time off. She knew nothing of business, so before she came to the hospital she hadn’t heard of her at all. When she first entered her name into google she was shocked to see how well-known she actually was. There were so many articles praising her business acumen, she managed to make it onto Forbes 30 under 30’s list, quite a few times she’d managed to make it high on sexiest CEO's list too. One article that she read a few time with furtive interest was where she came top, the number 1 most influential lesbian. That certainly gave further fuel to her already fevered imagination. Those articles were not just informative as to her sexual orientation or as confirmation of her wealth and attractiveness. They showed how, with almost unblemished success she’d saved companies from the brink, where once they had been failing she made them come back to life, she was a genius. Clarke was so unabashedly infatuated by this woman that she’d even gone to the lengths of buying her unofficial biography. (which apparently the women herself hated and wished had never been written.) When Clarke read about her childhood and her rise to the successful woman she was today, well Clarke’s heart broke for her. She did not pity her, not in the slightest, instead she was in complete awe at what she had accomplished. But the more she saw, the more she read, she felt that this beautiful amazing woman might actually be incredibly lonely, if she could only befriend her…perhaps she could alleviate some of that loneliness. Granted she'd happily do a lot more than that too, were she given the opportunity. But Clarke would settle for getting to know her, if only she would let her.

Until that kiss, she hadn’t ever entertained the possibility that anything would happen between them, not seriously. She may have daydreamed about it, perhaps even fantasised about it in the solace of her own home, particularly her own bed. But she really didn’t expect that someone like Alexandria would even notice the annoying Dr who kept bothering her whenever she had the opportunity. In the midst of all her confusion, her disappointment in the closure, he friends disapproval, he overworking, that kiss had blown a hole in her heart. In all her imaginings, of which there had been plenty, she hadn’t even come close to correctly envisioning how amazing kissing Lexa would be. 

Her lips were so soft and warm. Lexa had initiated the kiss and Clarke noticed how she had held her breath, when Clarke had returned the pressure against her lips Lexa had relaxed and her breath came out in the the softest sigh against her lips. That sound was the sweetest she had ever heard, it took every ounce of self-control she possessed not moan loudly in response. Clarke had heard about seeing fireworks, she’d had men say they’d experienced that with her. She had never before experienced the like of it though. It were as though a thousand colours crashed before her eyes and her heart shuddered as though experiencing small explosions all around her. The moment had been so brief and yet she had experienced so much. All those weeks she’d spent worshipping this women from afar, they hadn’t prepared her for what it felt like to receive her affection, her wonderful attention. Clarke felt so alive in that moment that it had taken her breath away. Perhaps it was lucky that they were interrupted, because Clarke didn't have it in her to stop, all her sense were on fire, singularly focussed on one thing Lexa. She wanted to deepen the kiss, to explore her mouth with her tongue. She wanted to know what her skin felt like, what that soft sigh could turn into if she had the opportunity of exploring the most intimate areas of this woman. She wanted to touch her so badly, she wanted to see her come apart, to affect the woman who seemed so distant. Clarke might have been interrupted in a far more compromising position had it come minutes later. But when the disturbance came, she couldn't have been more disappointed.  
What had followed that earth shattering kiss had sent her into a complete tail spin. She had experienced mere moments believing that she could have this woman that something extraordinary was about to happen in her life. Then she hit the earth with an almighty thud, all that she had hoped for, dreamed of, instantly erased. 

Now as she drove home, bitter tears staining her face with dark lines of running mascara, she remembered that kiss. Even in her anger and disappointment she still wanted to kiss her again, so desperately, she had brought something to life in her that she didn't think was controllable. She still didn’t want to believe what she’d witnessed with Nia, Lexa wasn’t about to close the hospital was she? That was definitely that the older businesswoman had been insinuating. She was evidently not satisfied having the piece she already had, she wanted the whole site, to turn into ridiculously high priced housing, to make immense profit. But she had included Lexa, _Alexandria, trust me, we are going to be very rich indeed._ Those words from those odious woman’s lips were haunting Clarke. She felt frustrated with herself, because in spite of everything and everyone telling her not to trust Lexa, some part of her still did, she just couldn’t let go. She couldn’t let go because she wanted her to be so much more, because she really thought she had been right about her. Because if she was right, well perhaps there was some future between the two of them. Clarke cursed her stupidity repeatedly through the journey back to the apartment she shared with Raven. She was so relieved upon returning that Raven was not home, she couldn’t stand the possibility of having to talk through all these things with her friend.

Clarke opened a bottle of wine and poured herself a very large glass, she knew, as much as she’d like more, it would have to be the only one, she had to be fit for work in the morning. The glass of wine was meant to unwind her, but she was scuppering all her relaxation efforts by continuing to obsess about her day. She booted up her Mac and took another long swig of wine. Opening up her browser, she spent the next hour reading all she could about Nia Quinn and _Venture Azgeda_ , nothing that she read made her feel any better. That woman spelled bad news for anyone other than her shareholders, and even they weren’t completely safe. Many articles questioned her methods, her treatment of staff, even the legality of her operations. She couldn’t have been more different to Alexandria if she had tried. What was going on? Was there really any hope that actually Lexa wasn’t really partnered with this woman in the way she appeared? Clarke tried to remember the brunettes final words to her, _I made this decision with my head and not my heart._ What did that mean?  
Eventually Clarke gave up on her endless questioning of Lexa’s motives and decided it was time for bed, she only hoped that the second glass of wine she knew she shouldn’t have, would help her drift off to sleep quickly.

She did drift off to sleep very quickly, the events of that day had completely drained her of energy. But she did not sleep soundly, quite the opposite, it was to be one of the most unusual nights of her life.  
She was plagued by dreams so vivid that it felt as though she were almost a part of them. At first the dreams made no sense whatsoever, she didn’t recognise anyone within them, it was like a film chronicling the life of a lonely little orphaned girl. As the pictures played before her mind, the young girl grew. She felt an intense connection to her, one which she couldn’t explain even with her fondness for children. But as the girl grew so did the familiarity that she felt for them. Particularly, those dazzling emerald eyes. Didn’t she know them? hadn’t they been in her dreams before? Perhaps her brain was limited by sleep, for until fully grown she didn’t recognise Alexandria in her memories. Clarke’s dreams played out in full the life of the woman who she had become so attached to, until suddenly she was snapped from her sleep.  
Why she had awoken she could not say, it was so sudden she expected there to have been a reason but as she looked around her room she couldn’t see or hear anything unusual. She looked at the digital display on her alarm clock 1:00am she would have to be up in 4 hours to get herself to work. She groaned and turned over in her sleep, what the hell had she been dreaming of. She had obviously been obsessing far too much over those eyes of green, probably given too much interest to her life story too, she was now inventing her life story while she slept. But she couldn’t budge the sadness she felt in her chest. Her dreams had not been pleasant, they had been desperately sad, and those feelings clung to her. She pulled the the covers over her shoulders and wriggled in her bed, trying to get comfortable, she really needed to get some rest.

Images before her mind again, more understandable this time, people enjoying Christmas, families celebrating together, crackers at the breakfast table, her mum and Dad dancing in the kitchen, all this was far easier for her brain to contend with than the other dreams had been. Yes her mind was picturing the day that was before her, far more the usual fare of her dreams, until that is it turned into one of her nightmares. Blood and death filled her dreams before, once again, she was snapped back to reality once more. Clarke took a few deep calming breaths. The Dr hated those types of dreams, it was an unfortunate byproduct of her profession, being in the hospital and seeing so many grisly things, experiencing so many deaths. Clarke would never get used to them. She would never stop dreaming of loosing patients, or fighting for their lives. Seemed like tonight was not going to be good for her sleeping, _what time was it anyway?_ 1:00am the red lights of the clock blinked at her, _crap that must be broken._ She stared at her clock and watched as its face changed 1:01am, perhaps she was mistaken before? It must not have been the time she thought the first time.   
In her first dreams she felt sadness, this time she felt an oncoming dread, a foreboding of what was to come. What on earth was wrong with her? She felt so wired that she got up to fix herself a warm milk, try to soothe herself a little. Well at least her clock was working it now read 1:24am but she really needed to get some sleep, evidently her mind was not very sharp at the moment.

Her final dream, well this was not one that could be explained by her work at the hospital, nor reading too much about a sexy business women who had stolen her heart. She had never had a dream like this one before, and she sincerely hoped that she would never have one like it again.  
It was filled with darkness, but not the normal sort of darkness you experience in life. Not the darkness of a night in the wilderness when you’re finding you way back to your campsite stumbling around in a feeble torchlight. No, this darkness felt like there was something waiting within it, it felt almost alive, alive and hungry. Clarke’s body tumbled in her sleep.  
Out of the heavy darkness pictures began flashing across her vision, it felt like watching a flicker-book, the images didn’t run smoothly into one another, but instead they jerked and jolted. There was an angry man. _Who was that?_ there was lots of scared faces, all of them familiar but at the same time somehow impossible to know. Then there were those haunting green eyes, lips parted in shock, no fear like the others, it looked as though there was almost acceptance in that face. Like it was resigned to what was about to happen. A loud gunshot broke the silence of her dream. White hot pain seared through her stomach and she looked down at herself, hands cupping her stomach which was pouring, red, hot and sticky, she could smell, almost tase the iron now heavy in the air. Then all she saw were those eyes once more, wider and wilder than before, and infinitely more desperate. The vision began to blur flicking between darkness and green eyes, until she saw no more, nothing but inky blackness. From out of the darkness, she heard her voice.  
“Clarke…please don’t leave me, please you have to fight, you have to stay awake…no, open your eyes, Clarke...Clarke I need you. SOMEBODY HELP, WHY THE HELL IS NOBODY DOING ANYTHING? Please Clarke you can’t go...Clarke please don't...I love you.” 

Clarke awoke with a start,.;' she threw back her bedclothes and tugged up her top, pressing the soft flesh of her abdomen. _What the hell was that?_ She felt sick, really sick, she stumbled to her bathroom and knelt by the toilet before bringing back the meagre supper she had eaten, and maybe some of the milk and wine. She actually felt significantly better afterwards, but she couldn’t get those images out of her head. That was a seriously scary dream, it had felt so real, she still felt deeply unsettled. She brushed her teeth wondering all the time whether she might as well just get up and get ready, obviously she wasn’t meant to sleep tonight. She yawned and stretched crossing back to her bed when she stood frozen in place, 1:13. That bloody clock, she pulled it from the plug and threw it across the room hearing it thud against the far wall. She found instead her phone on the bedside table and tried to ignore how the time upon it agreed with her now battered alarm clock. She read a message that apparently Raven had sent an hour before.  
_MERRY CHRISTMAS CLARKEY-POO!_  
Clarke smiled at her friend’s Christmas greeting, they would be seeing each other tomorrow yet she insisted on sending a text on the stroke of midnight. She sent her own text offering the same sentiment back, then she set an alarm on her phone, seeing as how her alarm clock certainly wouldn’t be waking her up. She decided she would try one last time, if she woke up again she was giving up.  
But she did not awaken again, not until her phone started chirping at 5:00am beckoning her out of bed and off to work.


	16. Road to a different future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! I hope everyone has recovered from whatever you did to celebrate the new year.
> 
> Sorry this chapter hasn't come sooner. My Mum is visiting, and with preparing for her and a little one with chicken pox I've just been struggling to find the time. I'm still committed though to having this done and dusted before epiphany . (Though it has turned out much longer than I ever intended, trust me!)
> 
> So, I hope this works for you guys and you enjoy it. I think it's only like another two chapters to go, but don't hold me to that..
> 
> Let me know what you think, and, as always thanks very much for those who leave encouraging comments and the Kudos, it's really lovely to hear from people.
> 
> Here's to a fantastic 2019, may it bring lots of wonderful new fanfics ;-)

Chapter 16.

Lexa awoke, from out of the darkness, from out of the struggle, she emerged from the oppressive darkness that had almost overwhelmed her. In many ways it did feel like waking from a deep sleep, she struggled to comprehend where she was, when she was. Her mind was clouded from all she had seen. So she lay on her bed with her eyes shut trying to decide whether or not she was brave enough to open them  
She lay still on her bed, replaying all the different things that she had witnessed over the course of the night. Describing them as dreams would be woefully inaccurate, for one, by the end, what she had seen was most definitely a nightmare. But it was all far too real to be described as a dream. There can be dreams in which you fully believe, that bring elation or fear which feels so real, but upon waking you know that you have been dreaming. All those sensations become dulled, less than memories, in that moment you feel foolish for having ever thought that the dream you had, was actually reality. When Lexa awoke in her bed, she felt none of this, it was all still as real as it had been when she walked beside the ghosts. There was absolutely no doubt in her mind that she had been in another place, that, had someone snuck into her room that night, they would have found it empty, for she had been somewhere else. So convinced of the reality of her experience, meant the misery she felt still gripped her heart as tightly as when Abigail Griffin had first spoke those words. Lexa’s wretchedness still clouded every rational thought she could muster.  
She had discovered so many things in that night, so much of her own self had been revealed to her. She had always been aloof from people, an outsider, but she never knew that she had been such a stranger to herself. That she had managed to bury her feelings so thoroughly that she was no longer even aware of them. She had pushed people away deliberately as an act of fear, for self-preservation but she had closed things even to herself. All the longings, all the dreams and desires she had abandoned. In the silence of her room, with her eyes still fixed upon her eyelids she considered what she had learnt.  
The most surprising thing she had learnt, were her feelings for Clarke Griffin. She could still not pinpoint exactly when they became clear to her, for they had been growing since before even the spirits came to call. But whenever it was revealed, whenever the barrier finally dropped that she could see the truth, she knew now and she could not forget. She was in love with that beautiful doctor. As in love as it was possible to be, without the encouragement of reciprocation, without the experience of intimacy, the delight of companionship. To some it would seem foolish to love without these things, Lexa would have been the first to scorn such a notion, but that was before this night.  
Was she in love because of what she had witnessed? Clarke's bravery and skill as a doctor? Her love towards her friends, that welcomed them into her family? No, it was not just from her experience that night. Though the ghosts had revealed much of her own self she did not know, they had not uncovered new things in Clarke. Rather, that night had confirmed and highlighted the qualities which she had already discerned. Every single action entirely conformed to her character, Lexa knew how she held her heart open to others, she knew how intelligent and hardworking she was. Literally nothing had been a revelation to her, not even that she would sacrifice her precious life for someone others deemed thoroughly undeserving. She knew all this before, yet now it burned within her heart with a fervour which would never be quenched. The young doctor now stood so far above all others in her esteem that she knew, nobody would ever compare.  
It was the depth of these feelings, the passion of her regard, that kept her eyes from opening. The fear was still there, the relentless trepidation that she might open her eyes, to a world which no longer contained its most beautiful exemplar. She couldn’t bear living in a world without her. Yet she must open her eyes, she must face whatever was to come. She believed that the spirits had come to her aid, that they were not a punishment, that was certainly what Titus had implied. Now she had to trust that was the truth, that she now had a job to do, a job to change what she had seen, this was her redemption.

She opened her eyes and sprang from her bed. The room was still in darkness, but she felt certain that it was not the middle of the night as before. She found her phone by her bedside table and first checked the time and date. As she thought, it was Christmas Day 5:00am, the perfect time for her to set to work. Before beginning that task, she did take a quick look at the news apps in her phone, checking to see if all in the world was as she expected, that no dramatic events had already befallen them. A broad smile filled her face, everything was as it should be, nothing whatsoever out of place.  
Where she had once felt anguish, hope was creeping in place, wiping away the despondency and leaving behind new momentum and a delightful anticipation. She would change things, she would make things better, _and if i succeed to raise even the smallest smile on the face of the women I love, I will be repaid in full 100 times over._

Even in her hurry to leave she showered thoroughly and made sure that she was looking her very best, it was after all Christmas morning and she had a very long day ahead of her. She couldn’t be seen looking anything less than immaculate...especially by _her_.  
She didn’t bother with breakfast, hardly noticing the empty feeling in her stomach, she had so much more to worry about than filling her face.

Into the street, out into the world. There was nobody on the streets, not Christmas morning at 5:45, people had much better things to be doing, like sleeping, opening stockings, or sneaking into parents' rooms to jump on their bed and wake them up for the excitement ahead. She decided once again to walk to the hospital, but it was such a different experience to her walk on Christmas Eve. Now she saw all around her the sweet heralds of Christmas, she peered at all the houses, with their glorious decorations and lights. Just as she had done when she walked with the ghost, they glittered and sparkled even more beautifully in the darkness of the early morning. Now and again a car would pass by on the generally deserted road. They startled Lexa from her revelry of the Christmas street, focusing her once more on the charge before her. Every time she recalled just how much work she had to do, she quickened her footsteps.  
She made use of her journey well, calling those few people that she knew for certain would be awake at this time on a Christmas morning. She knew quite a lot of people who would be, and she would be needing quite a few favours before the day was out.

“Hi Denai? It’s Lexa, Merry Christmas, I know you're busy today, but I have a favour to ask.”

“Miss Woods, erm, I never expected to Christmas greetings from you, or you asking for a favour. To what do I owe such an unexpected pleasure?”

Denai had been almost dying, professionally speaking, 5 years ago when Lexa had come to the aid of her restaurant business. She owned several, and whilst she had small success when they first opened, due to her wonderful skills in the kitchen, her complete lack of business sense was about to lead them all to closure.

“70 people? Christmas Day? Miss Woods, you do get that we are in fact now at Christmas day, and I have fully booked restaurants across the country?

“Denai, I would not ask if I didn’t believe you capable. I know I am asking a lot, I realise that I have no right to ask this of you. I want you to know that if you refuse this, I will not hold it against you in the slightest. This must be completely your own decision, I will of course cover any costs that you incur as well as remunerating you for your time and skills. But please don’t feel in any way obliged, that is not my intent.”

“...Miss Woods..”

“Please call me Lexa”

“Lexa, you know you saved my business, you saved my home and my family's home. I never felt like I could say thank you, I never felt like you would welcome it, but if I can do this and let you know how much we appreciate what you did for us. I am so delighted to be able to do so.”

Lexa was completely taken aback, not only with this call, but she made several over the course of the next few hours. Making contact with various people that she worked with and nearly all of them were more than willing to help her in all she sought to achieve that day. Lexa had assumed that she was generally regarded with ill feelings, certainly when she began working in businesses there was plenty of harsh words spoken, but she always left after her work was accomplished, she never stayed to see the difference that it made to people when they began to succeed, she just moved on to the next. The walls she had built had been to defend herself from people’s harsh words and bad opinions. She now found that she had kept out people gratitude and respect.

It was a little past 6 when she finally made it to the hospital and her head was still racing from all the jobs that she must get done. There was of course very little time for her to enact her plan, and there had been even less time for her to conceive of one. No doubt this wouldn’t be perfect, and though today would be filled with action, she knew very little would actually be accomplished this day. Trading for a start wouldn’t resume until the following morning, and there were quite a few things that she would need to be doing over the next few months. Today would mark the start of some changes, it would set in motion her plans, but they would be far from complete. Still that was work for another day, there was plenty still to be done for today.

Her morning was spent calling so many different people, reading through paperwork, and writing new proposals. She also spent quite a large portion of it in the residential centre, coordinating a few things with different people and getting stuck in to help along the work that she was demanding done on the one day people expected to be completely free. She was effusive in her praise of all those who helped, and she noticed the response that her changed attitude elicited. People were generally around her for much longer, they asked far more questions than she was used to. Lexa wouldn’t have expected to enjoy this sort of change in demeanor, she would have argued that she didn’t have time for pleasantries. But to her surprise she greatly enjoyed being able to share small smiles and kind words with all these different people. She was even more happy at how willing people were to go out of their way in order that they may bring joy to families in need on this special day, despite it all being last minute and directed by a women who they would never have expected this sort of care from.

By 10:45 Lexa’s head was absolutely pounding she had not stopped since the moment that she arrived at the hospital, and now her body was greatly begrudging how it was being deprived of the usual caffeine fix. It had got to the stage now that Lexa could no longer ignore her body’s complaints. So a cup of coffee shot straight to the top of her to-do list, otherwise she would soon barely be able to think.  
As she walked to the nearest staff room, she was planning the next steps, she needed to inform the families of what she was doing...actually she needed to do that ASAP. She needed also to make staff aware so that the message could be spread, as of tonight the residency would re-open. Families were free once again to use it. Her thoughts were so engaged that she didn’t attend to where she was going at all, and as she turned an abrupt corner she collided with a woman headed in the opposite direction.

“I am so sorry…” she began, then she saw a familiar face staring back at her, one that didn’t look likely to take the hand which she had offered to help them up.

“Idiot, you knocked me right on my ass! Seriously, are we people so beneath you that you don’t even see us as we walk by?  
The sharp, beautiful features of Raven Reyes were arranged in a scowl. But then Lexa could hardly blame her when she had been completely to blame for the crash.

“I’m so sorry Raven, not the best way to wish a Merry Christmas. I really wasn’t paying attention, my mind is elsewhere.

“Yeah, well, obviously.” Raven had got herself off the floor, as predicted she didn’t not accept Lexa’s offer of a helping hand. She dusted herself off, still looking just as angry. Just as she turned to leave Lexa remembered where she would eventually be headed, and decided to use Raven as a messenger.

“Raven, you are headed to Abby and Jake Griffins now, are you not?” Lexa didn’t allow for a response, and barely even acknowledged the complete look of shock that had now transfigured the genius mechanic’s face. “I would be very grateful if you could tell the Chief that I will requite her here, for 2 o’clock sharp, though she may bring Jake as well if she likes, in fact that would be encouraged.”

Raven just stood there in complete shock, she had been surprised enough when Lexa had referred to her by name, as they never had many interactions previous to this. But she was completely blown away that Lexa knew where she was headed that afternoon and that she even knew a Mr Griffin existed, let alone his name. Always quick, Raven hid her shock behind more hostility, after all she didn’t like Miss Woods one bit.

“I’m not your messenger! You know it’s Christmas Day and Dr Griffin has got better things to do than come running to your beck and call, both Dr Griffins have better things to do than chasing after you.” Raven thought herself very clever to be able to add Clarke into the conversation, despite the fact that she was yet to be mentioned. It was not an explicit _back off from my friend_ but she figured that Lexa was clever enough to read between the lines.

“I would be extremely grateful if you would do me the service of relaying my message. I am not meaning to cause offence, and you are more than welcome to also accompany them, but there is something of great urgency that I wish to discuss, with both the Dr Griffins, as it so happens. Christmas lunch is already being provided, if that will help alleviate some of the disruption.”

Raven was now just gaping open mouthed at the young business women, completely taken aback by the course of events. She tried her best to sound as angry as she had been before, though she hardly managed it at all.

“Yeah, ok, I will send your message. But listen here Miss Alexandria Woods, if you are planning some sort of sadistic new way to make their lives miserable and you're choosing Christmas Day for the big reveal, so help me God if I don’t strangle you myself.”

“Thank you Raven, I appreciate your help. I can assure you I intend no such thing, hopefully you’ll be able to find that out yourself later on, but for now, Merry Christmas.”

Lexa walked on leaving a completely stunned Raven behind her. The encounter with the feisty brunette had reminded Lexa of another pressing matter that she needed to attend to, but really there were so many of those that she was failing to remember them all, especially with her head throbbing in pain. Coffee first, then she really must phone Anya, she needed to make amends for the phone call yesterday.  
As soon as the bitter concoction hit her lips she felt infinitely more alert. Granted the pain in her head might take a little longer to alleviate, but at least she was feeling a little more like herself. She phoned Anya, who had not long finished having her awkward family breakfast and seemed genuinely shocked to receive the call from her friend. Lexa apologised for the way that she had spoken the evening before, she explained to her that she was going to be tied up at the hospital all afternoon, and so she truly couldn’t make Christmas Lunch at with her and the family. 

“Honestly Anya, I am really sorry I won’t be able to make it, but, if it would not be inconvenient to you all I would really love to come round in the evening and wish you a Merry Christmas. I have to meet this fella that you are so enamoured with.” 

Lexa noticed a momentary awkwardness in Anya’s response, but then she supposed that was to be expected due to her complete change of heart. 

“About the guy I was telling you about...well...oh you’ll see when you come this evening. Lexa? Thank you so much for changing your mind, really, I am so happy. Merry Christmas!”

Now that was sorted onwards to the children’s ward to make sure that she could inform everyone of the changes, and also invite people to the Christmas lunch that Denai was going to be providing.  
She was so preoccupied with all that she was doing that day, that she had scarce had a moment to think of anything beyond those immediate things that required her attention. She had been so distracted by them, that she hadn’t even had the time to spare a thought for breathtaking blue eyes, and hair that shone like the sun. However those things were now unavoidable, for they were heading straight towards her from down the corridor. 

“CLARKE!” Without the slightest degree of tact or decorum, she ran towards the girl that she thought she had lost. As soon as she stood before her both hands found her face and cupped her cheeks. She stared into cerulean eyes and continued fondling her face, soon switching to her shoulders, touching as much of the woman as she could, just that she could _feel_ she was really there.  
Clarke stared back, completely dumbfounded. Once she had recovered from the surprise of the encounter she immediately pulled back from Lexa’s reach.

“Lexa what the hell?” She didn’t sound particularly angry, but definitely very confused, her quizzical eyes narrowing at Lexa.

“I’m so sorry Clarke, please forgive me...I just didn’t expect...it’s just so good to see...I mean you’re here...you’re alright...I just”

That did not clarify the situation for Clarke at all, who was, if possible, even more confused now. She looked as though she thought Lexa had completely lost her mind. She didn’t say anything, rendered rather speechless at all that had happened. Luckily Lexa still had the power of speech.

“Clarke, I’ve asked your Mum to come to the residential at 2:00, I need you to be there too. Sorry I really don’t have time to explain now, I just really hope you will come, please. Oh and Merry Christmas.”

With that, Lexa strode away from the stupefied doctor, who carried on watching as Lexa approached the children’s ward.

Lexa was very nervous about this next part, she wasn’t used to this sort of announcement, and especially to a group of people who may already be hostile towards her she really wasn’t sure how to approach the situation. After some thought she went first to the nurses' station, she recognised a few of them there but she didn’t know any of their names, luckily that is where I.D. badges come in useful.

“Hi, Niylah, Merry Christmas. I was wondering if yourself and the other nurses might be able to help me with something.”

Lexa explained how she wanted to get the news out to families that the residence was being reopened that evening, and that as means of offering some small apology there would be a Christmas lunch at approximately 3pm that afternoon, which was free. Any families who wished to come, staff too, would be most welcome. The news was received with a great deal of shock, but then Lexa was getting very used to that reaction. The nurses were very happy to help spread the message and to try and make any necessary arrangements to help families and patients. They did suggest though that Lexa herself announced the news, at least to those present at the moment.  
Lexa was guided through to the centre of the ward, where she was then forced to stand on a chair so that she might be easily visible to those in their beds.

“Go on then.” Niylah entreated excited to see what the reaction would be.

“Hello everyone, may I have your attention for a moment please?”  
Lexa said in her most loud and commanding voice.

“You may not know me, my name is Alexandria Woods, and I am the woman who has been responsible for the closing of the hospital’s family accommodation.”  
At this angry whispering broke out between many of the families, resentful glances were turned her way, but Lexa continued on regardless.

“I have had my reasons for doing this, and I believed wholeheartedly at the time that it was the best course for this hospital. I confess however that I greatly underestimated the suffering that this would mean for the people in this room. For that mistake, I do sincerely apologise.”

Lexa looked round the room, she recognised very few of the people stood before her, but there would perhaps be time to get to know some of these people later on. She did however notice the couple who she’d observed talking to Rebecca, in the future that would be no more. Lincoln and Octavia stood around their son's bed, and sat upon the bed along with Timmy were two older children who were playing a card game with their brother, not at all concerned with anything she had to say. Lexa could tell from the look on Octavia’s face that if this next part did not go well, she might very well be smacked in the face.

“Though I cannot do anything to erase the pain that you have already endured, I do wish, in some small way, to apologise and to offer you my very best wishes this Christmas time. That is why I have decided that the housing will be reopened this evening, and that at 3pm today there will be served, for all here, a Christmas lunch, which I have every assurance will be absolutely delicious. So allow me to extend this invitation to you all, along with my apologies and wishing you a very Merry Christmas.”

With that Lexa practically jumped off the chair she had stood upon and was ready to run out of the ward. The nurses who had gathered smiled at her, obviously having read the nerves in her face. They gestured with their hands towards the room around them and Lexa began to look at all the people she had addressed. Angry whispering wiped away, now replaced by relief and excited chattering, there were many more smiles now, quite a number directed at her in particular. She felt the warmth of this moment fill her up, glad that, so far, things appeared to be going to plan.

With still so much to do and prepare for, she couldn’t allow herself to be swept up in the joy of it all. She left the ward, but not without shaking hands with a few grateful and relieved parents and extending Christmas wishes to as many as she could. It was not until she was out in the corridor once more that she realised, she remembered who she had not seen on that ward. The person who needed to receive the message the most, the one whom Lexa should have taken care of first. _Shit, how could I be so stupid?_ She did not walk now, she broke out into a panicked run. Where was Maya? She had to find her, and quickly.


	17. Unexpected Saviour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so apologies if you'd rather just get to the end. But I am enjoying myself and I just want to stretch out those lovely longing encounters between our girls. But next Chapter I most certainly intend to get to the celebration. Have some resolution. After that I am definitely writing another Chapter as an epilogue because there's no way I can tie up all the loose ends without moving the story on quite a long period later. 
> 
> I don't want to rush either of those Chapters, because, well this is the happy ending bit and we all deserve it after the Christmas angst I gave you. All I can do is write an ending that would make me smile, and hope that it brings some joy to you guys too, but do et me know how you feel!
> 
> Thanks for the comments and Kudos, it's amazing how that support drives you on!

Chapter 17

Clarke rolled over after the first alarm, not refreshed in the slightest by the disjointed night’s sleep that she’d had. Luckily she was always prepared for missed alarms, they were a frequent occurrence in her life, she loved her sleep too much. Unusually, however, she also missed her second alarm and by her third (because you should always have four) she cursed how late it was. _Shit! There goes my chance for a shower._  
Clarke quickly pulled on clean clothes, unfortunately she only had her worst pair of scrubs left, _Of course, I was going to do the washing whilst I was off. Why’d I take an extra shift, oh yes, because I’m an idiot._ She also had to forgo the coffee and breakfast, though she grabbed an apple to shove in her bag, just in case she had opportunity later. Then she dove out of the door and into the car, shuddering as the fresh morning air hit her.

Her commute was uneventful, as to be expected at such an early hour Christmas morning. She did notice one brave soul walking the street in the direction of the hospital, she shuddered to think how cold they must be, _you couldn’t pay me to walk here at this time in the morning._  
She drove in silence, normally she would listen to the radio, but she had shut it off on the drive home Christmas Eve and she was still so full of thoughts that she never even noticed its absence, so it remained off. She began by thinking of work and all that she wanted to do that day. Mainly she wanted to check on how families were coping, after the trauma of the day before. It wasn’t as though there were any tests to check on or hurry along, no procedures to prepare for, all those sorts of things were hugely pared down at Christmas time. But the well-being of her patients was more than what their medical records suggested, she knew that a big part of the care she provided was being there for them should they need to discuss anything, to have her support when they needed her. This wasn’t something that she had learnt in any of her schooling but her mother had instilled it in her before she ever began to pursue medicine.   
Her mother was a wonderful doctor, a hugely skilled surgeon, Clarke did think however that the Chief role was not entirely suited to her skill-set. By its very nature it took her away from the patients and steeped her in endless bureaucracy. The change had brought out more of her mother’s sharpness, her daughter suspected this was in part because she was frustrated that she wasn’t as successful in this role as she had been in previous ones. Clarke hated how it had created a bit of distance between them, and she considered the harsh words of the previous evening. She really should keep her distance from the enigmatic Miss Woods, even if her whole body seemed drawn to her, the relationship with her mother must be worth more than this strange lust. She must make sure to keep her distance, definitely not be caught in any more passionate kisses, regardless of how damn wonderful those lips tasted, or how often her mind kept replaying the sensual encounter.  
Thinking of Lexa brought her thoughts back to that strange night from which she’d awoken, whatever had been going on it felt as though it was all linked to her connection with the brunette. Much of what she had dreamt of had now faded, however some pictures seemed imprinted on her soul, most of them involving viridescent eyes. 

Clarke arrived at the hospital, body aching, mind far from alert. She wasn’t the best in the mornings, but she’d be damned if she wasn’t going to make sure she pulled herself together. _Come on Griff, these families need you, stop being such a wimp_

Clarke’s shift started well, there were a great group of nurses on shift which always made a world of difference. They had all made an effort to look festive, and Clarke cursed herself again because she had forgotten even the tinsel for her stethoscope. Luckily Niylah came to her rescue twice over, firstly she had a spare Santa hat and some tinsel, which made Clarke feel much more appropriately attired. Secondly, she brought her a coffee which to be honest was even more a necessity to get Clarke up and running. It was still quiet on the Paediatrics ward, breakfast wouldn’t be served for another few hours and actually most of the children were still asleep. They weren't all asleep though Clarke had spotted a lovely set of brown eyes peeking over at her from his bed.

“Merry Christmas Timmy!” She beamed at the young boy, absolutely delighted to see his cheeky grin first thing this Christmas morning.

“Merry Christmas Dr Clarke” The blonde’s smile widened further still, she adored how Timmy would call her Clarke even though his parents were still struggling with the familiarity. 

“Do you think Santa’s been then? I know I’ve got something for you to open too, but, do you think you can wait until your brother and sister arrive, because I’ve got them something as well?”

“I can wait. Mummy’s just gone to the toilet but then she said I could open my stocking.” He pointed to a large stocking that was hung on the end of his bed obviously crammed with little gifts for him to enjoy before the rest of his family arrived. 

“You are very lucky Timmy, but then you have been a really good boy this year haven’t you? I know I am very proud of you and so are your Mummy and Daddy.” The little boy beamed back at Clarke obviously very happy receiving Clarke’s approval. When Octavia returned Clarke also wished her a Merry Christmas and generally checked with her to see how they were all holding up. As expected they were rising to meet the challenge, Octavia and Lincoln were a wonderful couple and even better parents. They complemented each other’s weaknesses but both possessed the same warrior spirit which was determined to overcome any and all obstacles. Clarke admired them greatly, and she let Octavia know, this seemed to further encourage the young mother and as Clarke left she felt that it had been a very productive conversation.

Her next conversation was to be far less productive however. Breakfast was beginning to be served as it was nearing 8:30, and Clarke was back on the ward after having completed some paperwork which she’d failed to get done the previous night. This time she noticed Maya, staring down at Amanda in her crib. Maya looked worse than the last time Clarke had seen her, which was not good, not good at all. She grabbed some tea and hot buttered toast from the catering cart and tried to see if this time she might be able to tempt the young woman to eat.

“Hey Maya, I have tea and toast, both are hot, how about you have some?”   
Clarke was unsurprised when she was unable to persuade Maya to do more than nibble at a corner of toast and take a small sip of tea. Much as she tried to get through to her she was almost completely unsuccessful. She did manage to get a few words about Jasper being imminently expected which made her feel somewhat more at ease.   
Much as she would have liked to spend more time with Maya, these conversations were not the bulk of her work, and her more traditional doctoring required her attention too. She left Baby Amanda and her mother and went to do her patient rounds, checking obs and seeing if any last minute test results had made it into patient notes. 

It was almost 10 when Clarke had finished those morning rounds and she was intrigued by some excitable chatter at the nurses station. She knew that they always liked a good gossip, and why not, they worked very hard it was a way for them all to bond and let off steam. Clarke occasionally joined in with the conversations, but sometimes there was a line drawn between Dr’s and nurses and actually she disrupted the conversation. She attempted to overhear some of the discussion to ascertain whether or not she could be a part of it.

“Apparently it’s all going on at the residency, yeah, loads of people are about.”

“Is it to do with it closing, seems an odd day to come in for something that could wait?”

“Well I’ve seen that woman, you know that really sexy one who is always broody? Why would she come in Christmas Day for goodness sake.”

Clarke’s heart gave a little jolt in her chest when she realised to whom they were referring, apparently Miss Woods was in the hospital today. _Great she’s here the day I don’t shower, and look like shit, it figures_ She couldn’t have explained why exactly her appearance mattered, given that, in the car this morning she had decided to steer well clear as her mother had advised her. Still, she always seemed to manage to bump into her when she was in the hospital, and to be perfectly honest today wasn’t the day she wanted that to happen.  
She was also puzzled as to what she would be doing over at the house, I mean last night suggested that she was turning it over to Nia, there wasn’t really anything more that she needed to be concerned with, so what the heck was she doing?  
Her contemplation was cut short when Raven appeared completely out of the blue, apparently she was there to exchange gifts. Ever since they had been little, growing up across the street from one another Clarke and Raven would wish each other Merry Christmas before their families had even awoken. Sneaking out of bedroom windows they would meet in the frosty road, still in pajamas and exchange gifts. It was one of the best Christmas traditions possible, and of course Raven remembered and wanted to make sure it continued, she was just the best. Clarke was slightly annoyed that Raven had found where she had hidden her present, but only for the briefest moment. She was really glad to get a visit from her housemate, the encounter brightened her day. They quickly parted ways so that Raven could go over to her parents' house, where she always had Christmas lunch. Usually Clarke would have walked her out of the hospital, but she was called away by another doctor who wanted a second opinion on some test results.

“Rae, I will see you later at home, try to keep my parents in a good mood.”

“Hey, Clarke, it’s you that puts your mother in a bad mood, not me, I’m her little angel.” Raven smiled angelically, as though the sentiment were actually plausible. Rae reminded Clarke that she was seeing her mystery girlfriend later on and implored her not to be late, as she so often was.

“Why won’t you tell me who it is? Is it Harper, come on Rae, I’ve never seen you so completely smitten. How is it that I haven’t met this woman yet?

“Well perhaps it’s because I don’t want you to scare her off, or maybe it’s because I know you’re super weak for hot ladies, and believe me mine is a stunner.” She gave Clarke an exaggerated wink and, with that, she left. Clarke went over to help the doctor who had asked for her, afterwards she made her way back onto the Children’s ward.

Again she fond Maya, and still she was alone, this confused Clarke, Jasper had made it very clear that he intended on being with her first thing in the morning, well it was fast approaching lunch time now and he had not arrived. Maya was looking completely out of it, to be honest Clarke was seriously considering getting someone from psychiatry to come and check her over. Maya just didn’t seem really to grasp reality, most of the times Clarke spoke she felt the words were simply not penetrating.   
Maya did come around slightly when Clarke suggested that they go and get coffee together before they searched out Jasper. There was a really good coffee shop, run by a delightful Jewish couple, just across from the hospital and Clarke explained to her that they were open and serving the best speciality coffees around. The young doctor was glad to see some vague enthusiasm for the notion. Then it struck her, she really needed to see someone before she left, she cursed herself for having forgotten, but assured Maya that she would be right back and they would then go together.

Clarke walked briskly through the corridors, intent on getting back to Maya as quickly as she possibly could. She was however detained in the most unexpected way. Walking towards her was none other than the captivating buisnesswoman whom she had been reminding herself all day not to think about. She looked more alluring that ever, and it reminded Clarke that she really looked like rubbish that morning. _Crap, why does she always have to look so magnificent?_ She was hoping that the woman would be too busy to regard her, or perhaps too eager to avoid her because of their last meeting. Clarke tried to look down and keep to one side as though she could physically make herself smaller and less visible.  
Then her name sounded, with that beautiful hard K that only Lexa seemed to annunciate. Gosh, she got butterflies just hearing that woman say her name. Clarke looked up and saw the irresistible woman practically running towards her. Before she could ascertain what was happening her face was cupped by soft skin, elegant fingers tracing up and down the lines of her face. Clarke could feel her skin buzzing under Lexa’s touch and she felt a tightening in her groin. She looked into the eyes of that magnificent woman expecting to see that burning want which she has been feeling growing ever since she first caught sight of her in that hallway. But the face she met was not filled with lust, no desire, nor was it the usual impassive mask of self-control. Clarke stared into wild desperate eyes which were frantically searching every inch of her face, just as her hands were exploring the fulness of her cheeks and jaw. The more those green eyes saw, the more her touch explored, the more Lexa’s face broke out in relief and joy.   
The desperation that Clarke had seen so evidently written upon the face of the usually implaccable woman, stirred a memory within Clarke. The blonde had seen that look, in those green orbs before, _when did you look at me this way before?_ A Half-forgotten dream stirred in her memory, and words of desperation echoed in her mind. The soft touches and awakening memories dazed the blonde for quite some time. She suddenly snapped back to reality, Lexa’s hands now upon her shoulders, touching her as though she were the most precious thing the world contained.

“Lexa what the hell?” She cursed herself internally that those were the words she chose in response to such tenderness from the brunette. Clarke was just so confused, they were the only words she could find.

“I’m so sorry Clarke, please forgive me...I just didn’t expect...it’s just so good to see...I mean you’re here...you’re alright...I just”  
These words overflowed with yet more concern and gentleness, Clarke noticed how the movement of those beautiful hands ghosted the outline of her face even though she had stepped away. Her heart was in her mouth and her brain was foggy, she wanted to step back into that embrace, feel the expression of love from that beautiful woman. She schooled herself, remembering her mother, remembering where they were. So she just stood there aghast. 

“Clarke, I’ve asked your Mum to come to the residential at 2:00, I need you to be there too. Sorry I really don’t have time to explain now, I just really hope you will come, please. Oh and Merry Christmas.”

In that moment, she knew she would never be able to refuse that woman anything, not when she asked so prettily, so genuinely. That graceful face enlivened in hope, how could she ever say no? Clarke swallowed thickly and tried to find her voice.

“Merry Christmas!” She managed lamely, but too late, the brunette had hurried away.

 _What the hell am I doing? Was I going somewhere?_ Clarke could not recollect herself, she fought the urge to just follow behind Lexa back the way that she had come, but soon remembered the hurry that she had been in. I’ve got to talk to Dr Nyko and then find Maya for that coffee.  
The conversation with Nyko was next to useless, Clarke was completely gone, her mind completely Woods obsessed. She stumbled through the conversation until eventually Nyko had given up on it as well. Clarke was free to head back to the ward and Maya, all the while she secretly hoped that she would see Lexa again, she was desperate for any contact at all.

Clarke arrived on the ward, and was disappointed to find that Lexa had already left, though she quickly realised that the impact of her presence was more enduring than she was. The ward was alive with chatter, everyone was talking at once, the excitement palpable. From the nurses, to the children, to their parents huge grins filled the room. Niylah approached Clarke and flung her arms around her.

“Can you believe it? What wonderful news! You must have made some difference...Raven was saying you’d had a word...honestly Clarke I can hardly believe it. You know I’m not usually the sappy sort, but honestly this is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.”

Clarke felt a headache coming on, she really had no idea what was going on, yet everyone who spoke to her assumed that she was in on this big surprise. Her head was whirling but even in her confusion she managed to remember why she was there in the first place.

“Niylah, have you seen Maya?” It wasn’t the question that she really wanted to ask, she really wanted to get to the bottom of why the ward had been transformed into such feverous anticipation. However it was far more important that she checked in on the distraught mother, with any luck she was also enraptured by the infectious delirium

“Oh, Maya? Erm...yeah she left straight after you did, before Miss Woods arrived. Hey Clarke, did you ever notice how gorgeous that Alexandria woman is, my goodness! I might have missed it before but she is absolutely delicious…”

Clarke was already on her way out of the door after Maya trying also to shrug off the rising heat of jealousy burning in her chest. _Where have you gone Maya?_

Clarke decided her best bet was to follow the plan that they had made when she had last seen her, even though she had told her to wait, why hadn’t she waited. Clarke couldn’t really explain why she was feeling so panicky but she had this clawing feeling in her gut. She felt like something terrible was going to happen. But this was more than just a worry, it were as though it was already written, like the worst dejavu she had ever experienced. The fear that she felt was what had pulled her away from her intrigue upon the ward. All she knew was she needed to find Maya, she needed to find her fast.

She stepped out into the street, it was reasonably busy, surprisingly so for Christmas day, but then it was a hospital and so she supposed it would always be busy. Still it didn’t help her try and spot the dark haired woman. She cursed herself for not bringing a jacket it was bitter out here but it did somewhat help focus her mind. _Maybe she’s still in the hospital, I am so stressed, i’m inventing extra drama, I always do that, make a big thing out of nothing._  
Then she spotted her, too far ahead for her to shout and be heard. But there was absolutely no doubt, the way that she meandered through the street slowly watching each step she took, never looking up from the floor. She was so obviously in a daze by the way that she moved, luckily for Clarke that would mean that it would no take her long before she caught up with her. 

She saw it all transpire in slow-motion and she could do nothing but watch. A red Toyota Corrolla came flying out of the hospital car park, swinging wildly round the bend and momentarily crossing to the wrong side of the street. Maya, still studying the floor beneath her feet, reached the edge of the pavement and began stepping into the path of the oncoming vehicle.  
In the same moment, as she watched in horror and called out Maya’s name in a scream of panic, her head was flooded with memories of the horrific crash, of her hands covered in Maya’s blood and her frenzied attempts to save the poor woman’s life. She had seen this before, she knew what the outcome would be.

A figure from the crowded street caught Maya’s arm viciously pulling her backwards to the safety of the pavement. The energy of the moment meant both Maya and her saviour collapsed in a heap. The car sped on, apparently unconcerned with the life that it had almost taken.  
Clarke was still running, but no longer to a scene of catastrophe, she ran as relief flooded her body. She reached the pair with Maya still atop the poor hero, who was well and truly squashed beneath her. Clarke held out her hands to Maya and began helping her to her feet. Lifting her from the woman who had rescued her, Clarke was mumbling effusive words of thanks and praise extolling this virtuous passer-by who had changed the fate that she thought fixed.

“Lexa?”   
Of course it was Alexandria Woods, on this day who else could it have been? Who else was carving their name on every single aspect of Clarke Griffin’s life. Who else was turning Clarke’s world upside down? How could it not be Lexa who was to be the recipient of Clarke’s venerations. At every single turn, that woman was surpassing Clarke’s expectations and Clarke could not contain her adoration.

“Lexa, you saved her life! God Lexa I thought, i thought that car was bound to hit her, but then, out of nowhere. Lexa, you saved her.”

Lexa was on her elbows, still recumbent on the sidewalk. She simply smiled into Clarke’s green eyes soaking in the waves of rapturous approval.

“I’m just so glad I was here.” The grin on her face extending from one ear to another, Clarke had never seen her look so sublime. “Clarke, Maya is very shaken up, but I still have work undone, I know that I could leave her in no better care, than that which she will receive from you.”   
The hero pulled herself to her feet and dusted herself off, she embraced Maya who was quietly stuttering her thanks, and told her to take care of herself.

“You can’t just leave Lexa, please, i really ought to check you over.” As Clarke said the words she imagined a checking over of the woman which certainly breached ethical work practices for a doctor. “Please, I mean, you have to allow us to thank you, what you did, honestly I was so afraid.”

Lexa took Clarke’s hand in both of hers, she looked deeply into her eyes. “The only thanks I require from you, is that you would give me the privilege of your company at 2, with your Mother, as I asked before.” Clarke withered under the loving look on Alexandria’s face.

“Of course Lexa, nothing could keep me away.”


	18. Christmas revisited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this is the final chapter excepting an epilogue. I have not edited it yet, but i'm posting anyway. I think that quite a bit will change, but I just want to get it out there. I will, I promise get to the editing etc soon.
> 
> It's longer than the others, I really hope you enjoy it, though I myself find endings very difficult. I'm not sure they ever quite live up to expectation. One of my favourite books about reading is Italo Calvino _If On a Winter's Night a Traveller_ it sums up my feelings about how there is so much potential when a book starts, yet by the end those possibilities are all used up, can they ever truly meet our expectations?
>
>>   
> “How well I would write if I were not here! If between the white page and the writing of words and stories that take shape and disappear without anyone's ever writing them there were not interposed that uncomfortable partition which is my person! Style, taste, individual philosophy, subjectivity, cultural background, real experience, psychology, talent, tricks of the trade: all the elements that make what I write recognizable as mine seem to me a cage that restricts my possibilities. If I were only a hand, a severed hand that grasps a pen and writes... Who would move this hand? The anonymous throng? The spirit of the times? The collective unconscious? I do not know. It is not in order to be the spokesman for something definable that I would like to erase myself. Only to transmit the writable that waits to be written, the tellable that nobody tells.”
>> 
>> #####  Italo Calvino, If on a Winter's Night a Traveler
> 
> Not sure when i will get to the epilogue, but I'm considering it an extra, so I'm giving myself a bit of extra time.
> 
> yeah I am tired now, so that's it for now.

Chapter 18

Lexa could hear her heart thudding in her ears, it hadn’t subsided since here encounter with Clarke in the street outside. She hadn’t considered that Clarke would witness her impromptu rescue. Truth be told she had been too busy cursing herself for not having avoided that situation earlier. Lexa was annoyed that she got so caught up in other plans that she almost forgot her most important job. As she had run down the corridors of the hospital all she could think of was that poor woman and Clarke’s disappointment.  
When she had managed to catch Maya and pull her back to safety, all she felt was relief. Well not quite all she felt, the landing after her heroics was uncomfortable to say the least and she was pretty positive she would have some major bruises by tomorrow. But her relief, in having prevented the accident, and the further pain that accident would have caused made her feel almost giddy. She felt elated before she set eyes upon Clarke, before she realised what an effect that act would have upon the woman that she wanted so passionately. The look on Clarke’s face, Lexa was unable to forget it, she felt that she would remember it all the days of her life. Clarke regarded her with such awe and appreciation, the complete reverse of only a day ago with Nia. There was also a look deeper than gratitude in her eyes, it was that look that had Lexa’s heart dancing an excited jig inside her chest. She felt sure she had seen within those eyes the same want that she felt, that desire which had crashed them together in a kiss that Lexa remembered so well she could almost still taste it on her lips. Was there a chance for the two of them, Lexa barely gave herself the opportunity to hope.

Lexa did need to pull herself together for the meantime though, much as imagining the blonde held in her arms was a pleasant pastime and one which could occupy her for many an hour, she had important things that she needed to do. Actually she had been looking forward to this part of her day, more than most, a small smile played on her lips one with a slightly cruel edge, her eyes had a sharp glint in them. She took out her phone, and made her final call for that afternoon.

“Hello, Nia, this is Alexandria Woods speaking, a very Merry Christmas to you.”  
Lexa knew full well that she didn’t need to introduce herself, as soon as the phone had rung Nia would have known it was her calling, but she enjoyed using as much civility as she could possibly muster for this conversation.

“Miss Woods? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today… I thought we had cleared up everything last evening?  
Lexa revelled in the confusion that she had caused, Nia was the type of person who loved to be in control of every aspect of her life, she knew that this call would really annoy her, and that was before she knew the reason that Lexa was calling. Lexa’s smile grew wider still, you could hear her smirk in the next words which she spoke.

“Nia, I do apologise for calling you, on this day in particular. I hope I am not interrupting in the middle of your Christmas Lunch? I just know how much you like to informed of all developments, I wouldn’t want to keep you in the dark, not even for a moment, and certainly not when it is so important.”  
Her green eyes sparkled with mischief, lying to that woman was so easy, she would happily keep her in the dark about even the most serious matters, but in this instance it didn’t serve her purposes. There were some parts of her plan which she kept to herself, but for this particular stage, she had great joy in letting her know. Alexandria’s only regret was that she couldn’t witness the different expressions playing across her foe’s face, she would love to be able to see her shock, and soon enough anger.

“Lexa, we have known each other long enough that you know I have no time for your meaningless platitudes, if you have something of worth to say to me, stop beating about the bush and spit it out.”  
Her evident anger was delicious, and Lexa savoured it, she would drag this out indefinitely if she had the time, but as it was almost approaching 1:00 she really did need to get ready for Clarke and Abby, enough playing.

“Nia, you will find that the large installment that you demanded on the hospital’s debt, has been paid to you in full. The money may take some extra time to come through. Unfortunately even the banks don’t seem to share our efficiency and get a bit carried away celebrating Christmas. However I do want to assure you that it will be with _Venture Azgeda_ very shortly. I have every faith that we will be able to keep up with the repayments, even considering the accelerated time-frame that you have been suggesting. I hope these quick payments will help with whatever plans you have for your company.”

“What? What do you mean it’s been paid? We agreed that the property I had acquired was in lieu of those payments. The plan was for the hospital to have a two year break from its repayments?” Every syllable that Nia spoke was filled with shock, shock and malice. Just as you could hear the smile in Lexa’s voice, so to could you hear the elder woman’s teeth bared in a fierce snarl. Alexandria basked in the image of the other’s shock and anger, it gave her such a pleasant warmth. She hadn’t realised just how deeply she despised this woman, and how satisfying it was to provoke such a response within her. Lexa decided she had time to play this game, a little bit longer.

“Nia, I do realise that we were headed in that direction and again I really am sorry for the sudden change of plans. (She really wasn’t) With all respect though, you and I both know that you don’t really want to be involved in the business of this hospital, it isn’t, well it isn’t really your area of expertise is it? I am happy to be able to send to you a proposed outline of how your money will be returned to you, like I said before, we are more than happy to do that quickly as you suggested before. I can only hope that in repaying the loan in so short a time will help you with whatever other plans you have for that money.”  
In truth there was some part of these plans that were purely theoretical, Lexa was playing a very dangerous game, never before had she gambled with money that she couldn’t afford to lose, but it was the only way. Lexa was trusting that she, with others' help, could make this work.

“But where have you got the money from?!” Nia’s words were furious and she pronounced every word with ice in her tone. “The hospital barely has the funds to continue operations, let alone paying off their debts, and I know that you…”  
Nia stopped herself short, which she certainly needed to do, not before Lexa had noticed her slip up however. The brunette could have finished the sentence for Nia, but there was no need. Still, this was the first time that Lexa had been so close to having her suspicions confirmed. From the very beginning of her dealings with Nia Lexa had suspected that the older woman’s business practices were far from being above board. Nia always seemed to know a little too much, always too many steps ahead. Insider trading was the very least of her suspicions, fearing that some of Nia’s secrets were very much darker indeed.  
“Nia I understand fully your concerns about the hospital. I can assure you that I have every intention of making sure that _Arkadia General_ continues to provide the highest level of care for its patients. I also understand the pressing need to keep up with their debts to you, I will send over to you some of my propositions and you can see for yourself that I have considered both fully.

Nia’s voice had never contained an ounce of civility, however when she next spoke you would have considered all that had come before to be the model of affability. Her words dripped with malice and cruelty, the depths of her resentment fully displayed.  
“Look here Miss Woods, I know that you think yourself very clever indeed, but I can promise you that you are not. You will pay in full for this mistake, I will make you suffer in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. You think that business with Cosita hurt? Well you won’t even remember her name by the time I’m through with you, you…

“It’s very regrettable Nia, that whilst I would enjoy continuing this conversation with you, it is after all Christmas day, and I have many more pressing matters that I need to attend to. Please if you would like to follow up on any of those sentiments, you have of course got my email and you can perhaps write some of these thoughts down?”

“You foolish bitch. I have always despised you, but I thought you wiser than this. Never thought you were arrogant enough to make an enemy of me. Mark my words…”

“Ok, Nia, you take care now, I really must go. I’d just like to say one more time, I do hope you have a Merry Christmas, and I really look forward to all that the New Year will bring.”

Lexa did not allow Nia to respond, but hung up immediately. She also made sure to stop the recorder on her phone, she wouldn’t want it running indefinitely, yet she felt certain it was more than prudent to record all her interactions with Nia as thoroughly as possible. She smiled to herself, Nia I promise I will make this next year one that you never forget.

Lexa had many misgivings about her plans, she knew full well the risks that she was taking, however she didn’t allow herself to dwell on them currently. No, she was allowing herself to enjoy this moment, for once. She basked in the glory of that conversation, delighted at the evident anger that she provoked from her nemesis. The smile filled her face, one of immense self-satisfaction, slowly though the smile changed and a softening affected her face, her eyes becoming immeasurably more dreamy. Lexa was just thinking about her next stop for the day, her meeting with Clarke. She hoped indeed that her good mood was just about to get even better.

In the office area of the residential house, Lexa paced back and forth. It was 1:45 now, pretty much all her plans were in place, the dinner was scheduled for 3 and the communal areas looked absolutely amazing. Now she was beginning to feel very nervous indeed. She had been trying extremely hard not to let her imagination get the better of her, not to allow her feelings to overwhelm her common sense...she was beginning to fail. She couldn’t help but dwell on the looks that she had shared with Clarke that day, savouring the kiss that had momentarily joined the two of them together. Contrary to her usual self-possession she had completely allowed her fantasies to run wild. Don’t get the wrong idea, they weren’t explicit...well they weren’t only explicit. But she was far more enthralled by the possibility of sharing life together with that beautiful doctor. She pictured her apartment filled with photos of shared adventures, just like the ones she had seen Christmas morning at the Griffins'. She imagined nights curled on the sofa watching awful films and laughing together, (she would need to buy said tv first…) She imagined seeing that face filled with pride, as it had been earlier that day, pride that she will have caused, how good that would feel. _Lexa pull yourself together woman, your becoming a complete mess. This is the right thing to do, regardless. Calm down, breath, and don’t go expecting things that might never happen._ Much as she tried to talk herself down, her soul was on fire with hope, Clarke might just be within her reach.

 

Clarke was still shaken from almost witnessing a horrific RTA with the woman who she was now leading by the arm back into the hospital. Maya had a few little scratches, but other than suffering a little from the shock she was completely fine. Actually it seemed as though the incident had brought her back to her senses. 

“What would poor Jasper and Amanda do without me? Clarke? Can you imagine what would have happened if that woman hadn’t saved me?”  
Clarke felt as though she didn’t really need to imagine what would happen, she felt that she had almost witnessed exactly what would have happened in her dreams the night before. Yet, none of that had come to pass, everything was changed. And why was it changed? It was changed because of _her_ because she came and changed it. Clarke felt a giddy kind of excitement overtaking her. 

“Maya, I’m so glad you're safe, but you are right, you really need to take better care of yourself. If not for your sake, then for Jasper and Amanda. Remember though, you are precious too, not just what you do for them. You need to come with Jasper to this Christmas lunch, you need to spend some time allowing yourself to be happy again.”  
The smallest smile twitched on Maya’s lips, and for the first time Clarke felt that she actually had managed to finally get through to her.  
They found Jasper by Amanda’s bedside and the couple shared a sweet reunion. Jasper obviously distraught at not being there when his wife had needed him, but thankful to Clarke that she had delivered her safely.

“Honestly Jasper, I can’t accept your thanks, they belong to Miss Woods, she saved Maya. If you come later you can thank her yourself.”  
With that she left the couple, still embracing and staring lovingly down at their beautiful little girl. It was a lovely picture, and Clarke lingered for a moment just to watch them all together.

Her enjoyment of that family picture was cut short when her phone began buzzing incessantly in her pocket. When she got it out she realised that she’d had no fewer than 10 missed calls, almost equally divided between her Mum and Raven. Clarke could easily guess what they were in relation to. She checked her voicemail for confirmation;

“Clarke, why the hell won’t you pick up, thought your shift was finished already! Look I don’t want to worry you, but I had the strangest encounter with Alexandria Woods after I left you. Honestly I can’t make heads nor tails of it, but regardless I am going to be back there later, whatever she has planned I’m not letting you go through it on your own. Mamma Griffin is not well pleased either, so, well you know, you’ve been warned. I might be a little late though, I’ve got to let the girlfriend know, I wouldn’t want to get in her bad books today of all days.”

“Clarke, what did I tell you about that woman? Have you been with her today? Do you have any idea what is going on? I’ve had multiple calls from people at the hospital about her presence, something going on in the housing block. So help me Clarke, if she is about to pour salt on our wounds...I can’t promise I will be able to hold myself back. You better be there for this unscheduled meeting, and you better know whose side you are on as well. Your Dad has insisted he comes too, apparently I can’t be trusted on my own.”

Clarke was somewhat amused by her Mum and Raven’s response. Though she didn’t feel quite confident enough not to feel apprehensive about what was about to happen. Still, she couldn’t help her oncoming excitement, her anticipation building. From all she had witnessed that day, something drastic had changed in Lexa. It was not as though it were fully unexpected, for Clarke felt it was confirming what she had always seen underneath. Yet, she had begun to doubt, now that there was this new spark of hope, it had set her world ablaze. She was nervous, but only because she felt that she was closer than ever before to getting everything she wished for.

Clarke met her Mum and Dad outside and they made their way to the meeting together. Luckily for Clarke Jake was in distraction mode, and he kept the conversation wonderfully light, not allowing Abby to give voice to her seething rage. Clarke looked at her mother, swallowing hard, she hoped against hope that she wouldn’t mess this up.  
Finally they arrived outside the small office, where they knew Miss Woods would be waiting for them, they tried once to contact Raven, just in case she was nearby, but when they failed to reach her they all decided it would be better not to keep the businesswomen waiting. Clarke knocked tentatively on the door.

“Please, come in.” Came Lexa’s voice from inside the room. Was it Clarke’s imagination or did Lexa sound less stiff and formal in those few words. They all proceeded into the office and were stunned by the warm welcome that they received.

“Merry Christmas!” Lexa offered with her hand outstretched offering each of them a warm handshake. “Merry Christmas, I am sorry to interrupt your day in this manner, but honestly I hope it won’t be unwelcome by the time i’m finished. Merry Christmas, you must be Mr Griffin, it is very nice to meet you sir.”  
Abby face was a picture of shock, certainly it was her great surprise which had given Lexa the opportunity to shake her hand, otherwise the woman would most certainly have refused to receive the welcome.

Unfortunately, Abby recovered quickly from her shock and decided that she would take the opportunity to let Lexa know exactly what she had been thinking ever since Raven had come in Christmas morning and turned her plans completely upside down.

“Look, I’ve always known you think yourself something special, that you think us mere mortals should fall at your feet and worship you as though you were some high commander before us all...but really! Christmas day? You call me in here as though I am so sort of puppet to which you are pulling the strings...really I have a mind to..”  
Jake had turned to his wife and pulled her to his side with one arm, it was a loving gesture but still had the desired effect of momentarily stopping the woman from continuing on her aimless rant.

“Hey honey, how about we let this young lady speak, perhaps she has a better idea of why we’re all gathered here, of all places, on Christmas day.” He winked at Lexa and hugged Abby tighter still. The consternation on Abby’s face was amusing to everyone present, his interruption had managed to dampen the rising tension in the room.

“Thank you Mr Griffin..”

“Please, call me Jake.” Another beaming smile, and another opportunity to see where Clarke got her easygoing charm from.

“Thank you...Jake. As I said before I do understand that this is highly irregular, and I regret that it had interrupted your celebrations. My hope is that, when I have finished, you will consider this to have been part of the celebrations of the day, rather than a suspension of them.”  
Abby scoffed loudly, indicating that she thought it highly unlikely that this would be the case, but Lexa continued unperturbed. 

“I understand that over the last few days and months, I have made a few errors in judgement. I do not wish to go into details as to why those plans were made, only to add that they were done with the fate of this hospital in mind. That being said, I failed to consider the implications to people thoroughly enough, which I regret.”

“Well if you regret it...that makes it all better.” Abby muttered sarcastically. Clarke looked at her mother with exasperation, she could be so childish sometimes. Honestly couldn’t she hold it in until the woman had finished speaking? Clarke herself had barely been able to find her voice, since she entered the room, such was the power that the admirable women before her held. She was glad that Jake had more presence of mind than she did, though at this point she became annoyed enough with her mother to speak.

“Mum, can you please, just shut up for a moment.”  
Abigail Griffin was not at all pleased by her daughter’s admonition, however yet another gentle squeeze from her husband and a gentle rubbing on he shoulder seemed to be enough to prevent an argument. 

Lexa was visibly glad of the help in placating the irate chief of medicine, she smiled warmly at Jake and she cleared her throat slightly before continuing. Clarke was almost certain that she heard a nervousness in Lexa’s voice, she found it extremely disarming. 

“..Yes…well like I said I felt that it was important to correct the mistakes that I have made rather than continuing in error. The news may perhaps have reached you from other sources, but I have taken the liberty of reopening the family residence, as of today. Further to that I have invited all those involved with the children’s ward, to a Christmas lunch at 3, if they so wish to attend.”  
Lexa’s eyes did not for one moment leave Clarke’s face, as if it were only the two of them together. She was ever so gently biting her bottom lip, the smallest expression of the nervousness that she was feeling. Clarke had already gathered most of this information from her visits to the children’s ward and yet hearing it confirmed through the gentle tones of that beautiful voice made it feel like a fresh revelation.

“I apologise for not informing you before I announced this decision, however, I felt sure that as you have both expressed your discontent with the closure, I felt confident that I would have your approval in this matter.”  
At this point Lexa raised her eyebrows in a questioning look which she turned upon Abby, evidently inviting any comments that she may have to her statement.

Abby’s eyes flitted about the room, thinking fast, trying to absorb the information. She was unsure how to respond but finally she managed to muster, “Well obviously it would be helpful for me to be involved in decisions regarding this hospital, _before_ they happen. But you are correct in thinking that I wouldn’t try to stop this from happening, it does have my support.”

“I understand completely Chief Griffin, and I can assure you that in the future I won’t be making decisions without prior consultation with you. As you may have guessed this was one of my motivations for bringing you here this afternoon.”

Clarke was looking between Lexa and her mother, trying to ascertain how this conversation was going. Jake appeared to be doing exactly the same thing and when their eyes met he gave her another little wink. Apparently Jake thought this was going very well indeed.  
“I have made it clear before now what an enormous financial pressure this hospital is under. Even with my considerable resources I am unable to fix these troubles without help. Furthermore I am concerned that there may still be attempts to purchase some of the buildings in order that they may be used as development opportunities.”

Clarke listened with growing interest, in all the conversations she’d had with Lexa never before had she seemed as forthcoming with her thoughts and concerns. Clarke wasn’t completely unaware of the problems facing the hospital, but she now had a feeling that she was unaware of just how serious the problems were. Clarke knew how shrewd a businesswomen Miss Woods was, her research had spoken volumes about her capabilities. So Clarke knew that she would not have reopened anything, not without a plan.

“So what are you suggesting then, as a more permanent solution?” 

Lexa gave Clarke her most piercing stare as she asked her question, and then a soft smile spread across her face.  
“Actually Dr Griffin, it is your suggestion, not mine.”

Clarke looked completely perplexed, she wracked her brain trying to remember when she had made any suggestions relating to business at all.

“I have taken the liberty of beginning a new charity, one that exists separately from the hospital. It goes without saying that there is much still to be done, but, the charity will take on the responsibility of running the accommodation. My hope is that through its charitable efforts we can invest more substantially in our care for the families we serve. Perhaps in the future this charity might be able to help other hospitals do the same.”

Clarke swallowed, her eyes wide. She recalled the conversation of two nights hence, she had mentioned the role that charities might play. She had never imagined that this suggestion would be taken to such lengths.

“I have spoken to some of my associates in other businesses about whether they feel that this might be something that they are able to support. Obvious with tax deductibles they are often on the lookout for good causes to champion and the positive publicity that they would receive has meant that already we have been promised substantial commitments.”

Abby, who had been silent for some time now gaped open mouthed at Alexandria, she was blinking far more than usual as well. Clarke thought she was trying to wake herself up, that she couldn’t quite grasp this as reality. Jake was no longer holding her firmly into his side either, truth be told he no longer needed to. He didn’t look as shocked as his wife, but he was surveying the brunette with a very keen interest. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t really think I am following, when has all this happened, why, why have you done this?” Abby’s voice was now filled with tenderness, all the anger melted away. Clearly though she was struggling to understand.

“My motives are my own (her eyes momentarily flickered to Clarke), and there is still much work to be done this is only the first tentative footsteps, there will be many challenges. One challenge which I would like to address head on, is the public facing side of the charity.”  
At this the brunette paused, and she visibly tensed, obviously feeling more discomfort now than she had previously. Her eyes dropped and looked more to the area around Clarke’s feet than where they had previously been making eye contact.

“I do not think that I possess the necessary skills to front the charity, it would be better suited to someone who is naturally gifted with people, who is very personable, and puts people at ease...to my mind it seems it would also be helpful for them to be familiar with the medical profession, therefore giving them an air of credibility.  
Alexandria’s nervous behaviour was increasing, which Clarke found more and more charming, yet she couldn’t understand what the cause really was. She caught her father’s eye. Jake was now sporting a particularly stupid grin and his attention was solely focused upon Clarke. Clarke looked from him to Lexa, still not really fathoming what was going on. _Does he know something I don’t?_

“Obviously this cannot be my decision, and it will be entirely up to you if this goes ahead. I will always be on hand to assist with business decisions and the financial complexities, all the places where I can be of good use. But I have set the charity up in another’s name, indeed I’ve given the whole complex a new name…”  
At this point Lexa finally managed to bring her eyes from their study of the floor tiles, and she brought them to meet those captivating blue eyes.  
“...I’ve taken the liberty of naming it Griffin House.”

Clarke looked fixedly at her mother, she never anticipated that Lexa would give the chief of medicine even more roles, and to be honest she wasn’t entirely sure whether her Mum always had the most natural people skills. She supposed they were better than Lexa’s, in fact she was sure they were, but to be able to be the public face, gathering in support for the charity. She wasn’t really sure she could see it.  
But Abby Griffin was not looking at Lexa, indeed nobody was now looking to businesswoman, all eyes were turned to her, expectantly. It was then that it dawned on Clarke what they were all thinking.

“You can’t possibly mean me?” Clarke managed weakly. “I mean, I don’t think, I mean you can’t possibly think I’d be able to do this sort of thing?”

“I can’t think of anyone better.” Lexa’s voice was soft and deep, as though it contained many more words than that which she was giving voice to. “You convinced me, and you will convince others of the need to provide for people. You are a natural leader Clarke, people automatically look to you, you take charge where others shrink back. You are loved wherever you go...I could go on, but in short, there is nobody who could do a better job. The question is, are you willing to do it, will you help me accomplish this?”

 

Lexa had now got to the part of the day she was most concerned about. She had made all the plans, she had started gathering support and actually all was looking quite feasible. But she knew that she would have to let somebody else in. She needed skills she didn’t possess, and though she hated to relinquish control she knew that without doing so it was sure to fail. She was terrified of asking Clarke, afraid that she would reject the offer, that she wouldn’t be able to stomach working with her in this. Still, this was the only way, this was her opportunity and she needed to be brave and take it.  
Lexa looked fixedly at Clarke, awaiting her response, she was holding her breath, completely at the blonde’s mercy. She was sure that Clarke would be able to read in her expression just how much she needed her. The silence stretched out before them, nobody daring to break it. Finally Abby spoke into the stillness.

“Well Clarke? Obviously you’d need to balance it with your duties, but what do you think?”

“I suppose, if you were to help me, and if you think that it would be something that I could do...then I trust you.”  
Clarke spoke as though there were only she and Lexa in the room, her blue eyes never leaving green.

Lexa smiled, and her smile was so much more warm and genuine than she’d shown before. She felt a happiness bubble up inside her that was spilling out where all could see it.  
“Clarke, thank you, that’s very good news. Now let me discuss some more of the particulars…”

Lexa spoke at length about various different things, Clarke wasn’t entirely sure how much of the information she really took in, she was still reeling from what Lexa had done. She listened attentively however and tried to ask any questions that she could think of. It was very clear that there would be many more talks, many more questions to consider. But for now the future was looking an awful lot brighter than this same time yesterday. Lexa had many more things to speak about, however noises began to grow from the adjoining rooms. Lexa realised that the guests had started arriving for their Christmas lunch, the business would have to wait, people were expecting them.  
Lexa excused herself and told Jake, Abby and Clarke that they could go over the papers at their leisure, but that for now, they needed to celebrate Christmas, whether they chose to do that here, or at home. Truth be told, Lexa wanted nothing more than to stay in that room with Clarke, but she had people to welcome, and luckily with Clarke agreeing to her proposals they would soon be working together much more closely. If nothing else was to happen between them, that thought alone was enough to make Lexa sigh contentedly.

The dining area was so beautifully decorated, it was absolutely astounding what the volunteers had managed to accomplish in such a short time that morning. As parents and children arrived they ooooh’d and aaaaaah’d at the twinkling lights and beautifully dressed tree. The children were excited to see the tables beautifully set out, with clothes of red green and gold and piled high with Christmas Crackers.  
The invitation had certainly been well received and though Alexandria had been worried that potentially nobody would come, but her fears were certainly unfounded, they were soon almost at capacity. Quite a number of the nurses had chosen to stay on beyond the end of their shifts to to see what was going on. True to their word they had also managed to escort those young patients who were able to leave the ward to come here and celebrate with their families.  
Very quickly the radio had been turned on and people were chatting with one another, the room filled with the glorious noises of people relaxed and enjoying themselves. Lexa couldn’t help but feel relieved, she was tired from the days endeavours, not to mention the nighttime visitations. But it was a wonderfully happy tiredness, one she was glad to be able to enjoy. 

“Well I wasn’t expecting this!” Raven’s loud voice still discernible amidst all the chatter. She was leaning over so that Clarke might whisper into her ear. Whatever she was hearing appeared to be pleasing the young engineer. Clarke to looked as though she were retelling a very happy story. Lexa would have liked to know what exactly passed between them but she was content that all present were enjoying themselves.  
Crackers popping filled the air, and soon many jokes and riddles were being shared, everyone looking that bit more festively ridiculous with their paper hats in place. Lexa was stood slightly apart from everyone, though she was clearly enjoying the scene. 

“Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?...” A very familiar voice asked Lexa. “...a mince spy!” Anya laughed at the awful Cracker joke and pulled Lexa in for a hug.

“Merry Christmas Lex! I just can’t believe what you’ve done, this is absolutely amazing!”

“Anya? What are you even doing here? Don’t get me wrong I’m so happy to see you, Merry Christmas! But still, how did you even find out about all this.” Lexa was overwhelmed to see her friend and she returned Anya’s hug with a tenderness she had never given her before.

“Well about that...I’ve come as a plus one.”  
Lexa looked around quickly, “Oh my goodness it’s someone here, where is he? Come on Anya, don’t keep me waiting?”

“Well...about that Lexa, I might have said _he_ but I was pretty determined to surprise you, there actually is no _he_.”  
Lexa was very slow on the uptake, but then we need to consider just how tired she was.

“Actually, I believe you’ve already met _her_...Hey Rae, come on over let me properly introduce you.”  
You could have knocked Lexa over with a feather, this was all so unexpected. Raven sidled up to Anya her hands instantly wrapping around her waist and her cheeks nuzzling into Anya’s neck. The dirty blonde giggled and was obviously enjoying the affection and Lexa’s shock. She lifted Ravens face to her own and planted a soft kiss on her lips.

“Lexa, this is my girlfriend Raven, Raven this is my best friend Lexa.”  
Raven could barely stop looking at Anya, but she did find the time to fix Alexandria with her most mischievous grin.

“So sexy Lexy” Raven teased “You’re not the only one full of surprises today are you? By the way, I get the feeling that Clarke reeeeally wants to talk to you.”  
Raven waggled her eyebrows suggestively, but that was all the attention that she could spare and she settled back into kissing Anya, leading her back to the table where they were eating, the couple obviously deeply happy to have each other.

Lexa was happy to see Anya so enraptured, it was certainly new. Anya often kept her distance even when she was dating, but she was quite clearly head over heels. Lexa was delighted to see that the same could obviously be said for her partner, they just looked beautiful together, they fitted perfectly.  
The green eyes scanned the gathered people, who were now tucking into some gorgeous food Denai had quite clearly outdone herself, Lexa could not have been more delighted. As they moved through the courses families hugged one another and took lots of pictures. Everybody seemed to be having a wonderful time. Even Jasper and Maya were there together, enjoying the food and time together without the usual stress. It couldn’t have been more perfect if she had tried.  
Clarke was now busily talking to the Ranger family, all 5 of them each trying to get a little of Clarke’s attention, particularly little Timmy, who was sat upon Clarke’s knee and playing with a plastic frog he’d found in his cracker. The little boy giggled uproariously when he managed to make it hop across the table, even more so when Clarke started croaking like a frog. Clarke was never more radiant than at that moment, sharing in this joyous occasion with others. Lincoln and Octavia both laughed and nodded as Clarke regaled them with some tale or joke. Lexa’s heart fluttered, she could watch that woman all day.

“Raven’s right that she wants to talk to you, she’s pretty desperate actually”  
Anya had once again found Lexa’s side.

“So you and the cocky engineer hey?”

“Lexa, honestly I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Goodness I didn’t even know I was capable of such feelings before her. I know it’s not been long but i’ve never been more sure of a person in my life.”

Lexa smiled at her besotted friend, and she assured her that she was very glad for her. Even though Raven might not be her biggest fan, from all she observed she was a wonderful person and certainly deserving of her friend’s esteem. The connection that they shared was obvious, Lexa was just hoping that she might be able to improve Raven's first opinion of her.

“I know it’s sudden, I know it’s too soon, but I can’t help myself. Lexa I’ve bought a ring, i’m going to ask her to marry me. I don’t want to wait, she is absolutely the one for me.”

Lexa's eyes widened, shocked that her friend was ready to take such a huge step, especially given how casual her previous relationships had been. There was also just the slightest trace of sadness, that the relationship had got to this stage and yet she was only just meeting her. Yet it stiffened her resolve again, she would be a better friend to Anya, she might not have been there before, but she would certainly be there now. So instead of shock, she allowed her to feel excitement for what her friend and found, and how evidently it delighted her. 

“Anya, that’s really lovely, if she’s managed to make you feel this strongly, well, I’m sure there must be something special at play.”  
Lexa was happy for her friend, she was happy that she was here. She would support her no matter what. Lexa let Anya know all those things, and many more things that she ought to have already told her. She was determined that this fresh opportunity would be transformative in more ways than simply her work.

Lexa left the party, to thank those who had provided the wonderful meal, and let them know just how grateful she was. They all received her praise warmly, and they all continued to assure Lexa that it had been their pleasure to help this minor miracle occur. The brunette continued to be surprised by the amount of goodwill she already had from so many people, it lightened her heart. As she made her way back to the assembly she was intercepted by Clarke.

“Lexa, please, just give me a moment, I don’t think I can wait any longer to talk to you.”  
Clarke did look rather wild, you could see on her face the simmering emotions that were threatening to boil over. It was if her heart were ready to burst unless she was given the opportunity to release what she felt inside. Lexa just stared adoringly into those eyes, too tired to even attempt at hiding her deep regard and longing.

“Lexa I just wanted to apologise for how i’ve treated you. I want to apologise for accusing you of being heartless.” Lexa tried to shush Clarke “No Lex you must allow me to say this. You must let me tell you how thankful I am for all you’ve done. I will never ever be able to do enough to let you know my feelings. What you have accomplished here today, it is beyond my wildest dreams. I could never be capable of something as wonderful as this, yet you, you do everything so effortlessly. You, you are the most amazing person that I have ever met. Just please forgive me for what I said, I can hardly think about what i’ve said to you, I regret it so much, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Lexa held both of Clarke’s hands and looked lovingly into those deep blue eyes. “You don’t need to apologise Clarke, what did you say at me that I did not deserve. I cannot think about my actions without feeling shame and regret. I have shut myself off from feelings for so long, I have ignored the plight of my fellow human, I have been getting steadily worse...and all these things...well I would still be struggling with them if it were not for you. You have brought me back to life my most lovely Clarke. You have made me long for life and love, in a way I though I never would again. You opened up my eyes to the truth of what I was doing, but you also offered me hope that I could be more. Nobody has ever believed in me the way that you did. I adore everything that you are, and I will spend every moment of my life endeavouring to be worthy of your esteem.”

Upon hearing these words, Clarke became undone, unable to restrain herself any more. She pulled Lexa’s arms and brought their lips together, capturing the taste that she had long been hungry for. Lexa moaned deeply, hungrily and she deepened the intensity of their kiss. In that moment there was nothing else, just the two of them exploring one another with tongue and teeth and hands. They kissed until they were breathless, and as they parted just far enough to take breath they stared at each other.

“Merry Christmas Lexa.” Clarke offered.

“Merry Christmas Clarke.” Lexa peppered kisses down Clarke’s exposed neck.

“Lexa, I know this is sudden, but I have nothing to give you, and you’ve done so much this Christmas, I really want to give you something...I don’t suppose you’d accept me in place of a gift this year.”

Lexa exploded with joy. “Baby all I want for Christmas, is you.” That night they returned to Lexa’s apartment, and they both had the best Christmas night they had ever experienced.


	19. A Death and A Wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, this really is it, the ending. 
> 
> It's a significant shift away from the Christmas Carol format, but just to give some space so that we could really get more of the closure that we deserved.
> 
> I have attempted a slightly sexier bit...I'm sorry if it reads awfully. I hope in time I can maybe get a little bit better with this, but most people would call me awfully prudish...I don't mean to be I'm just...a bit rubbish with that sort of stuff. Still hopefully it doesn't make your toes curl and at least hints as to the relationship that they enjoy together. If you guys have any advice regarding that sort of thing, let me know I want to learn.
> 
> So yeah, I really hope you guys enjoy it. I can't believe I actually managed to do it.  
> See notes at the end for what comes next for me...

Epilogue.

The last year of her life had quite frankly been the best. Lexa had spent a fair bit of time imagining what life with Clarke would be like, but nothing had even come close to how wonderful it was. Clarke was everything to her and more.

The beautiful blonde’s arms were currently wrapped around her waist, her body pressed against her back perfectly cupping her in a sleepy embrace. She could feel soft sweet breaths warming her neck, wow, she loved waking up next to this woman.  
As usual Lexa was the first to awaken, but she didn’t jump out of bed as had always been her practice in the past, now she loved to linger under the duvet, drinking in those special moments with _her_ Clarke. She slowly turned that she could gaze at her sleeping beauty, she always looked so perfectly peaceful, that peace was contagious too. She sighed and pressed the softest of kisses onto her lips. Clarke was a heavy sleeper and so she knew that she could get away with a few chaste kisses without disturbing her.  
Lexa slowly disentangled herself from Clarke’s limbs and got out of bed, it was always her custom to workout a while before her day began, helped her accomplish more throughout the day if she’d started off with some hard work. She made her way upstairs to the home gym that used to be her favourite room in the house. It wasn’t her favourite room any longer, not now the whole house had been made a home. The walls once bare of any interest were covered in pictures, mainly of her and Clarke, yet not only them. There were pictures of her and Anya and Gustus. Pictures of Clarke with Raven. Lexa particularly loved the picture of her and Jake. They were stood, him in a grey suit and her in black pinstripes, both with an almost identical look on their faces. Both looking towards their beautiful companions. Clarke and her mother were holding hands and facing one another, obviously caught sharing some joke and both mid laugh. That had been taken at the charity ball they had planned 3 months before, Lexa had never seen Clarke look as magnificent as that night, she truly deserved her _princess_ moniker. All these photos represented a year of happy memories, all of them portraying how thoroughly Clarke had changed her life. But it was not just the photographs, artwork now hung on the wall. Wherever they visited Clarke was always dragging Lexa around art galleries and to art fairs and many of the purchases they had made now brought swathes of colours into the different rooms. Lexa liked the artwork Clarke had bought, but they always paled in comparison to Clarke’s own contributions, Lexa thought her artwork was simply sublime and whenever they had people over to visit she couldn’t stop herself from bragging about her lover's artistic accomplishments.

Even the gym hadn’t been spared a makeover by Clarke, Lexa was the more enthusiastic user, but she had persuaded the blonde to join her in there more frequently. Anya and Raven said that their couples workout routines were disgusting.But who cares what they thought anyway? Clarke had insisted on putting up ridiculous motivational posters, there is no way that Lexa would ever have put them up before...but Clarke just had to give her that little pouty face and up went the stupid cat poster with the slogan _Pawsitive Cattitude_ it was so stupid and the brunette really wanted to hate them...but they were so Clarke, she just couldn’t stop smiling whenever she saw them.  
Lexa put in her headphones and got to work, pushing herself to her limits as usual, she would never stop enjoying her workouts, they gave her a great place to think. Clearing her mind of all the rubbish that filled it up and just giving space for her to reflect on everything that she needed to do. 

Though this year had been by far the best, it had also been one of the most challenging of her life. The charity she had made and in which Clarke was now acting as CEO had not been plain sailing. There were many times where Lexa had really believed that she would have no other choice than to file for bankruptcy, it was deeply stressful for her. She had always been worried that it was beyond her capabilities, and in many respects she had been correct, had she not had Clarke by her side, she would never have succeeded. Without fail, when the businesswomen was about to fall to pieces, her partner would come and put her back together. She would wrap herself around her whilst she sat at her desk, she would massage her shoulders and nibble at her neck, she would whisper softly into her ear just how amazing she thought she was. She would offer such words of comfort, that Lexa was never allowed to doubt herself for very long. Knowing that Clarke believed her capable of solving any problem gave her all the motivation that she needed to get the job done.  
A little more vexing problem to begin with had been Abby’s response to their relationship. Obviously her and Alexandria hadn’t got off to the best start, but her objection to their relationship seemed deeper than that. Lexa suspected that perhaps she had always hoped Clarke would end up with a man, and from the very start of their courtship it was obviously that presumption was in question, it was serious from the start. Jake had been nothing but supportive, and Lexa quite simply adored him, it was lucky that feeling was mutual. Lexa had spent the majority of her life with no father figures around, but now with Jake, and her increased intimacy with Anya (and therefore Gustus) she now had two men in her life that filled that role. She never would have  
known that she missed that sort of relationship, yet now the place was filled, she couldn’t imagine living her life without the support they offered. Undoubtedly she needed people like she never had before in her life, but now she found that rather than making he weaker, as she had always thought it would, actually she was much stronger a person because of it. She had been able to do things that she had never dreamt possible through this year, all because of the people who now enriched her life.

Her proudest accomplishment this year, well professionally speaking anyway, was her complete annihilation of her nemesis, Nia Quinn. Nia had also been her biggest struggle as the year had begun.  
Perhaps Lexa should not have baited her quite as much as she had, that Christmas morning a year ago. Nia was emboldened by her rage and practically engaged in all out war with the hospital. Contracts that had been promised to the hospital were withdrawn, every time they tried to tender for new contracts they were unceremoniously withdrawn from contention for it. There were increased instances of seriously unruly patients, all who had a similar background and feel to them.  
Every way she had tried to manoeuvre she had been blocked, the frustrating thing for Lexa was knowing who was responsible and yet still not managing to prevent the damage from spreading.  
Eventually Alexandria had given up on playing by the rules, not that she would ever get herself on the wrong side of the law of course, but she knew that many of the Nia’s actions would never seen the light of day in a courtroom, even though there was more than enough evidence of her corruption. Lexa began leaking whatever information she could find to the press. This included tape recordings of her phone calls which were definitely not fit for public consumption. The huge increase in negative publicity did not stop _Venture Azgeda_ but it certainly did an awful lot to slow them down. While they were fighting for their reputation there were certainly a lot less negative things going on at the hospital. Still, it wasn’t what she wanted. Lexa wanted to permanently remove Nia from the equation, she wanted to make sure that she didn’t have the power to continue to be a thorn in the hospital’s side.  
It was quite by accident that Lexa ended up stumbling onto the solution to her problem. Lexa had take for granted that Nia used illegal tactics in her dealings and she wasn’t at all surprised when she discovered extremely close ties to organised crime. As always Nia managed to keep herself distant enough to be able to avoid prosecution, a fact which kept annoying Lexa greatly. That was until Lexa found an article in which the eldest son of Dante Wallace had been tried and convicted of money laundering. The _Maunde_ gang was infamous for their ruthless behaviour but generally they were very well covered, just like Nia, safety from prosecution. It had been Clarke who had first mentioned how shocked she was that he had been caught, and that they had managed to make a conviction stick. All this had piqued Lexa’s curiosity and so she had looked into the matter in depth. What Lexa found surprised even her, the evidence that was presented and the way that Cage was brought into custody could lead to only one conclusion. Someone very high in _Venture Azgeda_ had gone out of their way to cooperate with the police in their enquiries.  
Obviously this was not the sort of information that Lexa had been looking for, though it suggested that Nia was involved with the gang the only real connection that she could establish was that they handed information over to the police. No, it was not what Lexa wanted to find, but it had still been extremely useful.  
Lexa had made lots and lots of connections within the press, partly because of her war against Nia, but more so because Clarke was so good at schmoozing the press and getting lots of positive articles about the hospital and her charity. Now Lexa saw a golden opportunity. It wasn’t her proudest moment, nor could she honestly say that it was the most moral decision she had made in her life, but then sometimes needs must.

> **NIA QUIN TAKES ON THE MOUNTAIN**

The news hit the headlines of nearly every major paper, of course it heralded Nia as a hero of justice, that she had singlehandedly taken on the _Maude_ and that her bravery should be celebrated. Lexa knew she would never be able to prove that the only reason she was able to help the police was because of her being neck deep in all their evil machinations.  
But Lexa didn’t need to worry, she didn’t need to do another thing, that very same day, Nia set off on her holidays packed her bags and fled the country. Obviously Dante Wallace and the _Maunde_ had not taken kindly to her betrayal. The brunette wondered if perhaps she had gone too far, if maybe she had stepped over some line. At another point in her life those worries may have consumed her, eaten away at her thoughts. This time however, she shared her concerns with Clarke.

“That bitch deserves everything she gets.”  
That sentiment was not only offered by Clarke but Raven, Anya, Octavia and Abby all whom Clarke called upon to support the woman that she loved. Lexa had smiled, satisfied that if it didn’t bother the woman that she loved, then it certainly wasn’t going to bother her either.

Roan, Nia’s son had taken over the business and he was extremely different from his mother. Lexa had wasted no time in flying to their headquarters to meet with him. Roan was a good leader, with strong ideas, but he lacked some experience. He was happy to have Lexa on hand to advise him, and so suddenly _Venture Azgeda_ became a strong ally in all Lexa’s ventures.

All these thoughts were whizzing through Lexa’s brain as she pushed harder and harder on her stationary bike, sweat dripping from her forehead and thighs burning under the strenuous exertion. She often lost herself in these thoughts and in pushing her body to its limits. Her eyes were currently closed pushing through the burn that she felt.  
When she opened them the first thing she saw were pale legs, actually delicious legs that were fully on display. Clarke was wearing nothing but girl boxers and a short robe which was largely undone, just covering the assets that Lexa loved the best. Lexa bit her lip and slowly surveyed the wonderful view, starting at her toes and working up to those gorgeous blue pools she so often drowned in.

“Hey sexy, you know, I could do with working up a sweat myself?”

Obviously still fatigued by her exertions Lexa missed the suggestively raised eyebrow entirely.

“Great stuff, I’m a little wiped out, but if you put on some training gear I recon we could get out a few sets on things before we have to get ready.”

Clarke laughed, a gloriously happy chuckle.  
“Baby” she said putting her hands on the the brunette’s waist. “I was hoping, for a more fun way to work up an appetite for breakfast..”

Lexa grinned, Anya would say _like the cat who got the cream_ she didn’t hesitate another second instead catching the blonde in a passionate kiss. Clarke pulled her away from the bike and and onto the mats which they were supposed to use for abdominal workouts. This was one of the reasons Lexa loved so many more of the rooms in their house, most of them contained treasured memories of times with Clarke, some of them innocent, some of them not so very innocent.  
Clarke tugged up the hem of Lexa’s shirt, and began kissing at her abs hungrily.

“God I love how you taste after you’ve been working out…”

Lexa loved the soft husk of Clarke’s voice and was always spurred on by Clarke’s words to her, she pulled her back to her face so she could taste those lips again. Her tongue darting gently between Clarke’s parted lips. Then she traced softer kisses to her neck and behind her ears, she whispered hungrily.

“Every time I think I couldn’t want you more…Clarke…I want you so much.”

Her kisses became rougher and more needy. She particularly loved gently biting at Clarke’s neck. She could never get enough. Her words were true, that Christmas evening a year ago she had not though it possible to desire someone more. Their first encounter they had tried in vain to be soft and romantic, but in the end their self-control had not been enough and their love making had been hard and desperate. The connection between them had only grown from that point, learning the special places on each other’s bodies that elicited the most pleasure. Lexa was not alone in her longing, Clarke’s passion had grown also many nights and days this year had been spent in the delightful ecstasy of one another.

“Lexaaa,” Clarke moaned “I really need to not be covered in love bites today, much as I love what you’re doing right now.”

Lexa smiled against Clarke’s neck, knowing she was being just a tad naughty, but obviously she complied to Clarke’s wishes. Her hands traced down the soft neck and down onto her shoulders, pushing off the flimsy robe that covered her lover. Her kisses then trailed down her neck, gently this time, pausing at Clarkes collar bone which she gave some special attention. Lexa’s hands were softly caressing Clarke’s sides, occasionally flitting across her stomach and swirling around her belly button.  
Clarke was already sighing softly, delighting under the touches, but she couldn’t contain a moan as Lexa softly brushed over one nipple with her hand and claimed the other with her lips.  
Lexa would quite happily play in this way, for an awful lot longer. She loved how frustrated Clarke became, how she would moan then softly begin pleading for release. She loved knowing how wet she would find her when she finally relented. Oh, how she loved making Clarke feel on fire. 

“You know we don’t have a lot of time today my love.” Clarke said as she pushed her fingers down beneath Lexa’s underwear. “But I see you are all ready for me anyway”  
Clarke pushed two fingers deep inside Lexa and heard her satisfied moan.

“I’m not going to be ashamed by how much you turn me on Princess, I am always ready for you.”

Clarke used her thumb to add pressure to Lexa’s clit as she continued to push inside her, curling her fingers inside her lover, for which she was rewarded with further louder groans.

“I don’t want to come alone.” Lexa moaned as her hands reached for Clarke as well. Clarke knew full well that the brunette never enjoyed it quite the same unless she could hear their pleasured moans mixing together. Clarke opened her legs started quickly sliding off her remaining clothing, all the while continuing the slow rhythmic thrusting of her hands.  
When Lexa’s hands found Clarke’s heat, Clarke pressed into her deeply unable to contain her desire for contact. Lexa’s breath hitched, between Clarke grinding against her and Lexa feeling her warm wetness and slipping her fingers within her she couldn’t resist the building pressure.

“I’m sorry baby, I think I’m going to disappoint you.”

“No you're not Lexa, I’m so close too, If you let go, I’m ready when you are.”

Feeling Lexa contract against her fingers and her green eyes blown with black pupils, Clarke fell over the edge. Curling her head into Lexa neck and deeply moaning against her. Lexa grew louder as she heard Clarke’s climax, both in glorious contraction, keeping the rhythm of their fingers whilst they rode the wave of their combined orgasm.  
“Fuck…I love you so much.” They both agreed together, their voices becoming one.

“Promise me we will have time later my love?”

Lexa looked at Clarke and placed more gentle kisses on her lips. This was not as thorough as their usual encounters, and Clarke knew that rather than satiate the brunette all she had done was stoke the fire of her longings.

“Lex have you seen my dress, and you've told me how much I'm going to love yours? There is only one way this evening is going to end, this was just a little preview, now you can think of me all day and how I’m still so wet for you…”

Clarke’s sultry tone sent a shiver down Lexa’s spine, and she knew that she wouldn’t be able to think about much else that day.

“Come on baby, I’ve actually made breakfast whilst you were getting your sweat on up here.”

“You made breakfast? I thought you’d still be sleeping, we couldn’t have spent more time pleasantly engaged had I known.”

Clarke laughed, she flashed her dazzling blue eyes at Lexa, “You know we still need to eat don’t you?”

“I know there is something I would have liked to eat a lot more than breakfast.”

Clarke hit Lexa’s shoulder playfully and pulled her up from the mats, she slipped her robe back on and hoped that her lover might follow her into the showers. She didn’t need to hope, Lexa was right behind her.

After the two had shared a shower, which would’ve been much quicker had they been able to keep their hands off one another, they eventually found themselves around the island eating breakfast.

“I need to get over to my Parents’ house.” Clarke said, glancing at her watch and still chewing on a piece of toast. “Raven spent the night there…I think I probably should have too, away from distractions.”

Lexa looked up from her food a grinned smugly. “You couldn’t possibly leave me all alone in bed when we’re getting so close to our anniversary?” She pulled her bottom lip out in an affected pout. 

“Lexa, you don’t need to give the puppy dog eyes now, I’ve already stayed, but now you need to get your ass over to Anya’s and I need to go to Raven’s. I can’t believe our best friends are getting married today.” Clarke’s voice became an excited squeal as she contemplated the happy occasion.

The past year, along with everything else that had been going on, they had been planning this wedding. Actually it had been the perfect way for the couples to bond. There had been cake tasting, dress shopping picking out stationary, compiling the wedding list and hen parties. There was a wonderful split between activities that they did altogether and ones which each set of friends did together.  
Clarke was delighted to see how much closer Anya and Lex had become. There had always been a lovely warmth between them, but Lexa had proven over this last year that she would be there for Anya whenever she needed her. This was demonstrated most clearly when Raven had a little wobble and Anya had feared the worst. Lexa had taken control of the situation exactly when she needed to, creating the perfect space for the couple to sort out their misunderstanding. Clarke loved seeing how attentive Lexa was, in all sorts of ways. She had such a sharpness of mind that nothing was beneath her notice. Now that she saw the importance of investing in her relationships she was an ever thoughtful companion. Clarke did not need to ask her to do anything, instead when she was working long shifts Lexa had always been there with food, and a tidy apartment. Clarke had endeavoured to be tidier, but Lexa always found something more to do for her, and luckily Clarke stopped feeling guilty about it. That was just one of the many ways that Lexa liked to show her love.  
Alexandria’s thoughtfulness had also worked wonders with Abby Griffin. Whatever her problem with their relationship at the beginning she couldn’t help but be won over by the attentiveness of the brunette. She was always first on her feet to help clear away dishes, she never forgot a bottle of wine, or bunch of flowers when they were invited round for a meal. As far as Clarke was concerned Lexa was practical perfection and the more time they spent together the more she saw all the wonderful elements of her personality.

Lexa’s phone buzzed on the table, almost vibrating itself right off the edge. Lexa had managed to ignore the first two calls as her arms were wrapped around Clarke’s waist and her lips were busy planting many “good-bye” kisses on her neck and behind the blonde’s ears. The persistence of the caller eventually won her attention and she groaned as she had to disconnect from her worship of Clarke. Clarke merely laughed at Lexa. 

“I told you, you need to get going, I bet that’s Anya checking that you’ve left.”

Lexa answered her phone, perhaps a little too gruffly considering the special occasion.

“Anya it isn’t even 9:30 yet! I am literally headed out of the door!”

“Actually that’s not even why I’m phoning, but you better get your ass in that car now Lex, and don’t even think about giving Griff a kiss goodbye, I know the two of you.

Clarke could hear every word and she laughed. She spoke loudly so Anya could hear her.  
“Hey Ahn, I am going out the door now, I’ll see you down the aisle you lucky bride to be. No more distractions from me!” With that she grabbed her keys and she left the kitchen blowing a few air kisses Lexa’s way as she left.

“So if you aren’t hurrying me up. Then what do I owe the 4 calls that I have apparently missed this morning.” She held the phone to her ear with her shoulder and grabbed her bag and keys, no point lingering here now that her delicious distraction had left.  
“Lex, have you seen the news this morning?”

“No, I’ve been more agreeably engaged this morning, why what’s up?

“Actually maybe you should wait until you get here. Promise me Lex, you will drive straight here, don’t check your phone or answer any more calls, I really need you here today.”

Lexa chuckled, slightly baffled by her friend’s behaviour.  
“Ok Ahn, I will proceed exactly as I would have done had you not phoned be and interrupted. But I must say you’ve made it much more difficult now that I am so intrigued.”

“No radio in the car. I’ll expect you through my door in 20 mins.”

Lexa laughed once more hung up the phone and did exactly what she was told.

She pulled up to Gustus’ house, Anya had chosen to be married from her family home, just as Raven had chosen the Griffin household. As Lexa pulled up to the house she couldn’t quite believe that her best friend was getting married that day. She shook her head and smiled, Anya and Raven were going to make such a beautiful married couple, no one could be as beautiful a bride as Clarke would be, but then she was hugely biased, and they would be stunning. 

Lexa hadn’t greatly considered Anya’s phone call to her, she just assumed Anya was being funny, in some weird way that she couldn’t quite comprehend. When she came in the door the look on Anya’s face told her that something definitely wasn’t quite right.

“Anya! What’s wrong? It isn’t Raven is it? She’s not had another crisis of confidence has she.”

Anya’s hard look softened slightly, which relieved Lexa somewhat.  
“No, nothing like that, but you really ought to read the news, there’s something you ought to see. I just didn’t want you to be alone when you did.”  
Anya reached for her phone and then passed it over to Lexa, an article was open ready for her to read.

> #  Head of Venture Azgeda Murdered in Suspected Gangland Violence.
> 
> Nia Quinn, who has been missing for the past 4 months was found today in Portovenere of the Italian Riviera. Apparently she had been resident there for some time. Nia Quinn was heralded a hero in recent months for bravely giving evidence against one Cage Wallace who is thought to have been high up in the infamous and extremely dangerous _Maude_ gang.  
>  Ms Quinn was found impaled by a ceremonial spear, through her stomach. The local authorities have turned the investigation over to Interpol suspecting that this killing was in retribution for her alleged cooperation with authorities leading to Cage’s imprisonment.  
> 

The article continued for a few more paragraphs, giving a few extra details about the way the body was discovered and the possible avenues of investigation. It then detailed how Roan had taken over the company in his mother’s absence and giving his initial response to the shock of discovering his Mother’s tragic demise.

Lexa in Anya’s hallway, shock overwhelming her. Had she not known that this could happen, on some level did she not hope that Nia would never ever give her trouble again? _I as good as stabbed her myself._

“Lexa I need you to not think badly about yourself. I am sorry for letting you know, but I was worried if I didn’t you might find out anyway…I know it’s selfish of me, but I really don’t want this to ruin the day.”

Lexa shook herself of her shock, Anya and Raven were getting married today, they were soulmates, it was a once in a lifetime event. Nia Quinn wasn’t the saviour the papers claimed, she knew that she was involved in plenty of very illegal activities. Though Lexa had never connected her with anything as gruesome as murder, there was no doubt that she had been well aware of what the _Maude_ were capable of. Nia did not deserve her pity, and she had done enough damage in her life to be allowed to ruin this day too. She would not give her the satisfaction of another moment in her thoughts.

“An, don’t worry for another moment, I am completely yours today. I won’t give that bitch another thought, I promise.”  
Lexa gave her a wide genuine smile, and she pulled her into a close embrace, she whispered in her friends ear.  
“You and Raven are going to have the most wonderful day of your lives today, I’m going to make sure of it.”

Clarke arrived at her Parents’ large house. They had gone all out for this wedding. They were so happy to see Raven so fulfilled with Anya. Rae had always seemed a little flighty in relationships, well ever since she’d had such an awful time with Finn. The change within her when Anya had come along was so dramatic and so positive that you couldn’t help but be certain that these two ladies were made for each other.  
The house had been decorated for the special occasion, on top of the usual Christmas Decorations, so it looked spectacular.  
The wreath was adorned with white flowers, an ivory vail hung from it and was tied prettily with golden ribbons. The same combination of ivory and gold was draped wherever the eyes could see, and there were more flowers than Clarke had ever seen in her life before. Clarke was overwhelmed by the spectacle of it. Raven never took anything for granted she was always beyond grateful for the way that she had been adopted into the Griffin household and Clarke knew just how much all this would mean to her. Clarke had always wanted a sister growing up, she considered herself very lucky to have found one in Raven.

She entered the house and was surprised to find it all calm there was chilled music playing and her mother was just finishing putting away the breakfast things in the kitchen.

“Hey Mum, where’s the lovely bride?”

“Oh Clarke,” Abby threw her arms around Clarke in a motherly hug “I’m so excited to see those two tie the knot, it’s going to be such a beautiful day.”

As Abby pulled away Clarke could already see the tears glistening in Abby’s eyes, there was going to be plenty of happy tears shed this day she was sure. Clarke actually had to look away, or else her emotions might begin to well up like her Mum.  
“We cannot start crying yet Mum. We’ve not even started helping Raven into her wedding dress yet. Where is she?”

“I assume you are looking for me? I mean today is basically all about me isn’t it?” Raven sauntered down the staircase wearing her usual cocky smile. She was still dressed in her pyjamas which were emblazoned with the Ravenclaw coat of arms, Clarke knew they were a gift from Anya, they both loved the same kind of novelty presents, just one of the many ways that they were perfectly matched.

“I’m pretty sure today is about Anya too Rae!” Clarke said meeting her friends grin with one of her own. 

“No I’ve already asked Ahn, she’s more than happy for it to be all about me, Come on upstairs Clarke, Octavia is already up there.” Raven turned round before even reaching the bottom of the stairs and returned to her room upstairs.

Octavia had finally been pulled inexorably into their little circle, despite her having reservations about befriending her child’s doctor after the Christmas Party last year it had been seemingly inevitable. The 3 of them often joked that their friendship was like a constant in the universe, whatever may happen in any world they were always destined to be friends. It certainly seemed like fate, they all got on so well that you would never have imagine that their friendship with Octavia was actually only the product of the last year.  
They all helped one another get ready, luckily with Clarke’s artistic skills and Abby being very proficient at hair styling, they didn’t need to bring in any outside help. Even the photographs were being done by people they knew, Monty was a friend from Raven’s university days so he blended beautifully into the group. It was nice to keep this time as intimate as possible without the awkwardness of people that were unknown. They sipped on champagne and chatted excitedly about the different plans for the day, stopping at regular intervals to admire how each other looked.  
Jake was kept out of the room until they were already, though he kept shouting through the closed door so that he could feel himself part of the proceedings. Jake was the litmus test when they were all ready to get a genuine reaction to the wedding party. When they had finally got everyone perfectly appointed they shouted Jake to return downstairs so that he could see them when they were all assembled. They trooped downstairs and gathered in the living room glasses in hand.

“Daddy Griffin, you can come in now.”

Jake came into the room and his jaw dropped. He looked from Raven to the two bridesmaids and then to his wife and his open mouthed expression became the biggest possible grin. Raven was in an ivory ball gown, it had a heart neckline and was completely strapless. Made from a Chantilly lace with flower embellishments which were concentrated near the bodice becoming more sparse as they flowed down towards her train.  
Clarke and Octavia wore a similar patterned Chantilly lace, but theirs were deep v-neck sheath gowns, in a beautiful slate blue. Clarke had been very happy with Raven’s choice, especially as the colour seemed to off-set the intensity of the blue in her eyes, making them even brighter than usual. Abby wore a mocha coloured dress which was brightened by a light pink jacket, the crowning glory of course was the hat, which combined those two colours and was of a size that meant at times there was little else that anyone would see of her.

“You all look so beautiful”  
As always Jake managed to convey so much with few words, the tears welling in his eyes, and the sincere smile revealing the intensity of his feelings.

“And I get to walk you down the aisle?”  
Raven blushed gently and planted a small kiss on Jake’s cheek. Then they began another marathon session of taking photographs, made a little more bearable with another top-up of champagne.

Cars arrived and, after yet more photographs, they were whisked away to the wedding venue. The cars tires crunched on the gravely road as it wound its way along a country road leading to a Manor House by a large lake. With the winter’s snow, the scene was beyond idyllic, it was quite simply perfection  
As they emerged from the cars, with crisp snow underfoot, all were glad of their faux fur shrugs, Raven looked even more spectacular still with her deep hooded cloak which made her resemble a magnificent snow queen in the middle of her winter kingdom.  
Thankfully they were not outside in the cold for very long, Anya and her half of the wedding party were already inside awaiting them.

The fiancés had spent a great deal of time discussing how they wanted their ceremony to proceed. Clarke had been quite surprised indeed when Anya had expressed her desire to have the white wedding dress experience too, she had seen Lexa and Anya so often looking drop-dead gorgeous in suits that she had just assumed today would be no different. However it was dresses all the way, Clarke had been told to expect a shock when she saw Lexa, she had no idea what her dress looked like, but she couldn’t wait to find out.  
However Anya had also said that she would like to wait at the top of the aisle for Raven, she claimed it was because she didn’t want to have all those people watching her process in, but everyone suspected that actually she just wanted the pleasure to watch in awe as her bride came down the aisle to meet her.  
Clarke and Octavia followed Anya’s little cousin Tris, and Timmy in the procession, they were arm in arm as a perfectly cute little flower girl and page boy Octavia was brimming with pride as her youngest did such a splendid job leading the way, and looked endlessly cute as he did it too. As they reached Anya, Clarke got her first glimpse of Lexa. She had done really well so far that day, managing to keep herself from ridicule, but when she caught sight of her love she managed to lose the ability to walk in a straight line and stumbled a few steps before Octavia managed to hold out an arm to steady her.

“Keep your head in the game Griffin, there will be plenty of time for ogling your girlfriend later.” Octavia teased.

Lexa wore an Olive green floor length maxi dress it had a surplice bodice with a plunging v neckline. Though the dress reached the floor it had a split up its side through which Clarke had managed to get a glimpse of Lexa’s wonderfully sculpted legs, made longer still by the 5 inch heels that she was wearing. In the warmth of the building there was no need for covering, so the tiny straps of the dress and the cut out back did little to obscure Lexa’s beautiful tats. Clarke did her very best to regain her composure, but knew at that moment that it was going to feel like an eternity before she could have Lexa in the privacy of their room. Lexa winked mischievously at Clarke, and looked her up and down with unabashed hunger, at least the feelings were mutual.  
Clarke did manage to compose herself when Jake and Raven began to walk towards the alter. Raven had left her cloak behind now, she wore her veil already thrown back so that nothing obscured the wonderfully fine features of her face. She looked radiant as she processed towards them, even her nerves couldn’t fight back the effervescent smile. Clarke glanced towards Anya whose eyes were blown wide, her face completely enraptured by the sight of Raven. Clarke’s suspicions were confirmed, Anya wanted this moment to watch each step of Ravens progression, to anticipate her arrival at her side. She looked just like she felt, the luckiest woman in the world.

The service was absolutely beautiful, Clarke particularly enjoyed Lexa’s poem addressed to the couple, she spoke with power, clarity and emotion, eliciting more than a couple of tears from those who were in attendance. As they exchanged their vows, pledging their lives to one another, blue eyes met deep green ones, swept up in the beauty and romance of the occasion.  
Everything that they had planned went seamlessly, even Anya’s rather ridiculous step-mother couldn’t dampen the celebration, though Clarke did rather enjoy the one point in the afternoon when Gustus told his wife quite simply, to shut her mouth. The day passed quickly, with so many things to do, so many photographs to pose for and conversations to nod politely along to. It was never going to be quick enough for Lexa and Clarke however, who were suspiciously absent at numerous points, apparently they coincidently needed to use the restroom facilitates always at the same time. Each absence was punctuated by desperate kisses and breathy exclamations of how much each of them wanted to take the other back to the room. They were brief and passionate, never allowing themselves to be distracted for too long from their bridesmaid duties.  
When the dancing started the pair were utterly inseparable, indeed they were not the only ones. Anya and Raven looked the perfect newlyweds, if not the most restrained. Octavia and Lincoln too were obviously enjoying the freedom of having the grandparents take their children when bedtime neared. All three couples danced in a manner on the verge of indecency, obviously longing for the freedom of their private rooms. 

Eventually Lexa and Clarke had to step in and tell the beautiful brides that it was possibly time to retire to their room, when they stepped in the couple hadn’t paused for breath for the last 10 minutes and with the plentiful supply of alcohol there was the distinct possibility that the two were going to get a little too carried away.  
They managed to break away from their kisses while Lexa explained that the honeymoon suite would probably be infinitely more comfortable, thankfully they both agreed.

“Oh shit Clarke, I completely forgot, I need to throw the bouquet, can’t leave before I’ve done that.”

Clarke was ever so slightly losing patience, she couldn’t wait to have the sexy brunette all to herself. She exasperatedly gathered the women together so that Raven could go ahead and throw her damn flowers. Clarke was stood to one side, her arms folded across her chest, a tiny pout pulling at her lip. Raven’s aim was obviously terribly affected by the alcohol and rather than throw the bouquet into the awaiting crowd she managed to throw it straight into Clarke’s face, who caught it, completely startled by the flowery assault.  
With that all done people gathered together to wish the brides a final goodbye, and with many cheers and chanting the couple made their way through the manor house up towards their suite.  
Lexa tried valiantly not to appear too eager, though she wasn’t hugely successful and they stayed at the party barely 10 minutes more before she grabbed Clarke by the hand and led her away.

They didn’t manage to make it to their rooms before the kissing and fondling began, and their fevered touches definitely hindered their progress to the room. More than once they stopped, one girl pressing the other against an obliging wall as the kisses became too numerous to continue walking. Hands slid down each others sides caressing, each other’s beautifully clothed bodies.

“Baby you looked so beautiful today, honestly I love that dress, but I can’t wait to take it off you.”

Eventually they managed to make it to their room and closed the door, alone like they’d been wishing for all afternoon. Finally getting the privacy that they both craved, Lexa began to slow down, her kisses became less hurried and she stopped to take in the beauty of Clarke’s features, kissing each in turn. Her lips caressed Clarke’s eyelids, brow, cheeks and neck she softly sucked and nibbled at Clarke’s earlobe and the took the opportunity to whisper softly to her lover.

“Clarke, I never thought it possible, never thought that I could love someone like I love you. I feel as though my heart is external to me, it has become your property. At one point I would have thought that weakness, but Clarke, you take better care of my heart than I ever did.”

Clarke met Lexa’s green eyes, she could never express herself quite as beautifully as Lexa. She kissed her lover, deeply and tenderly trying to convey her love in this physical expression.

“You have my heart too Lex, and I don’t ever want it back.” She smiled and then continued her kissing.

The old grandmother clock in their room struck out the time, both girls turned to look, one o’clock Christmas morning. Lexa had not hidden anything from Clarke, she had tried to remember every single detail of the ghosts' visits so that she could tell Clarke everything. At first she had been nervous, would she think her crazy, or worse still would hearing about the possible future make Clarke love her less? Of course her fears had been for nothing and Clarke had listened to every word, never once questioning the truth of Lexa’s experience. Afterwards Clarke had shared her own story of that night, about how her dreams had been consumed by her, as though she were watching those encounters herself. They had both agreed that there bonding felt like fate, that the very substance of reality had bent in order that they might find one another, because they quite simply had to be together.

“I thought that night would be the night that changed be the most.” Lexa said, staring into the face she loved so well. “But every night since, every night with you, you has changed me so much more. I hardly know the woman that I was before you, and I never want to meet her again.”

Lexa broke away from Clarke, and Clarke let out a long groan. “Lexaa I’ve been waiting all day, how long do you think I can look at half your back tattoo without wanting to get the full picture? Not to mention your legs in that dress, God Lexa you’ve got me so worked up.” Clarke bit her bottom lip as though trying to restrain her desires.

“Baby you can wait a moment longer, I promise you, I’m going to more than make up for all your patience.”

Clarke threw herself onto her bed in exasperation, as Lexa busied herself in their luggage. She seemed to have lost whatever it was she was looking for, and she half expected Clarke to have fallen asleep when she turned towards her again. Clarke had spread inelegantly on the bed, which Lexa found completely adorable, she was obviously tired from the days excitement, but Lexa was confident that she could make sure Clarke found some extra energy.

“Clarke” She called softly from the middle of the room. Clarke pushed herself up onto her elbows a quizzical brow raised on her face. “What Lexa, aren’t you coming over here?”

“No Clarke I think I need you to come here, please my love.” Clarke groaned yet again and pulled herself off the bed. Crossing the room to where Lexa stood, all of her movements conveying how little she wanted to get out of bed. “Yes Lexa?”

Lexa dropped to one knee and held Clarke’s left hand in both of hers, she looked up at Clarke, whose countenance had immediately softened a gentle gasp escaping her lips as she realised what was about to happen.

“You have saved me Clarke, you have brought me back to life, you have opened up my eyes to see the beauty and hope in life. I cannot put into words just how much you have done for me.” Lexa’s eyes began filling with tears and her words became increasingly shakey. “Clarke I simply cannot imagine a life without you, I don’t want to imagine it. I know that perhaps this isn’t the proposal you imagined, I ought to have done more. But it doesn’t matter, whatever I do won’t ever be enough to show you how deeply I care for you, or how desperately I want you by my side all my days. Clarke Griffin, would you make me the happiest, most lucky woman in the world, and consent to being my wife?”  
Clarke had been silently crying the moment that Lexa had begun her speech, by the time she was finished her face was completely awash and her lips were shaking even as she smiled.

“God, Lexa, I’m such an ugly crier too, I must look an absolute state.” She sniffed and wiped her face with her hands, she couldn’t stop smiling.

“You know you haven’t actually answered yet, don’t you? You’re kinda making me nervous, and my knee is hurting, and I’ve not even shown you the ring…”

Lexa was babbling, she knew it, she always knew when she was babbling, Clarke was the only one able to get her that flustered. Clarke laughed gently and drew Lexa up from her knees cupping her face.

“Baby…how could the answer ever be anything but yes? Yes Lexa I want to be your wife, I want you to be mine. I don’t want a life without you, you honestly are my everything. I don’t care what the ring looks like, it could be a gummy ring for all I care, I only want you Lexa, you’re more than I ever hoped for.”  
They kissed Lexa breathed out her relief, it made Clarke smile to think she had been so nervous, it showed her how deeply Lexa cared, Lexa was always showing her how much she meant to her, she only hoped she conveyed her reciprocation. 

“I love you Lexa, I love you, I love you, I love you.” Each proclamation was punctuated by another passionate kiss, to think that those would be the lips that she was going to kiss for the rest of her life, there couldn’t be a happier thought.

“Clarke I’m so happy, I can’t wait to tell the whole world, I can’t believe that you will be mine and that you want me to be yours, thank you Clarke.” Lexa meant every word, she was grateful beyond words for Clarke, even though Clarke regularly told her that she deserved the world, she would never ever take her love for granted.

“But Baby, I really want you to see the ring. Do you remember I told you that I had kept Costia’s ring all those years?” Clarke looked a little puzzled at that, she remembered her showing it to her when they had discussed that magical night a year ago.

“When I showed you that ring, well I knew even then, I knew I didn’t need it any more, I knew I needed to get rid of it. Clarke the next day I pawned it, and ever since I’ve been looking for the perfect ring for you. I gave up 2 months ago, you’re one of a kind, so I had this ring made.”  
Clarke’s grin grew wider again, it never should have crossed her mind that Lexa would give her that same ring, that’s just not who Lexa was. The fact that she had carried this with her for 2 months just made Clarke melt inside. 

Lexa slowly opened the box her eyes intent upon Clarke studying every flicker of her face, she looked hopeful, anticipating Clarke’s approval. The ring itself was the most beautiful Clarke had ever beheld. It was set in platinum a round diamond in the centre, it was held in place by two prongs at either side. One prong had three smaller diamonds which decreased in size cascading away from the centre. The other prong was flared with marquise cut blue sapphires. The result took Clarke’s breath away.

“Lexa, it’s so beautiful.”

“Let me put it on, my beautiful fiancé, and let me take the rest off. I need you to be wearing this, but only this.” Lexa looked mischievous again, and very soon the two were celebrating their engagement in the best way possible.

## The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad to have finished, not that I won't miss writing this I will. But I was worried when I began that I might not be able to finish, and I'm really happy that I have something completed. 
> 
> Huge thank you for reading, and those who have commented I really appreciate it, definitely contributed to the process being finished. It's just encouraging to know that I am not the only person in the world that will read these words, so i'm honoured that you've given me your time.
> 
> Where from here? Well I suppose that depends upon what you guys think. I had a story in mind before I began this one, but Christmas distracted me. The story's title would be "The girl with the tribal tattoo" which should be clear enough. If it isn't clear I'm borrowing once more from much better writers than myself. So I feel like Stieg Larsson's universe would be the perfect fit for our heroines.  
> I would not be aiming to make the quick progress that I did with this work, it would be more likely a chapter a week update. 
> 
> What do you think? Is it worth writing? Should I stop altogether? Do you have a better idea? I don't know...but I have found writing very cathartic, wouldn't want to let that go.


End file.
